Will never feel true happiness without my mum

[NannyPear]

My mum died, aged 49, 7 years ago. I don't think I've grieved properly and there's still a lot of anger, along with a lot of sadness. I don't think I'm any further forward with accepting her death since it happened, and I can't see that changing. I have young kids now and every day is a reminder she's not here. Every happy event has a very obvious cloud over it. I can't even take a photo of my kids without thinking of how much I want to send it to my mum. The current events don't help either. I know that as soon as the lockdown rules were eased it would have been her garden I'd be sitting in, but there isn't anyone rushing to see me, or vice versa, like there would have been. Will I ever be truly happy in this life? I'm only 30, and so acutely aware of how precious life is and how it should be savoured, but can't help feeling this way.

@Griefishorrible so sorry for your loss
How did you cope with a tiny baby and grieving ?
This is what I'm so scared about baby due any day I'm overdue now she was meant to be my birthing partner :(
Just don't know how I will cope with a newborn babies are hard enough at the best of times never mind the worst

mrssunshinexxx, I am so sorry you are in this position. What a rollercoaster of emotions you must be feeling right now.

In short I didn’t cope. I breastfed as I thought if I can’t be with my son mentally at least I could physically provide for him. I did cruise counselling (was fast tracked and given one on one sessions at home) and whist they were lovely, I think it was too soon for me to get the most out of it.

Every time I went to the doctors I was offered antidepressants and I went on them after a year. Due to another family crisis I forgot to take them and decided that I didn’t want to go back on them (due to the side effects) but in hindsight I should have stayed on them for longer.

I also had a big issue with trying to split out my grief from post natal depression and had a massive issue that they had to be viewed as two separate things happening to me and couldn’t be treated or looked at as one.

A year later I was able to access counselling through my work and again I didn’t find all that useful. However last year I wanted to make a change and chose to see someone privately and although I only had 4 sessions I got a lot out of it.

I found I coped better when I finally had some time to myself (when my son went to school and I worked part time). It allowed me space to process and understand what I need to help my mental health.

My husband has been so supportive and understanding and without him I’m not sure where I would be right now (I have no other family). Do you have any siblings / close friends / relatives you can reach out to?

I find grief is such a selfish emotion. It’s hard to talk to others about it as everyone experiences and feels it so differently.

@Griefishorrible thank you for taking the time to reply so sorry you have had / are having such a rough time it is just the worst pain imaginable.
I miss her beyond words the thought of living my life longer without her than with her hurts huge amounts.
My husband is trying his best but I don't think he gets it how could he.
I feel strange towards my mil since losing my mum like spending time with her now would be a betrayal and I feel guilty but none of them understand.
I have just had my referral call from cruse this morning my first session will be in a month so I am open minded to see how that goes.
I don't think I am depressed.. yet. Just very very sad.
I am very alike my mum usually but since losing her I don't even recognise myself I'm hoping when my baby comes along I can kick back into action and cope but I am scared of the reality of what will happen if I don't
Life goes on it just won't be as good x

So sorry @mrssunshinexxx and @NannyPear but I'm not sure exactly how I accepted it, just over time it kind of happened. I did try and make a conscious effort not to think "if only Mum was here" (we shared a house after my father died, and it was very lonely going home after work each day). I tried to find some new things to do, so I wasn't being reminded of her quite so much, took a few evening classes to occupy my mind, that sort of thing. I still dream about both my parents.

My biggest regret is that neither of them met my husband (but they got their own wedding invitation anyway).

Talking to someone really can help and Cruse are lovely people.

@mrssunshinexxx I hold a lot of resentment towards my MIL as she isn’t interested in us. I still get angry that my son lost the one grandparent who was so keen to be actively involved.

Nothing you have written makes me think you don’t already doing this but self care is so important. Say yes to any help that makes your life easier or find out what you need to get you through the day and make sure you have it. If you are running on empty, you are doing yourself a disservice.

I am very honest with my husband about when I am not coping and need time to myself to fall apart. He doesn’t get it due to his relationship with his Mum, but is supportive by providing me with the time I need.

@Griefishorrible I have opposite problem mil wants to be too involved.

My husband works off shore so will be away through the week it's going to be really difficult but I hope I can manage I suppose I don't really have much choice because there's no one other than my mum or husband I would want around when I'm at my most vulnerable or would trust with the baby

@NannyPear

I'm sorry for the loss of your Mum, OP. You are far too young to have lost her and she was far too young to have gone.

You have every right to feel sad and angry, she was your Mum and you will always miss her. Life does goes go on and she would want you to be happy without her.

Do you have anyone you can talk to who has been through a similar loss at your age?

Just wanted to post as I'm in a similar position to you @mrssunshinexxx - I'm pregnant and fairly recently lost my mum. I just feel devastated.
I also feel some of the same things other posters have said, but haven't got it in me right now to say more.
Sending support to anyone in this situation

@nw80 my heart goes out to you it is the worst thing in the world x

Sorry to hear you are still hurting so much.
It truly is shit, I’m also 30 and lost my mum in 2012 so very similar timeframe to you from your previous post. I also have one son and another on the way so won’t get to replicate that mother/daughter thing which I sometimes have twinges of sadness for.

When my mum was very ill she said to me “do not let this ruin your life” and in the tricker times I have said that to myself over and over. I won’t let it! I have moments of real sadness and tears but they are few and far between these days. I think of her daily but generally try and focus on the positive bits of her and all the things I am lucky to have in my life. My son talks about grandma on the moon... and whenever we spot a butterfly we talk about how it’s grandma visiting.

It’s so tough though... feel for you and hope you can find something that helps you soon.

Same here - I’m five years and two new children post her sudden death and feel horrific still. I’ve contacted the GP for some antidepressants but I’m sure if my husband had of been more supportive I’d be in a better place with it now. She was my everything. There is a cloud like you say over every happy moment.

@Lennon80 my DP, now DH, was and continues to be terrible at supporting me through it. He has no idea what to say which translates into saying nothing at all. We were engaged at the time she became ill and died and I think if we weren't then we would have broke up.

@60spony that's so nice your son does that. How old is he? I really need to talk about her more to the kids but I just clam up when I start.

Oh mines actually told me I should be over it and compared the loss of her to things on his own life (not bereavements).

@mrssunshinexxx how are you?? Any exciting news??

@NannyPear @Lennon80 that's really sad it's so hard when they don't understand but how can they

Yes I have a baby girl she's perfect Labour was prettt awful ended in a section she's 3 days old and I'm battling on with breast feeding I will keep checking on this thread xx

Aw congratulations! Breastfeeding is so hard in those first weeks, harder than anyone tells you. But worth it in the long run as long as both you and your wee girl are ok. Lots of nipples, cuddles, TV and embracing the cluster feeding!

Lennon that's fucking awful. I'd rather DH said nothing at all than that.

Lol lots of nipple cream. Two nipples is plenty 😂