Stillbirth at 39 weeks

[Cozzor]

My DD was stillborn at 39 weeks on the 21st September. She was due to be born by elective section at 9am that morning but I went into labour during the night before. We went to the hosital, excited and just expecting to have the section a couple of hours earlier. I had felt her move happily the night before at 10pm while I was having a bath. When we arrived at the hospital, the midwife tried to listen into her heartbeat but could not find it. I was not too perturbed as she said the baby could be in an awkward position so she got a mobile scanner unit out and called a doctor. The Doctor spent some time looking at the scan and asked the midwife to call the consultant in from home. At this point I started to panic and the doctor told me she thought the baby had died. When the consultant came in from home, he confirmed it. Our whole world collapsed from that moment.

Things are still very raw, we had Emily's funeral on Friday which was incredibly hard. I have a 2 and three quarter year old son who is a blessing but I do find it hard being around him sometimes as I look at him and just have a feeling of such imense sadness when I think what could have been with Emily - I will never know her as I know my son now. Has anyone else who has lost a baby but already has a child felt that?

All I can think about, even at this very early stage, is getting pregnant and I have been told I have to wait at least 3 months, mainly due to the section scar. Reading some previous postings is making me panic that even when we do start trying, it might not happen for us. I am 35 and worried about this too. Getting pregnant really is the first thing I think of in the morning and my last thought at night and then I feel guilty that I am obsessing about this rather than concentrating on my grief for Emily which is overwhelming but I feel that at least when I am thinking about TTC, I am not drowning in the gut-wrenching grief I feel.

I also have to wait for the post-mortem results but have been warned that they are unlikely to find a cause - I don't know if this is a good or a bad thing.

I still live in the hope that I will wake up and it's time to go and have Emily as planned and this has all been some nightmare................

[SmartArseCoveredinCobwebs]

You are all in my thoughts and prayers. xx

[jenjins]

i am so terribly sorry for your loss. i have tears in my eyes writing this post. cant imagine the pain your going through.

[BOOndle]

Cozzor, I'm so sorry to hear that Emily died, it really must feel like a nightmare

There are other women who've experienced similar tragedies on MN and at Sands, I do hope that you can get some comfort from them. Please be kind to yourself, xxxx

[margoandjerry]

Oh Cozzor, I am so sorry. What a terrible thing for you all.

I have no experience of this but I lost a child at sixteen weeks and less than a year later, was holding my new baby. So please don't add to your grief by fearing that you are somehow jinxed. I felt that but it was just my grief talking.

I know this is not at all comparable to the awful situation you have gone through - please don't think I am trying to compare. But I just don't want you to fear for your future when you have enough to cope with managing the awful grief you are feeling.

Thinking of you and Emily.

[lucykate]

so sorry for you loss, my brother and his partner lost their daughter at 31 weeks last year, there was no cause found and it was put down to what they called a 'cord accident'. this year, they had a successful pregnancy, and now have a little girl who is nearly 3 months old.

there is not much anyone can say to ease your pain atm, your son will be the biggest help in getting through this. it will be natural to feel obsessed about being pg again, all those hormones are still very much in your system. please take it easy on yourself x

[WaynettaVonBlood]

Cozzer
Thinking of you, and darling Emily. Rest in Peace little one.

[ShinyHappyPurpleSeveredHeads]

(((((((((Cozzor)))))))))))))) Thinking of you all

[Marina]

Cozzor, I'm so sorry that Emily died
We lost our second son prematurely at 22 weeks five years ago and actually, wondering how Thomas would have grown and developed alongside his older brother and younger sister is something we will always have with us, even though the raw pain of his death has faded.
SANDS were a great help to me, not at the time of the death, but afterwards, when I too threw myself straight back into TTCing and unexpectedly succeeded. SANDS members can and do support people through pregnancy after a loss - the feeling you describe is recognised by us all.
The unknownness of your lost child is hard to live with.
We had this poem by Elizabeth Jennings at Tom's funeral and I found its bleak acknowledgment of the situation very helpful and honest:

For a Child Born Dead by Elizabeth Jennings

What ceremony can we fit
You into now?
If you had come
Out of a warm and noisy room
To this, there'd be an opposite
For us to know you by.
We could Imagine you in lively mood
And then look at the other side,
The mood drawn out of you, the breath
Defeated by the power of death.
But we have never seen you stride
Ambitiously the world we know.
You could not come and yet you go.
But there is nothing now to mar
Your clear refusal of our world.
Not in our memories can we mould
You or distort your character.
Then all our consolation is
That grief can be as pure as this.

I found posting on here really helped. People were so kind. Thinking of you all XXX

[spookthief]

I am so sorry about the loss of your little girl Emily

[CantSleepWontSleep]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[niceglasses]

Prayers and thoughts with you, so sorry.

PS 35 is young - I had 2 of mine after this age and lots of pple on here older than that.

Take great of yourself.

[Bectheneck]

So sorry for your loss Cozzor. I just wanted to say that my sister, who's now 44, went through a similar experience with her second child. He was stillborn on his due date in July 13 years ago and the cause was unknown. He was perfect.

She's gone on to have 5 more beautiful, healthy children and the first of those was born less than a year later. Each time she was induced 2 weeks early as a precaution. She had a lot of help and support from SANDS as, although we are a close family, we cannot know how truly devastating an experience it is as none of us have been through anything like it.

Understandably, she grieved for a long time and it was a few years until I felt she had 'come back'. She will still look around sometimes and feel that someone is missing and I doubt that will ever go away. We will never forget him.

Whatever feelings you are having are completely natural and don't feel bad about it. Just take it one day at a time. Thinking of you all x

[chipmonkeyPumpkinNorks]

Sorry, Cozzor, agree with niceglasses. I had ds3 at 36 and am expecting ds4 in April.

[Pinner35]

I am truly sorry for your loss and completely understand your pain. I am 36 and we lost our DD at 26 weeks back in April. No cause was found and she was absolutely perfect...it seems that her heart simply stopped beating. I was desperate to become pg again and AF didn't return for about 8 weeks. Looking back, I'm glad I had that time to spend with DH and for both of us to grieve properly (I won't say get over it because I don't think you ever do...you just learn to live with it). Not a day goes by where I don't think about her and I love her now as much as ever, but I'm now 10 weeks pg (although we haven't told a soul yet).

Stay strong, be gentle on yourself and just take one day at time.

xxxx

[Pinkchampagne]

I am so so sorry to hear of the loss of little Emily. x

[ggglimpopo]

I am so sorry.

[MaryAnnSingletomb]

thinking of you and Emily

[redhotdiva]

i am so sorry for your loss i can not even begin to understand.xx

a friend of mine last yr lost the one of the twins that she was carrying she was about 36 weeks she had to carry the pregnacy to term she has never spoke about what happened but has stated that she will never become pregnant again

i think it must be very hard for her as the twins where identical.


her dh went to sands and he said they were very good and not just for mums but for dads too


i send my love and hugs to all of you on this thread who have lossed a baby

[BuzzOffThatsMyWitch]

I am so sorry to hear this.

[goingfor3]

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, it's such a sad time for you and your family.

[tigerschick]

So sorry for your terrible loss.
Wishing you strength at this very sad time.
x

[Judy1234]

Poor poor you. I don't know how long you should wait. Check other sources in case it can be sooner than 3 months if that is what feels best. It hard to imagine how awful you must feel. I can remember miscarrying but that is not as bad.

[CristinaTheAstonishing]

So sorry to read about the loss of your little Emily. Like others on here, I too would recommend SANDS. I also found the babyloss web-board very helpful. I lost my second son nearly 4 years ago, stillborn at 35 weeks. We never found a cause. He died on his big brother's 4th birthday. I got pregnant very quickly and m/c, then got pg straight away and had a daughter. I was 38 by then. We've now just had another daughter. It's painful to think only me, DP, our older son and a friend of DH's are the only ones who remember Louis and that even our memories are slowly fading as we talk less and less about him. I am truly sorry for your loss.