We had to say goodbye to our baby and my heart is broken (TfMR spina bifida)

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It was such an awful week. Anomaly scan on Monday, worst case scenario confirmed on Wednesday. Incredibly poorly baby and comments like "incompatible with life" and "unlikely to survive" and that was with major operations and invasive procedures.

So we chose to let him go, we didn't want him to suffer. And when I got to the hospital my cervix was already open, so they thought we would have lost him naturally anyway very soon. And he was born, and he was so strong, he lived for an hour and a half at 21 weeks and four days gestation. He was a miracle. And we heard his heart beat thudding away. And then it slowed, and he passed. And I can't bear my grief and sadness.

I'm on day 3, so post birth hormone crash as well as the loss of him. But it's making me want to throw myself off something high.

I'm being a shit Mum to my eldest boy, who is almost four, and doesn't understand what's going on. I couldn't even grow his little brother properly without causing catastrophic damage.

We're going to see him this afternoon, to say goodbye properly, and wrap him up and tell him how much we love him and how desperately we wanted him. It all feels like a bad dream.

I did exactly the same for my little girl. She had her bunny that DSD9 bought for her, and her snuggly blanket and hat. We have the same bunny, too. Everything stayed with her, knowing it was all there keeping her cosy was a comfort.

She's home with us now, and having her here has helped. The bereavement midwives are incredible, please don't hesitate to talk to them about how you are feeling. I was nervous to be open at first, but they are truly amazing people, and will really help you, and your DH.

I took the first few weeks in hour chunks, then 12 hour chunks, then 'blocks'. There's plenty to process, so getting from one block (finishing injectable antibiotics) to the next block (her funeral) helped me mark points to get to. I found that helped focus on time points.

I think it can be hard for friends to know what to say, I know some of mine were petrified to say the wrong thing and risk upsetting me, DH or DSDs further, but I found as time goes on, some normal, daft conversation can help. A chat about a silly work story or supermarket drama obviously won't take any pain away, but it might help you feel more connected with the world (I know that sounds mad, but honestly, it really helped). My life still revolves every day around my baby girl, but tiny snapshots of life outside helps me focus on getting through xxx

I'm so sorry OP. This is my favourite poem for infant loss, and it helped me a lot. I hope it helps you. Just think about how your son only ever knew Love. He was safe, and looked after, and adored, every moment of his life. And that makes you the most wonderful mother.

Too soon - Mary Yarnall
This was a life that had hardly begun
No time to find your place in the Sun
No time to do all you could have done
But we loved you enough for a lifetime

No time to enjoy the world and it's wealth
No time to take life down off the shelf
No time to sing the songs of yourself
Though you had enough love for a lifetime

Those who live long endure sadness and tears
But you'll never suffer the sorrowing years
No betrayal, no anger, no hatred, no fears
Just love - Only love - In your lifetime.

I'm so sad to hear of your loss of your precious boy.Please remember you are a great mum who feels and loves. Give your darling baby a kiss from all of us here and know that we are here for you listening and sending all our love to you xx

I'm so sorry for your loss. You arent a shit mum. You are hurt and grieving.
I've been there too. Yesterday was 1 year since we lost our baby boy to issues incompatible with life. It hurts so hard. And it's even worse with the post birth hormones. It will get better. You wont ever forget or stop loving him. But the pain becomes easier to deal with. Take care of yourself. Dont put any pressure or expectations on yourself right now and remember grief is not linear or the same for anyone.
Please dont blame yourself either. Sending so much love and hugs.

Sending you love OP.

Sending you love dear OP. What terrible heartbreak.

So very sad for you all. Please know this is not your fault, you did nothing wrong. Do reach out and take all the support that is offered to you. X

So so sorry OP , and also to others on here who have had a loss.

You are a great mum, to both your babies. You need to go easy on yourself xx

No words, just love

Life can be so incredibly cruel. I'm so sorry, OP. Your darling little boy will have only known warmth and love in his life, no pain, no suffering. You will always be his mummy and he will always be your son. Do you want to tell us his name?

Sending a hug and a hand hold, and please do have a think about calling the Samaritans.

Oh OP, im so so so sorry for your precious loss.

The exact same thing happened to me 16 months ago, same gestation, same circumstances and also a lovely little boy. There really is no feeling like it, just sad, empty and broken.

I can assure you you are not a shit mum, you are doing your very best.

Take your time this afternoon, enjoy your time with your angel and remember he knew nothing but love from you ❤ xxx

Sending love OP. I'm so sorry for your loss

I’m so very sorry. None of this is your fault and you are obviously an amazing mum. ❤️

I am so sorry for your devastating loss

But this is not your fault. Be kind to yourself.

Im so sorry for your loss OP but please please please do not ever blame yourself for this or think its your fault in any way. Things go wrong when babies develop and its heatbreaking when it does but its not anyones fault.

Take the time you need to process what has happenned and if you need to see a councillor. It will be raw for a while but i hope you have a strong support network around you. Lean on others where you need too and give yourself time to come to terms with this.

I am so sorry for your loss, my heart breaks for you and ur family. Please know this is not ur fault, life is a big bag of shite and is cruel and out of our hands.
Please ask for and take any help offered, and like others have said he only knew love from his mummy and family
Sending all the love and hugs to you xx

You were a the best mum to your baby. You kept him safe whilst you could and let him go when you had to. And you'll always love him.

So sorry for your loss

I'm so very sorry for your loss

I have been where you are, for very similar reasons, but 11 years ago. My son Thomas was born sleeping, following a TfMR. And even after all this time, I resonated with every single word of your OP. Please know that what you are feeling is valid, and it's ok to feel like that now, even though you know in your heart that those thoughts aren't really true. You're not a shit mum, you do know that really, but I totally understand that that is how you will feel right now, and no amount of other people trying to convince you otherwise will change that.

I still think of Thomas every single day, even 11years later. Not always sad thoughts now, I just say a little hello, or pass a smile. You will carry your baby's heart forever, and you will know that you carried this pain, so that they didn't have to.

Like you, I became worried about overburdening my friends and family with my grief, and I found bereavement counselling very helpful. But I would suggest that's for a little bit later on. For now, just try and get through a minute, an hour, a morning.

Sending love and every thought.

So sorry OP. I felt awful guilt for my DD as cried constantly through a molar pregnancy when she was almost 3. I worried that I damaged her, but it didn't (she's regular teen now). DCs need to see adults feeling pain and comforting each other. Life can be really shit; grief and pain should not be locked away. Hold your close ones near and do what you need to do to grieve.

Oh OP, I’m sitting here in tears reading your post. Life can be so cruel and unfair. Sending love and be gentle with yourself. You held your boy and loved him so much and you’ll always hold him in your heart xxx

@Enough4me

So sorry OP. I felt awful guilt for my DD as cried constantly through a molar pregnancy when she was almost 3. I worried that I damaged her, but it didn't (she's regular teen now). DCs need to see adults feeling pain and comforting each other. Life can be really shit; grief and pain should not be locked away. Hold your close ones near and do what you need to do to grieve.

Yes, same, and I agree fully.

I'm so sorry OP, it's beyond heartbreaking. I had a tfmr 3 years ago and still think of the little one daily. It has gotten easier though, I thought I wasn't going to survive.
I'm sure you've already been told about ARC but they have a very supportive forum full of parents that have had a tfmr.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful boy
You are clearly a wonderful mum and no-one should ever have to go through the loss of a baby. It must be so hard to be present for your 4 year old at the minute so don't be hard on yourself; it's completely understandable.

I’m so sorry OP. He sounds a beautiful little boy.