Orphaned at 32. Advice?

[MissShirland]

I’m new here and I guess I am looking for some advice or to know that I’m not alone in my situation, although I doubt anyone actually is

I lost my mum 7.5 years ago when she was just 51, and I was 24. I was beyond devastated and it destroyed me as we were very close. This year I lost my father at just 63, he had been unwell for 3 months and had a sudden stroke so it was very unexpected. I can’t believe they have both gone, it’s so odd.

I am single, 32 and have one brother and that is literally it. It had always been the 4 of us and my parents weren’t old. I felt for a long time after I lost my mum that I was somehow cursed or the was some kind of evil force that had planned it. I felt guilty for years about every little thing I did or even songs I would listen to in case it meant something bad would happen to my family. I tried to let go of all that this year and then my dad getting sick totally validated it. There were also a lot of odd coincidences. I have tried counselling, I’m not sure where it’s meant to get me, other than being told it’s normal and people grieve in different ways.

Either way, I am super alone and really rock bottom. My parents were wonderful people, I know everyone says that but mine truly were. I just can’t believe all the days that lay ahead without them and I don’t know anyone that has lost both their parents this young, it’s unbelievable

I'm sorry to hear of your loss , and I totally sympathise at feeling orphaned . My father died aged 53 and I was 25 , and my mum is also gone now. It really is a strange feeling knowing you no longer have parents .
You will have all the firsts to deal with - Christmas , your birthday , their birthdays and so on . I also found it very hard that I didn't have an elder adult to call upon , even just no more telephone calls . You won't ever ' get over ' it but eventually after a time it becomes a little less painful . Look after yourself.

Mine were both gone by the time I turned 21 so I understand how you feel. Unfortunately, you learn to live with it eventually.

They never leave you in your heart.

I'm so sorry. You've had a rotten time of it.

This is more common than you think, though.
My housemate at uni - her Dad died when we were in our final year, and her Mum, from a sudden illness, a few years later (her younger brother was still at school and had to come live with her, she was only 25). Two other of our housemates only had one parent left and none of us were mature students! Another uni friend of mine lost both his parents by his mid 20s - no other relatives.

My OH: his Mum died when he was early 20s, his Dad 10 years later.
My matron of honour: her Dad died when she was a child, her Mum when she was in her early 20s. Left with just a sister.
Our best man had lost both parents by his mid 30s, also only a sibling left.

My Dad lost both parents (heart attack & cancer) by the time he was a teenager.
My Mum lost her Dad at in her teens and her Mum 15 years later.

So you're not alone.

It's not your fault. You are your parents' ambassador to the future though and if they could see you now, you know they would want to see you happy and making the most of life. You know your feelings of guilt or being cursed are entirely irrational but very understandable and human. When they rise up, try saying to yourself firmly,
"I feel this way but IT'S NOT TRUE. Mum and Dad would want me to be happy". Good luck.

My mum died at 53 when I was 23 and my dad when I was 34. I’m now 48, not married, have a brother who I don’t get on with, and a few older relatives. It was actually 25 years since I lost my mum this Sunday just gone and I’m really feeling it this week.

As a previous poster said so well, you are your parents ambassador in life. Write a list of everything you’d like to do in your lifetime, plus things they never got a chance to, and do them. Don’t wait until retirement - my parents never got there. Take joy in small things, love the simple life where you can, and remember that champagne isn’t just for special occasions. Everything you do, they’ll see, and be with you.

My counsellor advocated learning to parent yourself, which is developing your own inner parental voice to encourage and guide you.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's a hard and isolating time for you. My mum died at 44 when I was 15 and my dad died at 57 when I was 29. I'm 32 now and still feel alone and sad without my parents. I have lovely in laws, a husband and 3 children but losing parents is so difficult. Huge hugs to you, look after yourself.

www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/complicated-grief/symptoms-causes/syc-20360374

I am really sorry that this has happened to you. It is truly horrific. This time of the year is especially painful and with COVID it’s v intense and the shock and loneliness is raw.

My younger half brother lost both of his parents to cancer within 18 months before he was 19 years old.

Have a look at the link above because some of the things you have described sound like you may need specialist help.

Counciling might help as it's not about getting over it. It's about dealing with negative thought processes.

You dont have to, and possibly never will "get over it" but you will learn to be happy again, smile and find joy once again in life.

It hurts because they was fantastic and worth your love and that in turn is where your pain comes from. Because you loved them. Its lovely that there was so much love. They our worth mourning if that make sence.

I would give yourself a few more weeks or months but do look at CBT. Rather than thinking you did something to cause it, you could turn that into a more positive thought.

You know it's not your fault really right? They would want you to be kinder on yourself wouldnt they?

I'm so sorry. I lost a parent at 16 and the other recently. It is very hard.
I was a lot older than you.
I hope you can feel that your parents are with you in some way. I feel that strongly about my mum.
They are still here in you, you will carry their legacy forward and I'm sure they are very proud of you.

Sympathies. Early orphanhood is horrible.

Especially when most of your friends still have both their parents.

I'm in a similar situation although I'm into my 40s and have a friend who is the same. We were talking about this at the weekend - it's the loss of the people but also the loss of security.

Up until their death there was always someone who would notionally welcome you home and bail you out financially. That has gone. It's quite scary.

I am so sorry for your loss and the way you are feeling. I lost both of mine by the time I was 32. It’s very hard but time does help. Sounds like you could do with continuing your counselling.

Hi OP,

I am the same as you. Orphaned at 30 & it is a surreal feeling. I also have no 'elders' now and feel totally alone in the world. It is awful and unless others have been through it they have no idea. Please PM me if you need to talk. X

@MissShirland I am so sorry for the loss of both your parents.

I am the same as you, I am 32 and have lost both my parents. Dad died 2 years ago from cancer and my Mum died aged 60 in April after she suddenly became unwell. Like you, I feel cursed and alone. Having to go through this twice in two years has exhausted me mentally and physically.

Family members were incredibly unsupportive during the period my Mum was unwell, they got bored and stopped visiting after a few weeks. I have a partner (we don't live together) and he doesn't understand, I spend most of my time alone or at work.

Both of my parents were amazing people and in no way deserved the deaths they endured. I miss them both an incredible amount, I feel sad that neither will see me get married and I will have two empty chairs.

Echoing the PP, please PM me if you ever want to talk x

Very, very sorry for your loss Op .

I lost both parents, and a brother, young. I’ve also lost a daughter.
I guess grief is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to carry. Especially after the loss of my daughter, I gave into feeling very alone and ‘cursed’.
I got out of it with the help of a good therapist, and lots of hard looking at my place in the world, and what I could do with myself to help.
I’m not cursed, I had the joy of loving parents and happy childhood, which had sustained me through my life. I also am hugely lucky to be with a partner I love and we now have other kids. The lost of my parents has eased, but I still miss them, especially my mum. It’s fairly new and globally still not usual to expect parents to live into their old age though, and you are by no means cursed, your just one person among many many many people this has happened to, weighed against all the good that has happened in your life.
I’m not trying to be unsympathetic, but it did honestly really help me to be less inward looking about my grief, and realise my grief was felt by so so many people, many either much younger or in much worse circumstances than me. (I also in no way actually believe in God or anything, so the ‘cursed’ feeling had no logical root, it was a strange way I had twisted my thinking to deal with feeling out of control and subject to the whims of life, which can be so painful, but also full of joy). We have now also adopted, which really brought into focus how fortunate in so many ways my life has actually been.
I really recommend you find a proper good therapist, it can make such a difference. Grief counselling can be pretty ropey, and the level of training is hugely different. Good luck.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply x

Recently a 32 year orphan too 😢 I have no siblings. Just me, my husband and ee have a 3 year old and 3 month old. Again not old... mum passed away 5 years ago at 47 years of age and dad in May at 57.

I feel numb and have no words

@Eixey sorry you are in this situation as well, it’s the club no one wants to be part of. How are you getting on?

Unsure if I'm in denial. So much admin as executor of the will and next of kin... no one makes it easy. Haven't had time to properly grieve yet if that makes sense

@Eixey totally normal to feel like this, I don’t even remember the months after my Mum passed away. I was just on autopilot and so stressed out because of covid at the time! Even 3 years down the line it doesn’t always feel real. Take your time when sorting things out, often people will push you when it’s not necessary at all. You have a year to sort most things out!

I lost my dad in September and my mum in February. Age really doesn’t matter - I was 60 when they died and although blessed to have had them in my life for so long, I still don’t feel ‘adult’ enough to cope with everything.

@Borntobeamum I am sorry for your loss but as you say, you were 60 when your parents died. We are adults in our 20s and 30s so when you say age doesn't matter, we are facing a very lengthy time without our parent's and lots lots of lost time.

Sorry to everyone on this thread who has lost parents at a young age as well. :( I am 29 and have lost my Dad who was 61. I miss him so much and frequently read the bereaved board. I just wish I had've had him for longer, and he would have seen my son (who adored his grandad) grow up.

I still have my Mum and we have a great relationship but she is not in the best of health so I have a new found anxiety of if/when she passes and I too won't have any older generations above me in my family.

Wow. A loss is a loss. You can’t say it affect you more than me!
I’m stunned by that.

I'm not getting into a row about this and derailing the thread, but with respect you did say "age doesn't really matter" first, which was the point I took offense with.

As you said yourself in your post, you were blessed to have them for so long in your life, which I completely agree with (and all of us just wish we were all lucky too) x