My brother just took his own life

[CandyLeBonBon]

Sorry. A bit in shock.
Just found out my brother committed suicide yesterday.

We werent close and haven't spoken in about 4 years but I'm in bits. I feel so guilty for casting him adrift.

He wasn't very nice to me but he was still my brother.

Just guess I wanted somewhere to write it down.

I'm very sorry for your loss OP

Your feelings will naturally be all over the shop for a while yet, just make time and space for you to feel them as they come.

Walking outside in beautiful places I found helpful, it gave a bit of space.

The aftermath of suicide for family and friends is always fraught with guilt. Guilt is there after any death, but with suicide the what-ifs dominate. I too would recommend the websites linked above. These people really do know how it feels and can help.

It does sound as though your brother has been a troubled man throughout his life. Take comfort that he is now at peace.

@CandyLeBonBon
@wiltshirelass1418

So sorry for your losses. I can not imagine what you are going through 💐

I have looked briefly at those sites, and sent copies to my mum and that's been helpful. Got to face work this afternoon - just feeling a bit numb.

Thankyou all. It's helped to write it down and hear other experiences/thoughts.

One day, or even one hour at a time, Candy

Thinking of you, @CandyLeBonBon

So the funeral is on Tuesday. I can't go physically because it's in Scotland, and I'm on the south coast, and it's 2 days before Christmas and I just can't work out how to make that work with the kids etc (all old enough to travel easily but it would still a bit of a headache to organise).

His wife (my SIL) has offered to live stream it and suggested that me and my DM arrange to scatter ashes in the new year as a private 'goodbye'.

It's just really hit me. I just got sent home from work because I kept bursting into tears. I was fine two days ago. I just felt a bit detached. I think the finality of it has just hit home.

The celebrant (or whatever they're called?) suggested that my dm and I write something to be read in the ceremony.

I wrote this:

Although Candy's Brother and I were estranged, he never stopped being my brother.

I never stopped hoping that deep down, he did care really, that somewhere, hidden, he still remembered the excitement we shared on Christmas Eve, when we shared bunk beds, and how he was adamant that he’d caught a glimpse of Father Christmas delivering our presents, and how he hugged me so tight I could hardly breathe, the year he got his first ‘proper’ bike and I got my ‘tiny tears’ doll.

I always hoped that secretly, he might have chuckled at our burping competitions (which I always won) or that I had a huge crush on one of his school mates, or that time when one of our guinea pigs decided to take a chunk out of his wrist, for which he needed stitches!

I wondered if he ever remembered how proud I was when he occasionally collected my from school in his beaten up old Hillman Imp with its multi coloured paint, or that he used to drive me nuts playing the same 3 chords on his guitar or that he once asked me how he could make friends easier.

I like to think that he might occasionally have remembered with fondness, that he used to write to me when he first left home, on the back of old Ordnance Surveys maps, with his carefully crafted handwriting and his dry wit.

It might even have surprised him to know that he is, at least in part, responsible for my current career choice!

I’m so sad that we never remained close, and I’m even sadder that he felt that this was his only choice.

In spite of everything, he was, and always will be, my big brother. And in spite of everything, I always loved him.

I hope that's enough.

Sorry for the mawkishness.

I just wanted to record it somewhere that's not in my head.
X

Thanks to all who've commented by the way. X

What you wrote is lovely. xx

Thankyou @WiseOwlWan

Weird times. X

That’s gorgeous. You couldn’t have written anything better. It’s perfect. Sending you a huge cyber hug.x

What heartfelt words. No-one could be in any doubt that you loved your brother. Life is messy, but it sounds as if you have some wonderful memories of him.

So it's his funeral tomorrow.

I have to work. I've got some local retail work to try and make up the shortfall from my photography work. I told my 'section leader' about 3 days after it happened and she was just like 'oh ok' and walked off.

I ended up needing to go home last Saturday because I just felt so weirded out being in such an artificial environment and helping everyone find Christmas puddings and trying to be cheerful, all the while playing out in my head that my brother hung himself. And I just couldn't handle it and burst into tears and again, it was just like 'oh ok, yeah, just go home'.

I am just really struggling to reconcile 'normal' life - especially around Christmas time, with what's going on in my head. It's really hard.

I've said that I need to attend his funeral, albeit online. Section leader was like 'yeah yeah that's fine' and just wandered off whilst I was still in tears.

I don't know what I expected but there just didn't seem to be any compassion.

I can't imagine being that glib if an employee came to me and told me the same. I know I have to do my job, but I feel really unable to cope with expectations from the public, it's making me feel so panicky

I am so sorry for your loss and that your section leader isn’t able to deal with it well. I hope you get through tomorrow but if you can’t, please do ask for support. I’ll be thinking of you.
It must be incredibly difficult and this time of year will make it much harder. Be kind to yourself and take each hour at a time. Each minute if that’s what you need.

Oh OP, it is hard isn't it? Remember that it's still early days - don't expect too much from yourself. Grief is like that, sometimes you feel like you can cope and then sometimes it hits you like a ton of bricks. It will get easier eventually - never the same, but easier. Just not yet.

Some people are unable to cope with situations when they aren’t sure what to say. It is an unusual response and I bet if you had a different person in charge there would have been a different response. Can you work in the back at all so you have minimal contact with the public as that’s making you anxious?

@CandyLeBonBon

So it's his funeral tomorrow.

I have to work. I've got some local retail work to try and make up the shortfall from my photography work. I told my 'section leader' about 3 days after it happened and she was just like 'oh ok' and walked off.

I ended up needing to go home last Saturday because I just felt so weirded out being in such an artificial environment and helping everyone find Christmas puddings and trying to be cheerful, all the while playing out in my head that my brother hung himself. And I just couldn't handle it and burst into tears and again, it was just like 'oh ok, yeah, just go home'.

I am just really struggling to reconcile 'normal' life - especially around Christmas time, with what's going on in my head. It's really hard.

Hope it goes ok tomorrow @CandyLeBonBon , be kind to yourself you've had a huge shock xx

Thank you. I'm doing the home shopping thing which is fine whilst I'm concentrating on getting the orders picked correctly but when people talk to me (asking where things are etc) I feel really spaced out and it all feels totally surreal. And in my head I'm telling myself to stop being a drama Queen,

I find supermarket retail a bit surreal anyway because you're so detached from anything related to the outside world during your shift. It feels like working in a different dimension!

I'm pretty much dreading it but I've got to ge in for 8 so I'd better get to bed as I'm already shattered!

Thankyou everyone. I'm just musing here really as it's a way to put feelings into words but it's so appreciated that you've taken the time to respond.

You’re not being a drama queen at all. It would be perfectly understandable and normal if you took a few days off sick until you’ve got your head around things and aren’t having to deal with Xmas. And your section leader should not be walking away when you’re clearly struggling.

I am so sorry that this has happened to you and your family. It happened to mine last year (also estranged) and the ripples / shockwaves are still deep and wide. My teenage boys have taken their uncles death v badly and one is subsequently v depressed and I experienced PTSD for a long time.

Your eulogy is beautiful.

Don’t let guilt get to you as often there is no other option than estrangement as MH / relationship issues are insidious.

Keep an eye on the living.

I am sorry that your manager was “off” - but you don’t know what they are carrying. After my experience both neighbours either side of me told me that they had experienced this (brother and father). It is v common and you will now see and hear it more as people open up.

Take care of yourself. It’s a brutal, bumpy painful road.

So helpful to hear others' experiences. It's such an isolating event isn't it, and I've felt very much trapped in my head. My eldest has taken it badly as he's old enough to remember meeting him and they showed similarities, personality-wise. Yes I think it will be a bumpy ride. His poor wife.

How are you doing @CandyLeBonBon? How did the day go?