Just needed to talk

[nickiey]

Sorry about this, just feel crap and needed to say why, cant talk to anyone about it as "I should be over it by now-plus Ive got Sean so cant be sad"

My little girl died 3 years ago-she will be 4 soon.

Was in town with my little lad when i bumped into some of my mums friends they were chatting about how they had seen so and so's little girl earlier who has the same eyes, the same hair colour and the same complexion-in fact she said "they could be brother and sister"

After they left I burst into tears, whilst looking at wrapping paper in woolworths.

I dont need comforting as im fine, just every once in a while it gets brought back to you how while other forget and move on, I cant-no matter what I do, who im with or where i am I will always be the person who had to bury her daughter.

Also now I get the feeling that girls are in most popular opinion somehow worth more than boys.

Glad you're feeling better this evening.

nickiey, just caught up with your thread, and wanted to send you some sympathetic vibes. Two years on from losing a stillborn son Tom at 22 weeks, I think I can understand some of what you were feeling yesterday. Like you, I got lots of help from Sands and I did also have bereavement counselling. Whole weeks can go by when I can think of Tom calmly, then something, not usually directly connected to him, sets me off. When dd was born safely a year later, every single person who said "oh lovely, now you've one of each" (we have a ds who's five) made me cry - yes, we had dd, but I'd have been so happy with two ds's. So actually I am with you on the perception that girls are "worth" more. I feel like Tom is seen by some as expendable as we already had one of those, and worth the heartache because we got a little girl afterwards.
It must have been hell seeing another baby girl in your cot - but I probably would not have anticipated feeling that way either. It just creeps up on you, doesn't it.
We were given the "cot death in the womb" explanation too. I found it no help at all.
Hope you are still feeling good today.

Hi Marina,
Seems we are on the emotional wave length
Im fed up with seeing people fawn far more over girls than boys (remember folks I can only speak from my own exp) I just pulled Sean out of a particular play school as having been there 4 weeks I had never seen one of the 7 carers pick up and cuddle a boy-always the girls.
Maybe its just gender setreotyping gone loopy-we subcontiously expect boys to be tougher-only when you have lost a child do you realise how precious a gift they are and that all children need oodles of cuddles.

Im feeling good about things today-we had been trying for another baby for the past few months but have put a hold on it until after christmas, but i guess watch this space.

Hi Nickiey - really sorry to hear about your little girl, I had a miscarriage before ds so can understand a little of what you went through, though sure it wasn't as hard. My cousin lost her first born through stillbirth & many in the family think she should get over it (was yrs ago now & she has 2 kids) but why? like others have said & Nigella's sensible comments - your dd'll always be there for you, you'll always grieve her in your own way but that doesn't exclude you from living your life now. Also agree with yr comments re boys - I had ds in an "outstanding" (according to Ofsted) nursery only to see him neglected I felt by the female staff - he wanted to run & do physical stuff, they seemed mainly interested in making pictures. Only if more men enter childcare & primary education is this going to change, IMO, ie never!

Thanks Zolapola

the things with school was that ds is very arty and into imaginary play-brining you cups of coffe and bits of cake and so on-just the interaction wasnt there from the staff for him-tho' there was pleanty for the girls.
ds is now in a private school nursery in a class of 4 with 2 carers and one student-he is blossomming!

nickiey, {{{hug}}}
You little girl will alway's be with you no matter what..
I just wanted to give support to you as i can't imagine the pain you feel.. I m/c last june and the pain i feel for a child i never got to know is so painful.. Each day that goes by i think and wonder what stage i would be at now, and i'm sure you do that with you girl..
I hope you get all the support and advice on MN as i found it so good to talk about things..

I think the problem is you are missing the time you didn't get with them, if you see what I mean. You often see something and think - I wonder what x would have thought of that.

I feel like that about my dad - I was 18 when he died and I never had the chance to know him as an adult, and I would live him to have known my kids. As a parent I guess you are the same - you see your other kids and think - I wish x could be part of this.

Only people who have not experienced bereavement would expect you to get over it - all you can do is learn to live with it - and accept that sometimes that means being sad, and sometimes happy.

Throckenholt, absolutly agree-If i see a little girl of her age i think would she be like that/doing that how would Ds and DD get on, that sort of thing.

I still have enormous trouble with pink things and little baby girls-I still have a little box with the dress i bought dd to wear on my birthday.