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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Just needed to talk

33 replies

nickiey · 18/10/2004 17:28

Sorry about this, just feel crap and needed to say why, cant talk to anyone about it as "I should be over it by now-plus Ive got Sean so cant be sad"

My little girl died 3 years ago-she will be 4 soon.

Was in town with my little lad when i bumped into some of my mums friends they were chatting about how they had seen so and so's little girl earlier who has the same eyes, the same hair colour and the same complexion-in fact she said "they could be brother and sister"

After they left I burst into tears, whilst looking at wrapping paper in woolworths.

I dont need comforting as im fine, just every once in a while it gets brought back to you how while other forget and move on, I cant-no matter what I do, who im with or where i am I will always be the person who had to bury her daughter.

Also now I get the feeling that girls are in most popular opinion somehow worth more than boys.

OP posts:

whitefeather · 18/10/2004 17:32

thats something you will never get over so its expected sometimes you will feel down in the dumps! sending a cyber hug your way hope you feel better soon!xx

GRMUM · 18/10/2004 17:33

This is such a sad post you have moved me to tears.I wish i had something really helpful to say but everything I think of seems trite somehow. So I'm just sending (((hugs))) grmum xxx

codswallop · 18/10/2004 17:36

Poor you
is it awful when poepl e mention it?
i womdered if it may be nice they remember

snmum · 18/10/2004 17:40

girls arent worth more than boys, they are both worth the same.

Of course you cant forget or cannot get over it. the greif will always be there. You lost your daughter, nothing will ever change that. i think you will always have days when you will cry and things will remind you. You must talk about her and never forget. My Mum lost her daughter (my sister, she was 21 though) and my mum finds it a comfort to 'talk to her' even if she cant hear iykwim

Dont think having a son will make your pain any less either, it doesnt, the pain is still the same. i hope you get some comfort from posting this xxx {{{}}}}

KateandtheGirls · 18/10/2004 17:41

So sorry to read this. My husband died 3 years ago, and I'm not over that and don't think I ever will be. But as a mother I know that losing my child would be even worse. Of course you're not over it. (I would think there would be something wrong of you were.)

Isn't there anyone who you could talk honestly to, who understands and accepts how you feel? How about your husband? You can always come here and "talk" to us.

Original poster

nickiey · 18/10/2004 17:41

Cod,
I dont find it hard to talk about her or if others do-its worse when people say things that they dont realise remind me of her.

Really and trully theres no reason why I should be down about what they said, they seemed to know they had said it and how it sounded and rushed off-I think that is what is upsetting, im not normal enough to have a passing chat with someone without making them feel like they have upset me, and that upsets me!

OP posts:

snmum · 18/10/2004 17:42

was just wondering if you ever had any bereavement counselling?

KateandtheGirls · 18/10/2004 17:46

Nickiey, I know exactly how you feel. I feel awful when friends censor what they're saying because they don't want to upset me, but on the other hand I do feel upset when I hear a friend complain about how little help their husband is (or read a thread on mn about how much "support" someone needs because her husband is away for 2 weeks). I wish I could tell you a way to cope with it.

Original poster

nickiey · 18/10/2004 17:46

Kateandthegirls,
My hubby and I dont real talk about it in this way-in the im really said so and so said this and it reminded me as my hubby is very together and although we talk about her, its private and has nothing of anyone else in it iykwim.
I think all that has happened is that this weekend my BIL and SIL came to stay with us with their 6 month old dd, their dd slept in our cot and I think it was all just a bit to....... insert right word as i have no idea what that word is.

OP posts:

KateandtheGirls · 18/10/2004 17:47

Oh, that must have been so painful, Nickiey.

Original poster

nickiey · 18/10/2004 17:48

snmum,
I didnt have any counselling but did get in touch with the sands org to do some work for them helping other parents going through similar things.

I really am ok, just felt sad today and this is really the only place I can get it off my cheast

OP posts:

JanH · 18/10/2004 17:49

Didn't they even mention your DD? How tactless...

nickie, did you see the thing I posted yesterday about Nigella Lawson? It's here . One of the things she says is "It's as if people think you are either happy or unhappy, one or the other. As though happiness is like some kind of domestic cleaning product you spray around to get rid of those nasty, dark, dusty corners. I don't think happiness is a remedy for unhappiness, like there, that was unhappy, now this is happy! What kind of a life is it if you don't have both? You don't go around grieving all the time, but the grief is still there and always will be."

Your grief will always be there and it will pop up sometimes. Another of Nigella's thoughts is "What is this thing about getting over it? You don't get over it!"

She knows. Your mum's friends are wrong to assume you should have "got over it". And girls aren't better than boys!

codswallop · 18/10/2004 17:56

Kate I am with you on the 2 weeks thing

KateandtheGirls · 18/10/2004 18:06

That's good to hear Coddy. I thought I was missing something.

codswallop · 18/10/2004 18:08

oo and I thought thtat there was more to it!

I remember being 37 weeks pg wiht 2 dsses and dh in s africa fro 2 weeks!
not htat thats comparable in any way to you.

anorak · 18/10/2004 18:09

Hi nickiey, just want to add my support. I hope you sometimes get pleasure from thinking of your little girl, if you know what I mean. One thing death can't erase is your memory of the person you've lost. Lots of love xxx

DelGirl · 18/10/2004 18:12

So sorry that you are having a bad time of it at the moment nickiey. Can only say that, as you already know, it will pass, but unfortunately will never go away completely. Sending you hugs.

Coddy and Katg, I have to say I agree too.

zebra · 18/10/2004 18:22

What happened Nickiey? How did she die?

Original poster

nickiey · 18/10/2004 18:25

Zebra,
She was stillborn at term. A PM could find no cause of death-just said it was like cotdeath in the womb.

OP posts:

BooMama · 18/10/2004 18:33

That was how some friends of ours lost their first ds. they have subsequently had another ds but it doesn't change the despair the had after ds1 died. I suppose some people think it must be ok now but to them they still have 2 children, just one is no longer there.

biketastic · 18/10/2004 18:54

nickiey,
I do hope you feel a bit better soon. It must be so hard to hear other people talk like that. My friend's friend lost a 10 day old baby some years ago, and my friend always sends her a mothers' day card and flowers. I thought it was a bit strange of her, until I had my ds. Now I know that the way you feel about a baby is that they will always be in your life and part of you whatever happens.
I'm sure it must be sad not to hear people recognise that she existed, it is just not really understanding how it feels for you.
Take care of yourself tonight and let yourself be sad if you need to, you wouldn't be human if you didn't need to be sad sometimes.

jollymum · 18/10/2004 19:26

nickiey- for you. I can't imagine what it's like to lose a child, I am lucky. I can't send any clever words/thoughts just my love to you and your Dh.XXX

smonky · 18/10/2004 19:30

Poor you
My daughter would have been 14 years old on 2nd oct.She died at 3 weeks old.
I think i have an idea of how you feel and it is ok.
I used to talk about it quite matter of factly so as not to make people feel bad!
You are allowed to be upset you know without wantin oodles of sympathy.I now have a 5 year old son and of course there are basically stupid people who will value girls over boys but of course that is ridiculous.A healthy happy child is all i want.
Do take care and do not give yourself a hard time.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

throckenholt · 18/10/2004 19:30

grief is like that - hits you at odd and seemingly inapproriate times. (I haven't lost a child but I did lose my dad - for a long time very odd things upset me unexpectedly.)

She will always be your daughter just as your son will always be your son.

And I don't think girls are worth more than boys (I have 3 boys - all are individuals worth as much as evreyone else.

Original poster

nickiey · 18/10/2004 19:58

Thanks folks, Am feeling better-Hubby due home soon, dinner done, boy in his pj's the domestics of family life can sometimes be such bliss!

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