What helped you In your grief?

[pinktonicwater]

Just wondered if anyone has any useful links, or tips on ways to help someone who is grieving.

It's 6 months on since the death, but I've kept it all in and it seems to be overwhelming me now I'm allowing myself to feel. The lockdown doesn't help.

So if you can think of anything that helped you after losing someone, please share.

I'll be interested to hear what others say too. I still haven't come out of the fog, it seems unreal and I was bereaved last July. Obviously the C virus has taken precedence; I wonder if it will his me when this is all over.

I'm finding being at home and not having to engage with others (except telephone etc, sometimes), quite comforting and insulating.

Bereavement counselling sounds like it would be a good idea for you.

Hi, am bumping for you. It’s 8 months since my dad died and feel similarly. Also still feel a bit numb. The lockdown doesn’t help. My dad was in perfect health until a year ago, and then was diagnosed with a rare aggressive lung condition and died 5 months later, and we were all in a bit of denial throughout those few months thinking that if we could get him through X,Y or Z then he would be ok. I keep playing in my mind where we were a year ago with it. Weirdly with the covid situation I have found some level of acceptance knowing that he would never have survived that, and with lack of hospital visitors might have died alone, which would have been so much worse.

Sorry no answers for you

this poem has really helped me understand my grief. My dad died 8 years ago and there are still days where I am floored but fewer days than there were.

CV does seem to have brought it back... thinking about his level of risk, how he would have shopped, what food he would have bought and cooked (he was a chef). He was awful at following any instructions so I would have been really worried about him failing to manage any level of self isolation. I just really miss talking to him in the midst of anything stressful - not that he was remotely useful!!! And he has a lot of family in Italy still as well so goodness knows how/if they will make it.

The only thing that helped me was when I read something the Queen Mother said about being widowed: "it doesn't get easier but you get better at it". It came at the right time in my grief at losing my Dad over 20 years ago and it helped me when my Mum died a couple of years ago.

I tried to keep going by thinking “this is just how I feel now. In a week I may not feel like this”, and I allowed myself to cry or emote if it overwhelmed me. Even if though the next week I still felt as if I’d hit rock bottom, I’d repeat it to myself that things would get better and that I would feel better. I’m four years on from losing my husband unexpectedly and it can still catch me out. But.. the pain changes. You adapt. You can remember happy times and not cry. There still may be times when you will howl with the physical pain that grief can present as but things will get better if you “allow” yourself to grieve in whatever way is right for you. Here if you want to chat or share more.

When my dd1 died I was completely numb. I was 7 months pregnant with dd2 at the time.
At the time I took to my bed and wanted to die.
I carried on for 6 months by that time dd2 had been born.
Eventually I lost the plot and luckily I had a very supportive family and GP.
I started to see a bereavement counsellor. At first I found it very hard and upsetting to talk about dd(she died in tragic circumstances).
I had a year of counselling which did make a difference to my life for the better.
Personally I've always found visits to the cemetery help me, if I'm having a bad day I like to go and visit dd's grave I still go 2/3 times a week.
Friends who still mention dd on a regular basis helps me to know she will never be forgotten.
Its nearly 5 yrs since she died.
Sorry for your loss @pinktonicwater

In the first few months you don't expect to come to terms with a bereavement. It is hard every single day and it fills your night and days. It hurts so much because you loved them so much.
But one day, sometime in the future you will look back on the day and realise you had a good day . That day will turn into 2 and so on . Other times you will have had days, but they will become further apart . You never forget that person and eventually you can remember them with smiles ,not tears.
Life goes on , but in a different way

Bereavement counselling helped me after my elderly mum died. Just sharing with strangers who totally understood the raw moments made me feel ‘normal’ in a chaotic time. Plus my cat.

When my mum died I was 50. It helped when I reminded myself how fortunate I had been to have such a wonderful mum and to have had my mum until I was 50. She was a keen artist and it upset me that all that talent had gone and then I realised it is born in somebody else. That helped.

Just remember that there is no way you should feel. You are where you are. Every relationship is unique and every experience of grief is too.

I used bereavementuk.co.uk which was really helpful. I just needed to talk and talk and they were always there to listen. There were people there who had experienced the most extraordinary tragedy but were so open hearted and welcoming.

My dad dropped dead of a heart attack mid-sentence with a friend 5 years ago. It was totally unexpected and devastating. I was living abroad too so didn't have the family contact I would have liked.

I genuinely couldn't imagine ever being happy again, I was so sad. But it does get easier.

I find I still cry a lot but it is more tears welling up than full on crying. I find that I am generally much more emotional than I used to be.

There is a wheel of grief which you can find online. It has the "stages" of grief and all the different ways they can manifest. I found it useful to help me identify what I was feeling.

Talk as little or as much as you want and remember to be kind to yourself.

to you all and I am so sorry that you are going through this

Acceptance- accepting that your life will never be the same, accepting that it will always be with you, accepting that you need to build a new life and a new you. Realising that the future doesn’t have to be a deep dark hole and you can get the positivity back. For me there was nothing I could do to change what had happened, so for me accepting and looking forward was the way i deal with it.

Thank you @Widowodiw

I really don't know. It's been 6 weeks now and I just got to the point of having 1 day when it was easier than the previous day when all this kicked off massively and has made it worse. I haven't had any opportunity to say goodbye to him which is not helping.
I have had to make decisions about what will happen if my mother gets CV (she's in a home and is not in good health) which I never thought I'd have to make twice in six weeks, though she's not in the same situation.
I've made enquiries about bereavement counselling but the places I've asked have a long waiting list or are unaffordable or closed at the moment. My work place has access to a counselling service (though it's on hold at the moment), maybe your work place does?

Counselling helped me after my dad died in what sounds similar to @JoanieCash. With hindsight I felt I had to be strong for other family members and counselling gave me space to crumble with the added bonus of professional support.

The first 6-9 months were a blur then I felt better and then horrendous at the 1 year anniversary. After all the “firsts” things didn’t feel so raw. 2 years in and I have moments of disbelief still but overall it’s less painful.

I think grief changes you. You then learn to live with the change, even if you hate the fact that you have to.

I lost my lovely wee mum in January last year and I would honestly say it's time that helps ,I had just started to come to terms with it and was about to start grief counselling as I felt I had got stuck and didn't really know how to move forward but obviously with what's going on that is now on hold.My dad passed away on Monday just there but he was in a home with parkinsons and was existing and not really living.So the thought the my wee mum and dad are together helps me feel comfort.It breaks my heart knowing I have lost them both but as I said I take comfort knowing they are together.I unfortunately do not have a definite answer but time honestly helps you and you can in time remember them without so much pain and more with bitter sweet memories (that's the stage I feel I am at).Sending you strength.

For me it was mainly grief counselling, I honestly don't think I'd have be feeling how I am now without it.

Other things that helped me were walks with my sister and on my own, and meditation and yoga.

Just time.

I was a teenager when my mum died. A friend of hers said to me at her funeral that it would take me 2 years to get over her death. In the years after that I was so glad she'd said that too me as I knew it was totally normal not to feel okay for a really long time after a loss. I'm so sorry for yours

The thing that helped me most was to look at my dad's life as a life complete. So I stopped thinking "he is missing this". It took me several years though to come to terms though.

I found it took about 18 months before I got used to the new normal of losing my Mum. The first 6 months were just a numb rawness, physical pain almost and I’d sob myself to sleep. That eased after about 6 months.

When my second baby was stillborn, I had an 18 month old toddler at home and I got pregnant almost immediately (not planned) and didn't give myself any time or space to grieve. It was about 5 years later when physically my body just gave up - I was incredibly unwell with a chronic sinus infection and I hit the bottom. Our GP was kind and put me onto anti depressants but if anything that just made me feel numb.

DH was very supportive, told me to slow down and put myself back together again. It took me around 2 years to get there, and in hindsight, I wished I'd dealt with it at the time. Accepted that it was OK to hit the deck and stay there for as long as I needed to.

Hi OP, I have found whatsyourgrief.com to be a useful site/blog, they get grief in a way that I haven't found elsewhere.

This book is outstanding in its simplicity and uncompromising advice. It speaks to both the bereaved and those supporting them. I cannot recommend it highly enough:

www.dymocks.com.au/book/coping-with-grief-5th-edition-by-dianne-mckissock-and-mal-mckissock-9780733339578

I'm nearly four years in now, and dismiss the idea of "getting over it" in the sense of it being OK. Objectively my life looks fine, but when I think about it, it's still terrible, still so painful. Time for counselling, but the lockdown doesn't help here.

I found a widows' support group very helpful.

The thing that helped me most was to look at my dad's life as a life complete. So I stopped thinking "he is missing this". It took me several years though to come to terms though

What AJPTaylor said has given me pause for thought. I haven't consider thinking about death in this way. Very striking. Thanks for posting this.

I found throwing myself into work really helped me. I had a big project just after my mum died and the distraction gave me a different focus. My kids as well have been very grounding.

I also highly recommend the Griefcast podcast. I used to take a 30-40 minute walk into work and that was ‘my’ time.

It’s 6 months today for me and it doesn’t get any easier, you just get used to it.

I’ve been listening to the podcast unlocking us with brené brown. One of her recent episodes focuses on grief and it’s amazing. So so insightful. It might help.