How do you get a non bereaved partner to understand?

[MrsGrindah]

Here I go again..the run up to Christmas is really hard. Lost both parents less than five years ago. The grief changes over time but it’s always there. I just wish DH was more understanding. Both his parents are going strong . Although he’s not as close as I was to mine.

The thing is he just doesn’t seem to understand at all. When I tell him I’m upset over something that is particularly triggering he acts really surprised. If I say I’m really missing them for some reason he just says “Oh dear “ .

I know he can’t understand completely but I’m hurt that he just brushes it aside. I wondered if anyone else has had this and if so did you get your partner to understand?

Perhaps he doesn't know how to respond?

My MIL says "OH dear" like a parrot at any situation that she really cannot be bothered comprehend/empathise with and it drives me insane. Such a cop out.

Truth is your can't make someone understand. What is it that you'd like or hope for him to do. You may have to spell it out.

Sounds like he has limited imagination and empathy. I don’t think there’s much you can do about that unfortunately.

Sorry for your loss

Apologies, that was very negative. He doesn’t understand so maybe you need to really spell it out, take the time to let him know exactly what you need from him - you are entitled to kindness from your partner.

I just want him to be interested I suppose. Looking surprised and saying oh dear and nothing else suggests he thinks I should be well over it by now. A couple of weeks ago I said I didn’t enjoy Xmas any more without my parents and he just said “ Why?”. No hug etc. and he’s normally a loving man

On the one hand I can totally understand, but equally I'd be pretty hurt as your partner if you're writing off Christmas - have they not bought any joy?

Is there a background with them and your parents?

Equally do you have anyone else you can share your feelings with who can relate - siblings or relatives? Maybe there's something you can do to commemorate, a walk or some family tradition. Even just a good chat with someone who feels similarly to you.

I know how you feel OP. I lost my brother to whom I was extremely close, at that time I was in a relationship with exdp, and he never said anything more to me in sympathy other than, 'you'll be OK.' I wasn't OK and it didn't ever feel like it was going to be OK. Even the day of the funeral he didn't say a word. I thought long and hard about it as to why some people just have no compassion. Total strangers to me had more compassion than he did. And I just put it down to the fact that he just didnt get it. Just didn't understand that sheer pain, shock and everything that goes along with it. He is not close to his family and hasn't lost anyone close to him.

Even though we aren't together anymore, but are still friends, I never heard a word from him last week on the anniversary. But I got so many messages and calls from people I'deast expected to.

I am sorry for your loss, I do know how difficult it is at this time of year especially. But I honestly don't think that you can make some people realise how much it will always hurt.

I’m not sure he can truly understand OP - not yet - especially not as you say he doesn’t have the same close bond you had to your parents . I’m sorry for your lose .

He doesn't want to be unkind - but what else can he say? After five years, he probably does think this level of grieving is a bit excessive. Of course, you miss them - you'll have happy memories of Christmases when they were there - but life is for living and you'll spoil what you've got if you live in the past.

My DH lost both his parents, about 6 years ago. He still has days where the grief sneaks up and knocks him sideways, and family occasions like christmas are still hard at times for him. I still have both my parents, so I can't possibly understand how he feels. I don't know what to say sometimes when I see him grieving, so I do the only thing I can, which is to put my arms round him and let him know I'm there and Iove him. I'm not sure that always helps, but if there was something else I could do, I would. Grief is so individual though, what helps one, would be oppressive and insensitive to another.

Maybe your DH just doesn't know what to say or do. Have you sat down and talked to him about how you feel? Have you told him what would help? Equally, have you looked into anything like bereavement counselling to help you through the more tough times?

I lost both my parents 11 weeks apart, 3 years ago. I love my PIL, but they aren't my parents. And it does remind me that I should be celebrating with mine too. It's just a sad time of year for missing people isn't it? Hugs.

He has never lost his parents- he doesnt understand

It has been 5 years not 5 months.

You don't feel the same about Christmas anymore because of your parents when you have a DH and maybe DC of your own?!

I'd be hurt if my DH said that to me. If he would prefer Christmas with mum and dad and it will never be the same again im not sure what I could come up with other than oh dear.

Some people just don't know what to do it the face of other people's grief. Maybe tell him that's you understand that, but that at those times you would just appreciate a hug or some other gesture. Hugs

If he's never ever suffered heartbreaking loss he simply won't quite know what you are talking about (whereas a nine year old who has just cried all week because their first hamster died, would!). Has he really never lost a beloved grandparent or aunt/uncle or even a pet though?

Thanks everyone. No he’s never lost a loved one so I do realise he can’t truly understand but I think @katmarie describes perfectly the kind of support I’m looking for.

To clarify I lost Mum nearly 5 years ago , Dad nearly 3 and one in harrowing circumstances so @katy1213 I’m afraid it’s not as straightforward as that. I’m not weeping and wailing everyday , I just have sad moments, things that suddenly remind me etc. It’s those kind of things that he just can’t seem to show any interest in.

Sorry to hear you’ve lost both your parents. I know how that feels. It is really difficult when you feel no-one close to you understands.

To be honest edt, DH didn’t really understand at all until he lost his own dad. So he didn’t connect with it on that level. I went to grief counselling with Cruse and it was only there that I really felt that someone got it (was also the first in my friends circle to lose a parent do friends were at a bit of a loss too).

However, there is a book that helped him not put his foot in it too badly. It’s called “We need to talk about grief- how to be a friend to the one who’s left behind”. It’s by Annie Broadbent.

Wasn’t a miracle but it did take the edge off.

Honestly he will never understand, if he isnt the kind of guy to be able to imagine your pain then he won't suddenly have an epiphany.

I lost my dad ten years ago. I still miss him. Every year, I light a candle in the evenings in the weeks running up to Christmas and I pause and think of my dad and the wonderful family Christmases we used to have. I do this privately, I never mention to DP or show my sadness. It would be pointless, he has no empathy.

At some point your DP and mine will lose their parents, then they will either just not really grieve like us and it will heal quickly, or fall to pieces and expect us to be a shoulder to cry on. Either way, don't expect any support, and keep your thoughts to yourself - cherish your memories and remember quietly.

Wishing you the very best for the Christmas season xx

@SillyOldMummy Thank you for your kind words and you have summed it up perfectly. Best wishes to you too and everyone who has lost someone.

People who have never been bereaved can often find it baffling that those who have still struggle some time after the death. The second year is worse than the first in my experience, grief is not linear and the first year is full of shock and discombobulated, the second year is when you realise that this is it now and you will have to adapt, and that can be really hard for others to understand. Be kind to yourself, maybe talk to your DP about how you are feeling in the context of grief being present still. The Good Grief Trust has some really useful resources that may help?

Meant to add - what I say about the second year, can last for a long time - it isn't neat and defined in twelve month periods. It can be the same intensity after 4 years, 8 years, if you hit that trigger. The ball in the box analogy helped me - your grief is a ball that child a box completely. The box has a button on the side that releases pain when pushed. At first the ball is constantly pressed against the button and it hurts all the time. Then the box starts to grow and the ball bounces around in it. When the box is still quite similar in size to the ball, you hit the trigger button frequently. As it gets bigger the ball hits the button less often but when it does, you feel the same wave of grief. The box growing represents both time and acceptance.

*fills, not child. Bloody autocorrect.

He doesn't want to be unkind - but what else can he say? After five years, he probably does think this level of grieving is a bit excessive. Of course, you miss them - you'll have happy memories of Christmases when they were there - but life is for living and you'll spoil what you've got if you live in the past.

These ^ are my thoughts too.

I lost both my parents, a year apart, when my dc were small.
I still 'well up' at a 'big occasion' in their life - from that first nativity play to their graduations - because I know how proud my parents would be of them and I just wish they could be there. DH has both his parents still (indeed had 2 grandparents still, after I lost my parents). I don't expect him to feel the same as me, nor even understand it really. Nor do I expect him to be able to 'do anything' about it. It is, the way it is.

I don't think anyone is 'brushing it aside', it is just that people don't know what to sa, or do, and, quite frankly, it doesn't matter what they say or do - I still miss my Mum and my Dad occasionally, and that is good. Mostly, we laugh and say "Do you remember when....." or we get out the particular drink or piece of music or whatever that reminds us of lovely Christmas's from all those years ago.

Thankyou @AndNoneForGretchenWieners Yes that’s it exactly..so it hurts less frequently but it hurts the same. I think the thing that upsets me the most with DHs attitude is that he responds as if he’s forgotten all about it. And my parents adored him.
For example on the anniversaries of their passing, I don’t mark it at all but obviously it’s on my mind. At some point I will say to him “ We lost Mum xx years ago today “ and he just says “ Mm “ or “ Really.” As if I was telling him the weather report. Whereas all I want is a little and squeeze or hug or some recognition that it’s a hard day,

I’m sorry, it’s so hard. I genuinely think it is just not knowing what to say. I lost DM 4 years ago, DF 2 years ago (20 December) and my best friend this morning after a long struggle with cancer. DH is great with the hugs and cups of tea but he doesn’t know how to talk to me about it and doesn’t say anything if I say I’m feeling sad. I think you can only understand it if it has happened to you. I found friends who had been through losing parents the easiest to talk to. Christmas is such a tough time of year when you’ve lost someone close.

I think it’s very hard to see your partner grieving. I’ve lost my DGM and DB since DH and I met. He has been fantastic through both situations and at times when something triggers things for me. DH lost his DM before we met so has understood loss. My FIL passed away last week and watching DH grieving is incredibly hard and knowing what to say and do is difficult, despite the fact I understand loss myself (albeit not a parent). I ask him frequently what do you want me to do? Sometime she wants to be alone sometimes he hates to be alone sometimes he wants a hug. I ask him to communicate this to me as I cannot predict what he needs at a point in time. Try to communicate with your partner about what helps your grief as I am sure they want to help you as much as they can and would hate to think they aren’t doing so