Will never feel true happiness without my mum

[NannyPear]

My mum died, aged 49, 7 years ago. I don't think I've grieved properly and there's still a lot of anger, along with a lot of sadness. I don't think I'm any further forward with accepting her death since it happened, and I can't see that changing. I have young kids now and every day is a reminder she's not here. Every happy event has a very obvious cloud over it. I can't even take a photo of my kids without thinking of how much I want to send it to my mum. The current events don't help either. I know that as soon as the lockdown rules were eased it would have been her garden I'd be sitting in, but there isn't anyone rushing to see me, or vice versa, like there would have been. Will I ever be truly happy in this life? I'm only 30, and so acutely aware of how precious life is and how it should be savoured, but can't help feeling this way.

I am so sorry to hear you this sad. Have you thought about bereavement counselling? Cruse offer this. Also, you may be suffering from depression which can be a result of loss. Your GP may be able to help. 💐

Thank you lightsabre. I've not heard of Cruse so will look into that. I went to the GP 5 years or so ago for depression but lost my way with treatment and managing it when the kids came along. Maybe I should look into it again. I'm just so sad all the time.

Sorry I can't be more help but there is a board in Bereavement I think of people who have lost a parent which might help. I know medication isn't everything but it can take the edge off the raw feelings and help you to cope - might be worth a try again? All this time indoors is probably not helping either - there seems to be too much time to dwell on sad things.

OP your post resonated with me so much I lost my mum suddenly 6 weeks ago she was only 63 and my very best friend I am due my first baby tomorrow and I am just terrified of everything and can't imagine ever feeling fully happy again

People keep saying the baby will make you happy, make things better etc
They honestly have no idea nothing will ever fully heal this pain

My mum and I adored each other, she’s been gone nearly 20 years and I still miss her so much. I can only describe it as learning to live a different life. She would hate for me to be sad all the time, so I try to be very very appreciative that I had such a wonderful mother, and I know she’s the reason I have a loving relationship with my own children.
I talk about her to my children often,and to wider family. It’s difficult, perhaps some counselling may help.

@Sally2791 how old were you when you lost her ? It's just the worst isn't it how did your dad cope?

I am on the fence about counselling at the moment feel like I don't have the time for it with baby coming another thing which makes me sad feel like I can't prioritise grieving for my mum. Completely agree with what you are saying I feel so lucky and proud she was mine we were thick as thieves all I can hope now is I have that same relationship with my daughter and hopefully for much longer

I was 40. My father had already died, but neither she nor I had a great relationship with him. Sorry you are having such a hard time, lots of conflicting emotions. Hope all goes well with baby. Everybody thinks time heals but I’m not sure how true that is.

So sorry for your loss.. I can't even imagine loosing my mum and I've actually lost my dad at a young age. I was 17 and in addition to the confusion of being a teenager had to watch him deteriorate with chemo. They offered counselling and I went to a few sessions but it was far too soon to open up to anyone - Haven spoken to professionals they say immediately after is far too soon for therapy and after 7-8 years is when I really looked for help. You're able to digest things a lot better and not only because I was an adult but because I had plenty time to accept what had happened plus get used to a life without having my dad around... so the sessions were a lot more helpful as you can sit and think about the advice and get things off your chest - and not sit in burning pain and confusion because its happened last month or something! I have a friend who lost both mum and dad in her 20s... she changed countries and still feels the void of course - but has been helped with meditation etc. So maybe try meditation.

I still find my self thinking about my dad... im actually now pregnant for the first time and sad that they will never even know who he was or him ever meeting a grandchild. Sad. But life is life - it sucks so bad sometimes. Again. So sorry for your loss.

@Mn345678 sorry for your loss too your right life really does suck there are no answers she was just the best human being on the planet it's so cruel.

I'm on a waiting list now but apparently it could be 6-8 weeks suppose I will see how I feel then they get in touch

@Sally2791 everyone says time is a healer but I agree how can you ever not feel this pain they are never not going to be as important to you as they are just after it's happened she's not just going to fade away from my memory I won't let her x

Just noticed some replies. Thanks everyone for sharing! And of course I'm so sorry you are in the same position.

I think counseling is the way forward for me. I feel I have to do something, as it's true what a PP said, my mum wouldn't want me to feel unhappy.

I have always struggled with talking about her to the kids. The eldest is almost 4 and the youngest 1. The eldest knows that the lady in the photo in the living room is my mum, his gran, but that's about it. I am looking forward, in a strange sense, to when they are older to understand it a bit more so that I can properly chat to them about her. She was absolutely robbed of being gran and they were robbed of having her. I just can't get over that.

@NannyPear completely understand my mum had 5 grandchildren from my other sisters but they took the piss out of her abit I think in terms of childcare and demands and me and my husband vowed it wouldn't be like that and it wouldn't of been I just wanted her to have the good bits.

I feel sad people say the baby will know about her because we will all talk about her etc but in reality I don't think it will be until she is probably in her twenties and hopefully we have a similar relationship that me and my mum had that she will understand what I lost and went through but she will never truly know my mum it's really hard x

@mrssunshinexxx no sadly the kids won't know them really for a long time. In fact, I have 1000x more appreciation for my mum now that I'm a mum myself (and I'm sad I wasn't able to express this to her), so I don't think it will be until our kids are parents themselves that they will understand what it's like to be a new parent without a parent. Being a mum without a mum is hard :( that's lovely you're having a little girl, I hope you have the same relationship that you had with your mum. I have two boys who I adore but there is that little part of me that longs for a daughter so that I can have that mother daughter relationship back in my life. I never got to do the whole wedding dress shopping/spa days with my mum thing. Perhaps I'll have a daughter-in-law to do that with though!

Oh and I understand you're past your due date now?? Baby still not budging? How are you feeling? Of course your baby will bring you happiness but it will in no way make the pain of losing your mum any easier. I can't imagine being pregnant and going through that :(

I'm so sorry, my died of a sudden stroke when I was 30 and next met my children. Was 7 years ago but still hurts every day. You are not alone. Look after yourself and counciling would be a good idea.

You never forget, but it doesn't hurt so much when you actually accept it. My mother died over 30 years ago and there are still occasions when I " talk" to her, andand I certainly miss her, but she really wouldn't have wanted me to be constantly miserable so I started thinking positively about her, what she did in her life and how that has influenced me and my lifelife and found this helped me.

@NannyPear thank you I hope you are right I really hope we that bond I'm going to work very hard on being the kind of mum mine was I couldn't fault her I was so so lucky and proud she was mine and I told her often x

@forgetthehousework but how do you accept it :(

Yep it's the accepting part in struggling with :( 7 years on and I feel like I should be getting closer to that

Just feeling exactly how you described, so came onto Mumsnet to distract my thoughts and found your post!

Ah I so understand you, your mum was very young too and that does feel so unfair.

My mum died last year, it was sudden and unexpected and she had only turned 67 10 days before, she was a very young and full of life mum who was my best friend, I feel a part of me died when she did and having young kids myself (4&7) I feel as you do.

Thank you for posting, it doesn't matter how long ago we lose our mums, it is like losing a part of ourselves. I don't think I will ever accept she's not coming back, I'll just have to accept life is just not the same without her and I'll try my hardest to be the best mum to my children, as she was to me.

I lost my dad 18 years ago- he dropped dead at the gym aged 56. I can clearly remember the time of his death but struggle to remember the time my kids were born.......

The hole and the sense of loss gets bigger every year. No amount of counselling will make it better. I think of him being far away somewhere I can't see. I still ache when it dawns on me he is no longer in this world and I will never see him again

Sorry OP I know this doesn't help you.

Hi OP, my Mum died nearly 6 years ago (unexpectedly, a month after my son was born) and I feel exactly the same. I don’t think I will ever be truly happy again and as you say there is always a cloud.

I have done cruise counselling but am no further forward with acceptance. It just seems life is so incredibly unfair.

Sorry no helpful advice, just know you are not alone in feeling this way. xx

My DM was 69 and killed in a car accident almost four years ago. My DF had already died aged 54 some years ago.
Nothing anyone said really helped. But time, for me, has made things easier. My DC miss her so much. They're teens now and I still can't talk to them about her without crying.

You ask how you accept. And my answer to that would be ' you accept because you have to. To not accept means that you can not recover and move forward.'

I'm no expert though. I lost my mum in February 2019 and then my dad 8 weeks later so it was a time of great joy

I think I've accepted it. But I'll never get over it. I think I can come to terms with it though. I've got kids (21 & 13), ive got a husband and I need to be present for them. So I tell myself I've done really well to get to this point and I want to keep moving forward. Sometimes the sadness is just overwhelming though and then I feel back to square one but then I'm OK again and so on and so forth

You sound like you have got 'stuck' in a grieving stage and need a little outside help to move forward mentally a little. So I'd advise trying to talk to someone - Cruse would be a good starting point.

I'm sorry to read your post and I'm sorry for anyone who finds themselves a member of this stupid club that nobody wants to join but ultimately we all have to at some point.

You're not alone.

I lost my Mum 8.5 years ago when she was 56 years old and I was 31. I though that I'd dealt with her prolonged illness and death at the time, but 2 years later I had an anxiety attack. Essentially, life had finally calmed down, I relaxed a little and everything that I had been unknowingly bottling up came to the surface.
It took me 2 years to climb down from the ceiling properly and self care and self-awareness is still something that I have to focus on.
The good news is: that although there will always be a 'Mum' shaped hole in my life and an endless list of things that she has missed out on, I can now look at her photos, favourite flowers and home videos and smile. I can talk about her freely and have learnt to 'accommodate her loss' in my life. I use these words as it is very much something that you learn to live alongside rather than move past.
In case it's of any use, here's a list of the many therapies that I tried during my acute 2 years of processing:
Hypnotherapy
Counselling
Bereavement Counselling with Cruse
Massage
Reflexology
Acupuncture
CBT
Chiropractor
EMDR
Meditation
I also read several books around the topic of bereavement.
I wonder if you may find a combination of relaxation techniques/therapies, bereavement counselling and something like CBT which helps to reframe things useful?
I'm so sorry that you and so many of the other posters are members of this crappy club too. Big hugs to you all x

Time is the only thing that works. The aching loss becomes a dull daily realisation.

One can be happy again though outside of that loss. It never gets 'better' it just goes to the background.