How do you deal with knowing your mum is dying?

[Allthebestusernameshavegone]

I’m totally devastated.
We found out in March that my mother had cancer. The oncologist expected a ‘favourable’ result from the treatment.
Since starting radiotherapy she’s become very well.
Kidney failure, blood clots on the lungs, sickness from the radiotherapy. She weighs barely anything now.
The oncologist phoned my dad on Monday to tell him there’s nothing more they can do. Part of the tumour isn’t responding to the treatment and she has a few weeks, maybe a few months.

I haven’t seen her since early March due to her condition and we didn’t want to risk her getting the virus. I’m going to see her today but apparently she hasn’t acknowledged that it’s terminal and hasn’t mentioned anything to my dad or sister since coming home. She’s telling the nurses and my dad that there’s no more treatment until she’s strong enough.

I have no idea how to deal with this and I’m not coping. She’s 57.
I’m going to see her later, but my sister(still lives at home) sent a picture of her last night and she looks so gaunt. The thought of watching her die and I suppose bottling it all up in breaking my heart. My children love her as do my siblings children. They’re all under 6.
I just feel like I’m not strong enough to deal with it and don’t know what to do. 😢

Sorry if it’s all a bit garbled. I’m not sleeping, my head hurts and I’m just all over the place 😢

Op- so very sorry
I lost my mum 6 weeks ago on Saturday and the pain is unbearable still, I imagine it will be like this for years which is fine.
She was 63 and had a huge bleed on the brain and didn't make it here to gone within 12 hours the shock has knocked us all sideways as soon as the stroke hit she made no sense and was not on this planet so no time for goodbyes or anything. I have often thought I wonder if it had been better if she had had cancer so we had time but the way you describe your lovely mum becoming so frail so quick would just be unbearable too there is no 'better ' way to lose someone you love. I'm not sure what to say really just didn't want you to be ignored
Sending you strength to get through this difficult time with young children and covid in the mix too it's just horrific.
I am 2 weeks off my due date with first baby who she was so excited to meet it all hurts so much x

My husband was diagnosed with cancer five weeks ago and died three weeks ago. The blood clots on the lungs were the main cause.
Go and see her today, hug her and tell her you love her. Don't mention death unless she does.
Talk to her about happy memories and even laugh with her.
You ARE strong enough to deal with this. I'm so very sorry you are facing this challenge in what is a very strange time in history

I'm so sorry for you. Don't worry about being strong enough. You are. With my mum I just took every day at a time. Spent as much time talking to her as possible. I really feel for you. It's an horrendous time.

I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through. I lost my mum to lung cancer a few years ago and she was the same age. She kept going to the doctor complaining about a lump in her armpit and they kept saying it was fluid until the specialist realised that it was cancer (as she'd had breast cancer before and she was still going for check ups). They told her it was terminal and she just asked how long she had. No tears, no emotion.

She had 8 months and in that time she had chemo and deteriorated. She stayed strong throughout as she wanted to be for all of us.

The looking gaunt is a shock to the system but I'd say to try to look past it and not show that shock and sadness in front of her. My mum didn't know what was happening and the whole thing drained her. We agreed to stay strong in front of her but be upset behind the scenes. My brother brought his daughter to see her as it cheered her up.

Nothing I can say will make this any easier and watching your mum going through is beyond any pain you could experience. The only way to cope is to do your best to be there for her, make the most of the time you have left and lean on each other as you'll all need that support.

Again, I am so sorry you're going through this as I know how difficult it is. Thinking of you all. x

it’s rubbish, awful and tough
With Covid as well doesn’t help

We lost our DM when she was 52 from a brain tumour - spend the time you can with her, listen, talk, encourage her if she wants that and be there

You’ll be stronger than you know - but it’s ok not to be ok, and it is worth thinking through what is your support network and who you can talk to

Spend time with her, ask her about family stuff, hug her, make the most of this.

My mum died last year. It was hard to see her unwell even though the hospital did do what they could to look after her. There will be a lot of things, even little things, you can do for her and they will mean so much. If she doesn't like the hospital meal bring her treats (icecream is good) she does like. Brush her hair etc.

Take a video of her saying a little message to someone who can't visit (more so that you have that of her smiling and talking, for you... But it's a plausible excuse).

Would she like to come home? Could you talk to the palliative care services about it? Mum died before she could be got home (*) but she at least knew it was being arranged which gave her something to look forward to.

I am so sorry, she is very young really.
Look after yourself.

(*) Her kidneys failed and it messed up her heart rhythm so in the end that was what took her - heart just stopped - I was quite glad because it was a very quick and merciful way to go.

Thankyou everyone for your kind words.
Just got so much I want to say but don’t know if I can because she doesn’t know that we know that she doesn’t have long.
She is home from hospital and she will have palliative care now going forward.

I’m just heartbroken 😢

I would just spend as much time as you can with her now as the pain relief may mean she won't be able to hold a conversation in a little while.

I don't think there is anyway to cope, you just have to be. It's the worst and you just have to have friends and family to support you. I'm afraid that whilst the pain lessens it still hurts many many years later.

I hope this isn't a horrible thing to say, it's not meant to be but I think it can be useful to acknowledge that grief continues long after death and it's not wrong to feel that way.

I found Cruse helpful

What Crazyvictorian said is so true. Accept that it's hard and that it's ok to feel like that and be kind to yourself. You deserve the kindness

No idea. My mum died 20 years ago and I have no idea what I did or how I coped in those last weeks. We were with her a lot, fortunately, and for a lot of the time she wasn't conscious. On her last day, I was alone with her and I told her we'd all be ok and she didn't need to fight any more. She died that night.

Spend time, know that she can hear you (whether it looks like it or not), talk about old memories, happy times and hold her hand. Sorry that you're dealing with this and it's all so much more difficult right now.

Spend time with her.

Eith the palative route she may look and feel better, she may be able to eat more.

I hesitate to write this, but it is true, I felt nothing when my mum died, mourning smeone you love is the worst feeling in the world but it is also something of a privelidge to have had that relationship.

It is heartbreaking, but it happens all the same. I don't have any advice to make it feel better, sorry. You can only live through it and try to be together where possible. If you feel you would benefit from therapy or talking to some proffesional about your ongoing feelings then don't hesitate to do so. Sometimes it helps to offload some stuff to a stranger or someone who isn't closeby or involved.

I went through similar (though not with added covid crap) about 16 months ago. It was obviously a really awful time. But I just made sure I tried to see her every day and would talk about funny times of old, like holidays and kept saying 'do you remember when' and tried to remember landmark times. It is hard, but she did enjoy those conversations which I take comfort in.

It is not pleasant at all but somehow you did just find a way.

Thanks again for all your support.
My mum has gone downhill very fast since I first posted. The first couple of times I saw her she was upbeat and chatty. I saw her Sunday and the change in her was incredible.
I can’t believe how quickly this is happening. I was hoping That we’d have a bit of time with her. After seeing her today I think it’s imminent. Few days at the most.
It’s breaking my heart. I took my children to see her today and I broke my heart knowing it would be the last time they’ll see her. They gave her cuddles and told her they loved her.
We’re still in lockdown here (Wales) but we broke it today. I took my Nan with me to see her and we sat indoors. She can barely stay awake now and she’s so very frail.
I just can’t believe this is happening 😢

I’m so sorry for what you are going through. Try to take some comfort from the knowledge that you have a strong and loving relationship. It’s so very hard to bear.

So sorry to hear this op.
I honestly hope you're ok.
life's hard sometimes xx

I am so sorry you are going through this, I lost my mum at 57 from pancreatic cancer. It happened so fast from diagnosis to the end it felt so unreal. My mum was the same mostly sleeping I just held her hand it's such a hard thing to say goodbye and hard to stay strong. Sending you a big hug ♥

Sorry things are getting worse @Allthebestusernameshavegone it really is a grim time.

I felt I had been there and sat with my mum as much as I could and you really can do no more. Your mum will be comforted by your presence. I send you loads of love and strength in these cruel times

So sorry OP, you will find the strength the you need to get through it, as awful as it is. I have lost close relations to cancer too, it is heartbreaking. Take care of yourself too. You need to rest & eat. Your mum will be well looked after by the palliative team. Handhold

@Allthebestusernameshavegone

I am so sorry OP, your Mum will be well looked after by palliative care. If you think she needs anything additional then just ask, they often have a list of medications that have already been prescribed if needed so patients don't have to wait.

There is no easy way to lose your Mum, as you only get one Mum and they are always much loved. Spend loads of time with your Mum, play her favourite music and chat to her. Towards the end, they are often asleep a lot. My Dad used to love a few bites of Mcflurry before drifting off back to sleep.

Take care xx

I've just joined here. This is my first post and first thread to visit. I have recently lost my mum, five weeks ago. I feel for you so much. It is hard, but your love for your mum, and her love for you will carry you along. My mum wanted me and my dad to be with her. She died at home, just as she wished to die. I won't go into detail, it's too raw still, but.... I really am glad I was with her. It is SO hard, but it really is a privilege to be there. I have faith, and my mum told me what she could see, and that helps. Talk and talk if it helps. Be kind and still. Quiet helps also. This is what I am finding. Listen to yourself and what you need. My mum was very string on spirit, and wanted to keep hope. Until she'd really, really had enough and wanted to go. Then three days later she did. I actually find comfort in knowing that this is somewhat happens to us all, and nobody can escape the pain and complexity of grief. This is a universal mystery. Take time. I feel for all of you. My mum was also my best friend, as well as a wonderful mum and nana. Words are not enough to express it seems. Lots of love to you.

I'm so sorry OP.

@Spiritwriter it is heartbreaking x

@Spiritwriter I’m so sorry for your loss. Hope you’re doing ok.

My mum is still hanging on. I’ve no idea how, but she’s still here. It’s heartbreaking to see her suffer like this. She hasn’t eaten anything since last Sunday and can barely move now. She’s barely drinking anything either. She’s not really saying much. The speed of the deterioration is crazy. Breaks my heart to see her like this. She’s all skin and bones and almost skeletal. Her teeth are kind of protruding, she’s sleeping with her eyes and mouth open and sometimes you don’t know whether she’s awake or sleeping.
I just can’t bare this. It’s so slow. I don’t want to lose my mum but I want it to be over now for her sake.
I just feel so sad all the time 😢