Why is it all so difficult and why does it take so long?

[LakieLady]

My beloved partner died, shockingly suddenly, on Monday.

I'm stuck in a dreadful limbo, currently waiting to hear if the coroner will issue the medical certificate or whether they'll want a post-mortem. Then there's often quite a wait before you can get the death certificate, although I believe this is being done electronically at the moment, so may actually be a little quicker.

Until we can register the death, we can't get on with anything - freezing his bank account, arranging the funeral, any of it.

I'm in bits, and I desperately need to do displacement activity, but there's nothing I can do. It's like being in limbo.

It really feels as though it's prolonging all the distress.

Sorry for your loss.

The coroner sent three copies of the interim death certificate very quickly which was all I needed.

Please take care of yourself.

I am so very sorry to hear of your loss @LakieLady.

I can only offer some practical advise based on my recent experience (it was my mum not my partner who died suddenly)

As it was a sudden death, mum did have to have a post mortem. It took a few weeks for this to happen and yes it was an awful limbo.

We got preliminary results 10 working days after she died (died 21st Sept and results 2nd Oct, we did have to chase Coroners a few times as we had initially been told we'd hear a few days after she died but was advised there were "delays" when we called initially) and we were able to see our local undertakers that same day to begin arrangements. Her body came from coroners to our undertakers on 5th October.

Funeral was arranged for 19th October - which was earliest date they had. We are in London and wanted a cremation.

Sorry for the exact dates, I was just working it all out in my head.

I also think it's may help to give you a realistic time frame, we were hanging around waiting with no direction and that was awful.

Hoping it doesn't need to go to PM for you, and if it does I hope the delay isn't too long.

So sorry

Thanks.

Typically, having had a rant about how long it's taking, very soon after the coroner's officer rang and told me that there has to be a post-mortem and it will be done tomorrow.

Sorry to hear that there has to be a PM @LakieLady but at least it isn't a long wait. Then you can start the process of making arrangements.

I hope you have a good support network / people with you in RL? bastard lockdown #2

Yes, my partner's family are truly fantastic, and are being wonderfully supportive, despite dealing with their own grief.

My boss, is really going above and beyond, too, and has given me her personal mobile with the insistence that I ring her any time, day or night, if ever I need to talk. And a dear friend, despite being 50 miles away caring for her elderly mother, is in regular contact and will be having a "respite" day next week, so she's spending the day with me.

People are being so very kind. Every time the doorbell goes, it's more flowers!

Times like this do bring out the best in people.

Do not be afraid to ask.

Keep well x

I'm so sorry OP

The kindness of people is overwhelming.

We were about to embark on some house renovations. DP has the quotes for new windows all emailed to him, but I can't access his emails.

I have had to ask companies to resend them, and every one of them has sent kind emails, with expressions of sympathy etc. The coroner's officer was so lovely when we spoke, that she feels like a friend.

I bumped into a new neighbour yesterday. We had to have our beloved, but very elderly dog put to sleep, and I had to do it alone. As I was leaving for the vets, I met the new neighbour taking her dogs out and just blurted out what was happening. She was unbelievably kind, it took all her willpower not to hug me.

It's starting to feel real now, and I think I may finally get to have the big cry I feel I desperately need.

I think we only realise how much good there is in the world when something like this happens.

Oh no, I can't believe you've had to put the dog to sleep too (I am on your other thread too so I know doggy is old and wasn't in great health but the timing sucks!!)

Not sure of your beliefs but maybe your DP and dog have been reunited?

I am so dreadfully sorry for what has happened to you.
As a practical point, you can certainly hit up undertakers for quotes right now. My Mum was very thrifty and organized so I actually started this a day or two before she died on the principle of it would be in line with her values (!).
You just need the death certificate before anything nontrivial is actually done.

The coroner's officer phoned me with the pm results yesterday. DP had hardening of the coronary artery leading to a coronary thrombosis. They're looking at the steps the hospital took when he went to A&E to see if anything could have been done differently that would have made a difference to the outcome, then will issue the medical certificate to the registrars, then I'll get an appointment to make the declaration and the death certificate will be issued.

I've got the undertakers' quotes and we've decided which one to go for.

We're starting to plan the service, and his son and I have chosen the music. We're not having a celebrant, so it will be a slightly shambolic affair, but that will reflect DP perfectly.

I hoped this would help me feel that things are moving on, but I feel so stuck, and very scared. But I don't even know what I'm feeling scared of - just a kind of nameless terror.

I can't sleep, even with 2 valium I only slept for 2 hours. I was seriously considering calling The Samaritans an hour ago, just for someone to talk to while everyone in the house is asleep. I feel like I might burst with the pressure of unshed tears, but I just can't cry. It won't happen, the tears are no more than a little moistness of eye.

This truly is hell. I had no idea grief could feel this all-encompassing and so very visceral. Everything that isn't my heartache seems unreal and irrelevant.

Huge hugs, sympathy and solidarity to anyone else who is going through this right now.

I am so sorry for your loss and for your struggle. I know that you won't be able to escape your grief so well done for looking forward to embracing it. Sometimes life is not best managed a day at a time. Sometimes an hour at a time is more appropriate.

Just write it all down here. We will be along to listen. 💐 I'm sorry for your loss, it being so sudden does make it seem unreal.

Maybe try some Sleep music / relaxation and listen to it to try to stop your mind whirring when trying to sleep.

@LakieLady sorry its all feeling so overwhelming for you
"Most people" find it comes in waves but if you feel like you aren't managing or need some support outside of what you already have, by all means call the Samaritans. They do a wonderful job and are there to listen.

So sorry that you are’s going through this. I am a religious celebrant at C of E funerals. May I tactfully suggest that you do have a celebrant even if you want a secular one. Funerals are difficult enough and a good celebrant together with the Funeral Director will give the funeral direction and dignity. It will help you to look back on the event with satisfaction that things were done appropriately. If a mistake or a little chaos occurs at a wedding people will recall it with amusement, at a funeral it would be mortifying.

@NotReallyTheVicar

So sorry that you are’s going through this. I am a religious celebrant at C of E funerals. May I tactfully suggest that you do have a celebrant even if you want a secular one. Funerals are difficult enough and a good celebrant together with the Funeral Director will give the funeral direction and dignity. It will help you to look back on the event with satisfaction that things were done appropriately. If a mistake or a little chaos occurs at a wedding people will recall it with amusement, at a funeral it would be mortifying.

Actually this is a very vaild point.

We had a humanist celebrant, and he was fantastic. Obviously it is his job but he really did manage to make things personal.

It also took a lot of pressure off, we chose some readings but none of us could face actually standing up ourselves. As the service was limited, the celebrant helped to show us where to focus when we wrote mum's eulogy (read by celebrant). We'd have been lost without both celebrant and funeral directors.

• time limited.

Service was limited to 30 minutes.

I would also suggest you either have a celebrant or write down a timeline of what's going to happen at the funeral. I went to a funeral last year where there was no celebrant and it was a very free form event where the family hoped people would spontaneously get up and talk, very few did, which led to awkward silences. There was nothing wrong with that, as our friend is and was dearly missed, but it would have felt better if there was a printed programme for people to understand what was happening. I hope I'm explaining this properly as I don't want to add to your problems at the moment. What I would say is a simple piece of paper handed to everyone which says 1. Welcome from LakieLady & son 2. poem 3. Friend gives eulogy 4. time for anyone to say anything 5. thank you for coming. Then everyone knows where they are. Sending you virtual hugs, lockdown has made a terrible time worse.

@NotReallyTheVicar, your advice is welcomed, but the last thing my dear DP would have wanted would be a service "done appropriately"!

He was very witty and funny, and would like the event to reflect that.

@peonyred, we've started a timeline, exactly as you suggest, and will have an order of service of sorts (it has already been suggested that it should be headed "Disorder of Service").

Thankfully, all his friends and family, including 81-year old MIL, hate formality and none of them are sticklers for convention.

Couldn't read and not post. Your DP sounds like a real character! You must celebrate his life the way you feel is the most fitting for him. And also, that celebration goes far beyond his funeral. You will always celebrate the love you share. I am so sorry for your very sad loss.

I hope you're doing okay LakieLady I know it is a terrible time keeping his sense of humor in mind will help.

[quote LakieLady]@peonyred, we've started a timeline, exactly as you suggest, and will have an order of service of sorts (it has already been suggested that it should be headed "Disorder of Service").

Thankfully, all his friends and family, including 81-year old MIL, hate formality and none of them are sticklers for convention.[/quote]
I think the Disorder of Service idea is perfect! You might also like to consider the following if the service is at a crematorium. First of all, your DP does not need to be carried in, in front of everyone. You could ask for him to be in the chapel before you go in. We found this less upsetting and more dignified (I was worried about her being dropped). Secondly, you don't have to have the curtains closing and the conveyor belt starting. You can simply get someone to say "Thank you for coming", and tip off close friends to start leaving. I found the idea of my mother's coffin going through a door unbearable even though I knew she was just going into another room. I found leaving her in the chapel easier. You may feel differently, but it is worth knowing that you can ask for things to be done the way you want them to be done.

Thank you@peonyred. That's very helpful.

I'm really struggling with physical symptoms. At least, I hope they're physical symptoms of grief/shock/whatever.

They include: spells of shortness of breath, dizziness, racing heart, nausea, shakes/tremors. They're not constant, but intermittent, but come on really suddenly and kind of take me by surprise.

And then there's the dreadfully disturbed sleep, what little sleep I get.

Is this normal?