Those of you who lost a parent when you were a child...

[TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince]

Has it affected you and how?

My df died when l was young. I seem to carry a burden of inner loneliness everywhere. Even in crowds and when I’m happy.

Depression and anxiety are my constant bedfellows.

Is anyone else like this?

I think it makes me quite protective of myself and of my mum. I try not to ever rely on anyone else too much - emotionally or physically I need to know that I'll be ok if someone stops being there.

Yes. It changes you completely. My mum died in her 20s leaving three v small children. My dad coped by not speaking about her. Sad times.

Be kind to yourself op. Do you have kids? I found becoming a parent myself quite make or break. CRUSE will help you, if you want it.

I lost my dad to suicide whenI was 9. His family blamed my mum so she moved me and dsis away from the area and I mevet saw my dafs family again. I lost a dad, 2 grandparents, 6 aunties and uncles and 12 cousins all in one day!

I’m 36 now and my dh complains that I’m not tactile enough with my own dc. I think my history plays a part.

I have a good relationship with my mum but we are more like friends than family... we don’t talk about close stuff or hug and stuff... my mil is the complete opposite and I struggle with this as I actually like being a non hugger/talker and I hate being fussed over.

I should say also that my mum lost her mum at aged 9 too, leaving her dad in the early 70s with 3 under 12. They used to get shipped off to relatives in the countryside a lot

I lost my mother when I was 11. It has affected my whole life. You miss out on so much.

Do you ever fear history will repeat itself and your dc will lose a parent early?

Yes, I lost my DDad in childhood. I have a deep fear of abandonment which has never left. It affected my relationships into adulthood, I am more at peace with it now I am in my 40s, though I find it sobering that I am only a few years younger now than he was when he went.

Yes, abandonment, l have that fear. And being alone. And l wish l didn’t have these fears.

Dad died when I was 9, I didn't deal with it brilliantly as a child (a few other relatives died before I was 19 too) but now 15 years on I think I ve dealt with it as best I can, I can be a bit anxious at times and am quite pessimistic but I m happy with my life and I m having a baby boy in October and I m giving him dad's name as his middle name.

Yes @TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince... I am not suicidal or depressed but when I am down I do often wonder why my dad did it and whether I will end up in that situation as I know depression can be hereditary.

My biggest worry is my dc becoming depressed.

@TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince

Do you ever fear history will repeat itself and your dc will lose a parent early?

I used to, but once my DC passed the ages that my siblings and I were when my mum died, I don't so much.

There were quite a few things I did 'to prepare them for when I died' - obviously didn't tell them that! But made sure there was plenty of info in the house about me and them, lots of photos, things with my handwriting, stuff like that. And a folder with bills for DH

Yes I did. 30 years ago. I have 3 siblings all of whom have had serious mental health issues throughout their remaining childhood and all of their adulthood because of it. I've learnt to accept it although that night will never leave me but it was hard seeing the damage it did/done.

1990’s. I’m guessing you are about 26 or so?

I was pretty Okish then. But I’m quite a lot (well a lot) older than you. I’ve found the missing jigsaw bit has actually got worse as I’ve got older.

No, wait you’re 24!

I try not to ever rely on anyone else too much - emotionally or physically I need to know that I'll be ok if someone stops being there.

I can relate to that.

@TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince

1990’s. I’m guessing you are about 26 or so?

I was pretty Okish then. But I’m quite a lot (well a lot) older than you. I’ve found the missing jigsaw bit has actually got worse as I’ve got older.

The missing pieces do keep totting up. As you get older you realise more and more what you missed out on as a child, and continue to miss out on as an adult. It is a bereavement you have to reprocess many times.

Exactly GetUp. It’s the retrospective stuff that’s so hard.

I try not to ever rely on anyone else too much - emotionally or physically I need to know that I'll be ok if someone stops being there

Same.

From what I’ve read the independence thing is how a lot of adults turn out, who were bereaved as children.

Or the other side is fear of abandonment and internal loneliness.

I wish l was the first rather than the second.

I’m lucky I still have both my parents, but my grandfather died suddenly in a traffic accident when my dad was 6. He is 75 now, but has suffered with depression all his adult life and throughout my life has shed a tear when talking about his father many times.

I lost my mum to cancer when I was 13, (8 years ago now) and I can safely say that it's made me the person I am. Don't get me wrong, I've had my struggles with anxiety and depression and often still do, taking medication and seeing a weekly therapist for the last 5 years. It's like nothing imaginable and frankly I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but also, I would be a totally different woman if I hadn't lost her. My priorities are totally different to what they would've been, you have to draw strength from the strength of your parents whether they are still here or not. Everything I do is to make her proud, I don't think it will ever change. It's definitely shaped the mother that I'm going To be x x x

Hannah, yes that’s what l felt like at your age!

But l don’t feel it now 40 years later. I just feel like there’s a big gap in my life, that l can’t describe

The missing pieces do keep totting up. As you get older you realise more and more what you missed out on as a child, and continue to miss out on as an adult. It is a bereavement you have to reprocess many times.

I'm not sure that pain will ever be ok for me. I increasingly feel that life, for me, is not worth the pain, loss and brutality. I am tired of trying to survive and carry what feel like repeated bereavements as the years pass.

It's isolating when most people do not have any true understanding of what it is like to go through, or the reality that the loss grows, it does not diminish. People want you to be "over it" because it's convenient and comfortable for them that way. Like you should be unaffected by the absence of a person who is still a central pillar in their life holding them up.

A warm hug to all of you who lost a parent as a child. It is devestating ❤️

I have a 2DNs who have lost a parent (my sibling) to suicide. I worry so much about the long term impacts but also can relate to some of the feelings of loneliness and fear of abandonment and I didn't lose a parent when a child (that said, while our upbringing was outwardly "normal" our parents were quite dysfunctional).

I wonder if part of the long term impact is related to how well or not the loss of the parent is talked about and how easily we can talk to my DNs about my dear sibling who died.

Can anyone say if that is right? Or is it all the bare fact of the loss? Which is immense.

Anything you would change in the way people around you coped or how they treated you that might have made a difference to you?

Oh gosh, I remember talking and feeling like some pp when I was in my 20s. Like I could use the loss to drive me and be stronger and more appreciative of the world as a result. I don't feel that way anymore.