Those of you who lost a parent when you were a child...

[TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince]

Has it affected you and how?

My df died when l was young. I seem to carry a burden of inner loneliness everywhere. Even in crowds and when I’m happy.

Depression and anxiety are my constant bedfellows.

Is anyone else like this?

Interesting that a lot of people are saying they didn’t grieve, and tried to block it out. I think that’s how l dealt with it. But l also denied it for years.

He died when l was 8. I used to dread getting my school report as we had to address the envelope. Everyone on the class wrote ‘To Mr and Mrs.....’ l also did this, even though l only had my mum,

I found these reports a few years ago, still in their envelopes. I couldn’t stop crying.

Oh the 'Mr and Mrs….' from school, so upsetting. This was the late sixties and early seventies so things were so different I guess with the way society accepted single parents. I know my mum really really struggled - she had definite mental health problems until she died last year which is so sad.
I also started 15 years of in and out of hospital surgery 6 months after my dad died, so the psychological impact of that, which was entirely ignored, was huge - again manifesting in alcoholism and god knows what else! It's so good things in every way have changed so much for children now

I never got to say goodbye to my mother before or after she died of a terminal illness in hospital. My relatives must have thought I was too young and although well meaning it was the wrong thing.

I was at the funeral of course but I never saw her.

It's had a long term impact on me. Loneliness, a void that could never be filled, fear of being abandoned again, loss of security and safety. Years of therapy and I'm still not fixed.

It's been nearly 30 years and it still hurts like hell but in a different way. It's not an acute, immediate pain.

Same here Hey Sugar, absolutely the same!

I have no inner core of strength like other people seem to have. Just a sort of slowly swirling fog with nothing to hang onto or grab hold of.

I’m still not fixed either.

Today would have been my Mum's 62nd Birthday. (I've just realised I made a mistake above. It wasn't 7 days after her birthday though was the same month. It was 7 days after my little sister's 6th birthday)

Having my own children made me feel very close to my mum. The only thing my Dad ever said about her was "she loved you both so much" I feel that way about my children and that connects me with my Mum.

My cousin also lost her Mum young she says we are forever damaged by that loss. No grief counselling available in the 80s really.

I found my dad dead in his bedroom from suicide just before I hit my teens.

My life since (until DH, who just 'got it') was plagued with self-sabotaged relationships with awful men.

My dad wasn't a particularly good dad or husband but it left me feeling like I wasn't good enough or deserved anything.
I thought of him as incredibly selfish to do that to us.

However, I found more empathy when I considered ending my own life a few years ago and only the thought of my DCs stopped me.

It did reinforce the fact that I couldnt understand how you can't fight for the sake of your kids, but understood how desperate he was.

To this day, there's something missing, but more within me than because of losing him.
Added to the fact "that's the girl who's dad died" was my identity throughout school.

It did me no favours. Even into adulthood.

I’ve sort of seen suicide from every angle.

My dad tried when l was 4. My sister who was 10 found him. I don’t have a memory of this really, just being hurried out of the house. I kind of remember the atmosphere though.

When my ex left me when our son was 18m old l was suicidal. I couldn’t face the thought of living in so much pain.

I’m a secondary school teacher. I’ve seen pupils who’s parents have committed suicide. It’s not very pretty.

So I’ve viewed it from kind of every angle.

And knowing this, l wouldn’t do it now.

My dh lost his dad to cancer when he was young. He has health anxiety which he is sure is down to that.

My mum died when I was 2.

I have so few 'real' memories of her, and the family never spoke of her. DF destroyed all of her possessions, pics etc. I feel cheated out of not being able to know her. Was she left handed? Did she prefer tea to coffee? Was I breastfed? Why did she choose my name? What did she die from? I didn't know the answer to that last question until I was mid-twenties - how screwed up is that?! I wondered whether she'd been killed in an accident, a tragic illness, an axe-murderer...

I've been quite a loner ever since. And had depression most my adult life. I attempted suicide several times because I didn't know how to handle abandonment by partners. I overeat in secret.

I'm desperate to be the best mum ever to my DD(14), but am conscious that I may be holding her back from growing up too fast and too independent of me. I want her to need me. And I'm bloody ashamed to say that.

The fear of abandonment. Extreme self reliance. I've had a great deal of effective therapy in the past few years to finally properly grieve and express my pain and anger at losing my mum at 7. I'm having a baby myself in October and it's coming to the surface during pregnancy.

Oh god the form that kept being sent back by school because my mother completed her details but left DF’s blank. I knew they needed to say deceased but I couldn’t spell it so I had to write “dead”

My eldest is now the age I was when my father died & seeing them together makes me more than ever realise that his loss really was traumatic. My DD would be destroyed if DH died even though DD & I have a really strong relationship. I never had a good relationship with my mother (she doesn’t like me ) & in her grief she shut me out & pulled my younger brother close. I was sent to school the next morning & the only school I missed was one afternoon for the funeral after which I was sent to stay overnight with a not close friend because she wanted us out of the house for the wake.

Like others I am a loner & keep people at a distance. I feel like every new part of life has forced me to grieve again which until recently I resented & was very frustrated by.

Sorry there are so many of us but reassuring to read that my experiences are “normal”.

My mum died when I was 5. This was in the early 80s so it’s wasn’t really spoken about and I was just left to get on with it. Nobody talked about her.

I still don’t talk about her, not that I remember much. I don’t even know if I went to the funeral. As an adult I’ve realized that my control issues stem from her death. I remember being told my mum had died and I screamed and screamed to just bring her back; I can still feel the helplessness of not being able to change the situation. That’s why I want to be in control of everything now.

I also hate goodbyes or “lasts”.Always cry. Again, this must be to do with losing my mum (not sure whether I said goodbye to her or not).

Yeah, ‘lasts’ are awful. Just realised today, that dd 14 who used to love going bodyboarding in Cornwall is no longer interested.

That is such a huge ‘last’ for me. I’ve cried, dh totally bemused.

Wow reading these reply's is like reading about my life. My mum died when I was 13. My dad did his best but he was lost. We aren't a close family I have an older dbro. Lots of sadness at what I've missed out on. Struggle to trust people. Very independent. Most of all sad just so sad.

Wow reading these reply's is like reading about my life. My mum died when I was 13. My dad did his best but he was lost. We aren't a close family I have an older dbro. Lots of sadness at what I've missed out on. Struggle to trust people. Very independent. Most of all sad just so sad.

I was 15 when my dad died, we are not from a tactile family and it has, with the benefit of hindsight, had a massive impact on me. Initially I went off the rails a bit at school and then for the next 10 years or so I felt really quite “normal” but when I met my husband’s family, and particularly his father I realised what I had been missing. FIL was very kind to me and when he died it hit me really hard.

When I got to the age my mum was when my dad died I felt sort of winded about how young she was and what she had to cope with it. It must have been so hard for her, and how hard it still is. She’s been in poor health for the last 12 years and it really hurts that she is coping without her husband.

For me, as I age, it gets harder every day.

These posts are so hard to read. I am so sorry for what you all have been through.

My wonderful dh (39) is dying of bowel cancer he has less than 12 months to live, we have 3 amazing children the youngest is 14. So far they seem to be handling it ok but I am so worried about them once he does die. I know I won't be in a fit state to help them as much as they will need which is so selfish of me, but I can't imagine any sort of future where he's not in it I know I'm going to fall apart. We have been together since we were 16 he really is my true soul mate and best friend.

I have some counselling set up that they can go to (they have refused so far) and my mum will be on hand, thankfully she is very close to them. How can I help them? I know we are very lucky that we will have lots of videos and photos but is that ever enough... how can it be.

I'm sorry for jumping on the thread

What a horrible place to find yourself in, and it must be frightening to read some of these posts.

I don’t know what to say, I really don’t, but things have changed so much since my dad died 40 years ago when we had no outside help at all that I hope that you will have access to so much more in the way of emotional and physical support.

There is no right or wrong way of handling such a horrible situation, you can only what feels right at the time for your family. So sorry.

Loubieloo please don't feel you should apologise for jumping on this thread - i am glad to do anything I can to help people have a better time of bereavement than I did (do). So sorry for what you are facing.

From my experience I can only really say, talk about it, make it not taboo to mention or ask questions about.

I think it gets harder as you shuffle up the generations. For example my kids are teenagers now and I know that there may come a time when I am a grandmother and will feel my mums loss all over again. I'm the head of the family when I shouldn't be, out of my depth and not a strong matriarch because I spent my childhood needing my mum. I understand that I am super strong and nothing can break me, I am independent, loner etc, or, actually am I broken, and this is what its like to be broken but alive?

Loubie, have you contacted Winstons Wish? They may be able to help a bit.

So so sorry for you💔 celebrate every fantastic thing about him now. And even more when he is gone.

For all the bereaved adults on here, Winston’s Wish also has a support section for adults bereaved as children. I found this really helpful.

So many heartbreaking stories on here, yet so little knowledge of, or support for these people.

From reading these it seems there are common threads.

People feel it more as they get older
People have an underlying sadness all the time😥

I remember meeting my ex Fil. He was a lovely man. Age 26 l wouldn’t speak to my ex for a day as he had a dad and l didn’t. I use to cry on the way home every time l met his parents. Because of what l never had.

Going to have to go, eyes filling up, lump in throat. I guess we’ve all been there

I lost my dad at 12 and my mum the day after my 16th birthday. It has impacted my life so much. I have no friends, I’m very independent and struggle to let people in. I suffer from depression. I’m married with three boys and I try to be the best mum I can be. I feel so resentful about how my life has turned out, I feel like nobody understands, it’s nice to know I’m not the only person going through this

Babz💔 in a gap of 4 years. That must have been so so hard.