My brother just took his own life

[CandyLeBonBon]

Sorry. A bit in shock.
Just found out my brother committed suicide yesterday.

We werent close and haven't spoken in about 4 years but I'm in bits. I feel so guilty for casting him adrift.

He wasn't very nice to me but he was still my brother.

Just guess I wanted somewhere to write it down.

So sorry, i hope the funeral went well.
My brother too comitted suicide, we didnt like each other much but i bloody miss him.
Take time for yourself you will be going through a whirlwind of emotions.

Funeral today. It was done via a very impromptu group WhatsApp call vis the organiser/celebrant

Couldn't hear most of it because of audio distortion. But what I could make out, was so weird listening to people who had regular contact with him and trying to reconcile that with my experience

I'm supposed to ge at work tomorrow at 8am. But I just can't. I worked today, but left an hour early to make sure I was home in time.

But I was in the phone to my mum fir an hour tonight and I just can't. I really just can't.

If they sack me, then that's what'll happen.

I cannot face it tomorrow.

(Well today, having just seen the time)

I think our dysfunctional relationship is what's making it all the more surreal. It feels as if I'm watching a film.

And I've ended up getting upset with my oh because he didn't even bother asking how it went today and i just don't know how to feel about anything.

Thank-you so much for asking. I feel like a fraud because we weren't close. He made it clear he wanted nothing to do with me for years, and I genuinely never understood why. I never knew why he hated me. I asked him to tell me what I'd done and he just blanked me. For decades. And then he'd strike up contact again. Only to shut it down again .

The last time it happened he was supposed to meet up with me and my kids and then backed out at the last minute. That was when I lost my shit. I told him it was one thing picking me up and putting me down, but he didn't do that to my kids.

That was 5 years ago.

Now I am full of 'what if's'

I really don't know how to be.

He sounds like a v complex character and you absolutely did the right thing for your DC and actually for him, by putting down boundaries. I had to do something similar involving threatening the police and setting CCTV up in my garden because I was scared of his violence just weeks before his death. So my last communication was v fraught and v negative. I don’t hold guilt for that - I had no other option - but I do have regrets and deep sadness that it had come to this which is not the same thing as taking responsibility. I hope that you can relieve yourself of any burden of guilt. Suicide is a v different kind of grieving process where lots of people near to the person look at their own actions and blame and shame can sometimes circulate unnecessarily as family and friends try to come to terms with an atrocious act and the depth of despair.

Certainly don’t put yourself under pressure by going to work if you can’t cope.

for you, your mum and your brother. The words you wrote were beautiful

He was complex @Sssloou - but I don't think anyone really knew him. He was a very anxious kid. We were chalk and cheese. I just keep picturing his last moments in my head. It's awful. I wish I could switch it off.

So sorry for your loss. The eulogy was beautiful.
It's must seem very difficult to process with the intrusive thoughts. Life is so cruel and complicated sometimes

So sorry for your loss and the fact you have unanswered questions. Maybe over the next few weeks you could try speaking to his wife and seeing if she has any answers for you. Don’t go to work tmrw and I’m sure if you went to the doctors they would sign you off. Take care of yourself

Thankyou.

I gave found the past two days so hard. I'm so tired.

My dp was very much lacking in the support department and I'm really struggling, I know other people's grief is hard. I just feel totally on my own with it all.

I bet you have. You’ve had so much to take in, do, so many emotions to deal with. Your mum to support.. You should feel exhausted. I’m sorry your dp has been supportivez. Why the heck hasn’t he! Have you any friends you can lean on a bit? What are you doing tomorrow?

I am sorry that you are not getting the understanding and support that you need and expect from your DP. Often people are clumsy and don’t know how to be around someone grieving. Also if it’s a complicated grief they feel out of their depth and swerve even more. He might assume that if you were NC it doesn’t hurt - but IME these complex, unresolved, hostile situations make the hurt worse. Do you feel you can ask him for what you want and need? Just to listen without judgement, for some quiet and some space, for some accommodation for the agony you are going through. The intrusive thoughts are “normal” - they are part of the processing of the shock and trauma and should fade in time.

Ask for what you need and take it.

I hope today is peaceful.

@CandyLeBonBon I just wondered how you’re doing?

You kindly posted on my thread about my dad last week.

Today I’ve read your thread. Whilst our situations are different there are similarities with the rift and the sudden death, the “what ifs” and the mixed emotions as we weren’t close.

Yet it still hurts so much.

I just wanted to send you some moral support.

Take good care