Orphaned at 32. Advice?

[MissShirland]

I’m new here and I guess I am looking for some advice or to know that I’m not alone in my situation, although I doubt anyone actually is

I lost my mum 7.5 years ago when she was just 51, and I was 24. I was beyond devastated and it destroyed me as we were very close. This year I lost my father at just 63, he had been unwell for 3 months and had a sudden stroke so it was very unexpected. I can’t believe they have both gone, it’s so odd.

I am single, 32 and have one brother and that is literally it. It had always been the 4 of us and my parents weren’t old. I felt for a long time after I lost my mum that I was somehow cursed or the was some kind of evil force that had planned it. I felt guilty for years about every little thing I did or even songs I would listen to in case it meant something bad would happen to my family. I tried to let go of all that this year and then my dad getting sick totally validated it. There were also a lot of odd coincidences. I have tried counselling, I’m not sure where it’s meant to get me, other than being told it’s normal and people grieve in different ways.

Either way, I am super alone and really rock bottom. My parents were wonderful people, I know everyone says that but mine truly were. I just can’t believe all the days that lay ahead without them and I don’t know anyone that has lost both their parents this young, it’s unbelievable

@Borntobeamum I'm not getting into a row about this and derailing the thread, but with respect you did say "age doesn't really matter" first, which was the point I took offense with.

As you said yourself in your post, you were blessed to have them for so long in your life, which I completely agree with (and all of us just wish we were all lucky too) x

My fault - I didnt realise it was a competition about Grief. I’ll bow out know.

It will always hurt to lose a parent but I think she is trying to say you have more memories as you had more time/probably got to see your family grow up. My mother never met either of my children and my dad who passed away in May left a granddaughter who is 3 and a 2 month old grandson.

Of course its going to hurt you and I'm sorry for your loss but we also grieve for the memories that we didn't get to share

@Eixey yes that is what I was trying to say,

I think when you are lucky enough for your parents to get to old age you would have had loads and loads of memories/time with them (as long as you get on!) Whereas for people who have lost parents young (which is what the thread is about) you are mourning the person but also the lost future.

All loss is of course loss, but for those lucky enough to get to a old age you can say they had "good innings".

There isn't a hierarchy. People who say this mistakenly think that it hurts less to lose a parent later in life. It really doesn't. I've experienced very early (15) and later (52) and for me there was not much difference. And grief is very subjective too, you can't assume that what you felt about your elderly parent dying is what another person is feeling about theirs.

No one should be playing the grief hierarchy game on a thread about loss it's crass and heartless.

Moving on, I've been listening to a podcast presented by Cariad Lloyd called Griefcast. It's very interesting and soothing listening to other people talk about their losses. It's warm and manages to be gently funny and supportive.

OP I completely understand, even though I was older than you when it happened to me. I'm very sorry for your losses and I hope time is helping a little to heal the pain 🌻

@CashmereDarling I'm interested that you feel that way and have felt loss both very early and both later in life.

Admittedly I did naively assume that if I had have my Dad longer it would hurt less, as you say it is just very much subjective, I know I am fortunate to have has him for as long as I did.

No one should be playing the grief hierarchy game on a thread about loss it's crass and heartless.

Absolutely @CashmereDarling is exactly right. All grief is different and takes it's own course. There is no hierachy in loss at all and it's a sign of immaturity to think that it is.

Everyone's perspective is different and it's important to realise there is no right or wrong just a lot of pain that cannot be ranked.

It's cruel to suggest someone's grief is easier or of less validity because you can't know and everyone has their own perspective and lived expriences

I know of someone who lost a parent young (early 20s) who said talking about a woman in her 70s whose mother had died mid- 90s(who fell into a deep depression), that she thought the older woman's loss would be worse than hers because she herself had only had 21 years with her mother so had time and future to adapt and cope whereas aged 70s she had only known a world with her mother and had limited time and opportunity to create a future without her mother. Everyone is different.

I think being orphaned is a huge life experience of pain whatever age because you are no longer someone's child and no one will love you as unconditionally as your own parents.

Advice I was given was that you need to work on your skills of parenting yourself so find your inner voice that reflects what your parents would say to you in times of need for comfort, love and praise.

@SoSoLost
That is a fair point, thank you for that perspective.

On a separate note I have apologised now so don't need any further posters telling me I'm heartless/crass/immature etc thanks. As I have said I am only 29 so yes immature I may be.

@Supertrouper990
Thanks for coming back to apologise, that was a very nice thing to do.

Yes apologies for any offence I may have caused

I think there is something very destabilising about losing a parent while still a young adult. however, grief will bite hard whatever age you lose a parent. I’ve had 4 colleagues lose a parent this year. The one that has struggled the most in the short-term had the oldest relative but I think the one that lost her mum in her 20s will feel it in a different way for longer. You can see already that some of the big milestones for her are tinged with sadness eg not being able to get advice on purchase of first home, knowing her mum won’t see her get married.

I think you've summed it up perfectly @Bunnycat101 . It's almost an additional part of grief for all the moments me/my Dad will miss out on. I so wish he was here to see my son grow up who is 4, but equally I know I am lucky for him to have met him.

I just feel supremely jealous of those who get to have their parents round until their late 40s/50s when I have lost mine at not even 30. X