It was such an awful week. Anomaly scan on Monday, worst case scenario confirmed on Wednesday. Incredibly poorly baby and comments like "incompatible with life" and "unlikely to survive" and that was with major operations and invasive procedures.
So we chose to let him go, we didn't want him to suffer. And when I got to the hospital my cervix was already open, so they thought we would have lost him naturally anyway very soon. And he was born, and he was so strong, he lived for an hour and a half at 21 weeks and four days gestation. He was a miracle. And we heard his heart beat thudding away. And then it slowed, and he passed. And I can't bear my grief and sadness.
I'm on day 3, so post birth hormone crash as well as the loss of him. But it's making me want to throw myself off something high.
I'm being a shit Mum to my eldest boy, who is almost four, and doesn't understand what's going on. I couldn't even grow his little brother properly without causing catastrophic damage.
We're going to see him this afternoon, to say goodbye properly, and wrap him up and tell him how much we love him and how desperately we wanted him. It all feels like a bad dream.