Do you ever get used to it?

[Bexily]

My Mum died 8 weeks ago, it wasn't sudden - she was diagnosed with Cancer in January but I still can't get my head around never seeing her again.

I cope by not thinking about it. I can't accept it. She should be here enjoying life, enjoying her grandchildren. I just want to talk to her and hug her.

Give it time, it's still very soon. It's the natural order of things for your parents to die. But do talk to your kids about her - keep her memory alive in them.

I’d say that yeah, you do get used to it, but it takes time. Minimum a year because of the seasons, but possibly more. My grandad died over a quarter of a century ago and mum and I still talk about him, whether he would have loved something, or found it funny.

I’m sorry for your loss, and your suffering.
My dad died just over a year ago. I still miss him, of course, but that rawness of the early weeks and months has dulled a bit. Some days the loss feels more heavy/present than others, but other days the memories of him feel lighter, and more joyful.
So, my experience is that yes, it does change with time - and it does feel a little easier- but the loss never really leaves you, it just becomes more bearable.
Just be gentle with yourself. You will find ways of remembering your mum, as time passes, that feel bearable.
I think I tried to “get back to normal “ too quickly after dad died, and I wish I had taken more time to just kind of fall apart a bit, and be with my grief. But it’s different for everyone.
Take care of yourself

My mum died when I was 15, over a decade ago, and my dad died a year ago. I still ache for them both, but I am at peace with my mother's passing, she also died of cancer.
I hate not speaking to my dad every day. I still miss him terribly and like you wish he was here enjoying his grandchildren.
But I know the unbearable ache in my gut will subside, as it did with my mum, and I will be able to look back on our memories fondly. No idea when, though.

I find it goes in waves. My mum also died from cancer and I coped by not thinking about it too much. Then there will be a song or a show or something that reminds you of them.. or the way they died.. and you’re in bits for a while. Then you pick up and carry on. You’ll always miss your mum but you’ll be able to talk about her fondly and without crying in the future. You’ll remember all the good times

It does get better I promise. You are still in the very early stages. I once read that ( as a very rough guide ) it takes two years for your brain to accept it. I think that was about right for me. But I lost. My parents 2 years apart from each other so it all resurfaced. I still have days when memories are so painful I can’t breathe , but they are getting fewer. It’s love that’s all .

So sorry OP. 8 weeks is nothing. It will get easier with time. Do you have other people to talk with about your lovely mum?

I’m so so sorry for your loss, losing your mum is just horrendous. Yes she should be here and it’s so unfair and cruel.

Sadly yes you do get used to not having a Mum quicker than you think but missing the person takes a long time to come to terms with. I lost my Mum 10 years ago and I still think about her and miss her all the time. That being said, I have been truly happy again in that time which I never expected, please just look after yourself and remember grief is not linear and everyone grieves differently.

💐 to all here and especially the OP

I lost my dad 3 years ago ,i think about him every single day and miss him very much, i found the 2nd year to be the hardest , the shock of losing him was wearing a little off by then, but really i still have days when i actually can't believe he is gone, those moments are'nt nice.
I think you do get used to it but i feel there has been a shift in my life and everything is a little off balance for me.
I am a positive person and usually quite happy , but i can't ever imagine a time when i stop missing my dad .
Kind thoughts to anyone going through loss x

Thank you everybody. She was an amazing Mum and Nanna.

I do have other people to talk to, my husband is very supportive and we are a large, close family. I do struggle to talk to people IRL though.

Oh, my friend posted a really good bereavement analogy today! I'll try and copy it

www.facebook.com/112327060224777/posts/153182226139260?d=n&sfns=mo

I lost my dad 4 years ago. At the time someone said to me..you don't get over it but you will learn to live with it. so sorry for your loss. its early days so be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve. it will get easier.

Yes you do become used to not being able to see them but it takes a lot of time and you still think of them every day. My dad died 13 years ago... still think about him in a current way and talk about him. By year 7 I was able to think of all the good memories and felt good feelings when I thought of him rather than the pain of loss (but it was steadily less to then).
So sorry for your loss! Take your time grieving, it is worth feeling the loss than the problems caused if you don’t.

I recall, in my two parental bereavements, having a thing where I'd wake up, feel 'light' for a moment- but with a feeling of something not 'OK'- then it would hit.

Dad's dead. Oh yes. That thing.

It took years to find accommodation for that. But it gets easier. Hopefully you find your peace, too.

Sorry for your terrible loss, it's very difficult coming to terms with the loss of a mum.

Lost my mum to cancer a year ago, it was awful as she was diagnosed then died 12 days later. Very shocking and I'll never get used to not having her in my life, I will always feel something is missing but I go on for my kids.

As other have said you do learn to live with the loss, but it never truly leaves you.

It's very early days for you, just over a year and I still can't really accept my mum has gone

I'm sorry for your loss. It's awful and nothing can speed this bit up unfortunately.

My mum died in February last year and then my dad 2 months later. So that was just a whole load of non stop fun

I was close to both but extremely close to my mum and the pain is just not something I have words for. You know what I mean though. I sometimes think ' bloody hell! They died! That's just incredible!' and it's almost as if my brain cant comprehend such a thing.

However - I can reassure you that it feels .. different over time. I dunno - it's just a bit easier maybe? And then some days it isn't but on the whole, you come to terms with it and the kids keep you going etc. But this won't happen for you right now so all you can do is be very kind to yourself, accept you're in the acute phase just now and wait for better days because they do come I promise

OP.
Im so sorry. My mum also died of cancer 10 years ago. It was a shock and she went into hospital for an unknown infection and was put in to an induced coma and died a few weeks later.
My DC were toddlers at the time. I remember 6 months to the day, I realised when I visited my Ddad that I didn't relive the trip to the hospital when she died and also (weirdly and sorry tmi) my DS threw up in the car and .my first thought was I'll deal with this, not, I wish mum was here
I still think of her a lot and my ddad died last year and that made me relive a lot of stuff around her death that has been really hard.

Illegitiminoncarborundum that's a very good analogy. It a strange way I feel worse now than when it first happened, I think because she was suffering and we knew the end was near if that makes sense.

My DD is 9 and is really struggling too, we just keep talking, I'm not sure what else to do.

I think there are moments when it still seems unreal. I often think 'oh, must tell dad about that' then realise I can't and it's been years rather than months. My elderly mother told me a while back that even though her own parents have been gone for 40 years she sometimes thinks 'oh, mum would know that, I'll ask her!'. Just for a second, it's not that she is confused, she is of sound mind, but it's just this fleeting moment of having cancelled it out.

I don't think grief is linear. I think it comes and goes in waves. That's been my experience anyway.

But what you are feeling is very normal.

Hello, I am so very sorry for your loss. It was my lovely dad’s funeral today.

I don’t really feel like it has hit me yet. I feel like I can’t grieve at the moment because I am angry as a result of the circumstances of his death. I am just distracting myself with other things. My mum has cancer too so life is pretty hard at times.

If you want a chat at any time feel free to message. X

I've lost my dad, sister and mum all to cancer within the past 10 years.
I would say it's a different way of life that you kind of get used to.
My mum died 2 years ago, and while it's easier it's not something I have really got used to. I still find myself going to call her and let her know an achievement from one of the kids.
I find myself now smiling at the memories, where as at the beginning even the happy memories were so painful to think about, I still have moments, and they tend to just ping up out of nowhere, the other day the bus went past that she would come to visit on, I've seen that bus hundreds of times since we lost her, but for some reason this time it hit a nerve, it's like I could see her stepping off and giving me her little wave. But the moments are getting further apart. There is no right or wrong way to grieve and there is no time limit, some deal with it better than others, but don't rush yourself through it. My thoughts are with you

You do. I lost my mum four years ago. She was only 60. When she was dying the thought of 40-odd more years without her was unbearable. I still don't really see the point in a lot of life trivia and I have a very firm conviction that I neither want to die in a hospice nor a care home (I will make my own arrangements) but I have got used to it. My DCs are my reason for being but I do take pleasure in lots of other things, even though my bereavement has changed my outlook in quite a bleak way.