What helped you In your grief?

[pinktonicwater]

Just wondered if anyone has any useful links, or tips on ways to help someone who is grieving.

It's 6 months on since the death, but I've kept it all in and it seems to be overwhelming me now I'm allowing myself to feel. The lockdown doesn't help.

So if you can think of anything that helped you after losing someone, please share.

Music helped me a lot. There’s a song by gin wigmore called my dying day which is about the person flying away and being pain free which I played over and over as my mum died of cancer and it made me feel better to think of her having escaped the pain. Having a good cry regularly. Putting something that belonged to her and was special to her in my handbag so it was with me always.

I found routine helped me in the day to day stuff after DM died. Some days, my smile felt so false that I was astounded that people couldn't see that I was totally broken. But it did get easier and the smile became more genuine.

I'm 20 years on from this now, and what gives me comfort is that when I think of DM, as I do every single day, I remember her as she was. She died in a car accident, so I didn't have to watch her deteriorate, as I did with DF. Some days, I still could cry for her at the drop of a hat. When things are difficult, I still wish she was here to guide me. I'm used to living without her now, but it does take time and the length of time it takes is different for everyone.

@echt I can't believe it's been 4 years 🌷. I got a specific colour of wool for your blanket & the balance is nestled amongst the others and I think if you often as I'm knitting /crochet. Obviously when I see you posting too. You haven't been forgotten, nor your lovely DH. I hope you can find something that helps you a little more xx

@pinktonicwater

The link @Mner2000 posted is really good.

It's very early days for you, I think the first thing you need to do is accept that and accept still deeply grieving at this stage is normal. Do whatever it takes (within the guidelines) to get through this period of lockdown, but once it's over definitely get some counselling, read some books.

My Dad died 10 years ago now and on top of other bereavements I've not really dealt with it. I'm FAR too emotional & have no emotional resilience at all. I was looking at some options earlier this year, but can't open a can of worms right now, but I'll definitely be looking into it once we are through this. Except I expect it'll have to be books/online now as good bereavement counsellors will be very busy with people dealing with
more recent losses & I wouldn't want to take a place someone recently bereaved needs. Though if I do lose a family member or friend I may well need the place just as much.

Sorry, obviously I'm very sorry you're in this position to start off with! 💐& everyone else on the thread 💐

Two resources to draw on (and a big virtual hug across the internetwaves):

The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion.

And Nora McInerney

My boyfriend of 2 years died when I was 18. It was so traumatic for me.

I didn't do grief counseling and I wish I had. I think it would have helped in hindsight.

Oh also David Kessler is doing a grief help group www.facebook.com/groups/DavidKessler/?ref=share
to everyone dealing with grief.

I think the 'answer' is somewhat influenced by who it is that you're grieving for. Where someone has died prematurely or in particularly tragic circumstances, I think there is a trauma to be dealt with in addition to the (sometimes already overwhelming) grief of dealing with the loss. My recommendation would be to speak to or access resources designed for people who have been through the same 'type' of loss as you. When my brother died suddenly in his teens, the experience of losing a sibling was very different from my parents' experience of losing a child. There is a charity dealing with sudden adult cardiac death which had some resources written by mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, sons, daughters etc. of people that had died - reading these were really helpful for all of us.

It has been many years since it happened. Still does not get any easier however. I was very little only five years old at the time. I used to keep a diary of my feelings. Every year I like to light a candle for her at Christmas and on her birthday too.
Distraction helped me the most. I coped with the grief best when I stopped thinking about it so much honestly. Some people plant a rose in their garden or donate a bench in honor of their loved ones who passed away. Will that help or not? You could always request a referral to professional counselling or therapy if that helps. In some areas you can even visit a grief support group at your local church etc. Everyone deals with loss individually. Find a helpful coping technique or strategy that works for you.
This article on grief also helped somewhat www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm

@echt I can't believe it's been 4 years 🌷. I got a specific colour of wool for your blanket & the balance is nestled amongst the others and I think if you often as I'm knitting /crochet

How lovely to make this connection, Chippingin. Could you describe the square you made? I'll take a pic and send it to you. The whole blanket lies across the back of my sofa.

DH died two years ago. A lot of what has helped me has been very personal. I think it's fair to say I've been selfish and have done what pleases me, and luckily things that have felt good have mostly been right for me.

Top three things have been exercise (particularly long walks of 10-18 miles), counselling followed by therapy, and sensory experiences. I have spent a lot in the past on massage, and also prioritise listening to music and looking at art. By exploring radio shows that are new to me I've had some amazing times falling for bands I'd never previously listened to. I've been very sparing in my theatre-going, I've always loved plays but the few I have been to since DH died have hit me almost unbearably hard. I value those experiences but in one case it took me several weeks to really process what I'd seen (it was Macbeth, and it was astounding).

I've been extremely cautious about what I've read and watched on telly as both have been intense for me - carefully chosen nonfiction has been much more manageable than fiction. In my own case I've also had sexual experiences which have done a lot for me, but that really is very individual and I wouldn't recommend it for others unless you know it's right for you.

I lost my husband suddenly a few months after my father died. My children were small. Because of them (and because I am quite practical in nature) I had to get up each day and get them to school and carry on. That helped. It was a miserable time and I was just about coping, and I had the dreadful task of moving us to a more affordable house, having to pack up all my husbands things and leave the home we had brought our kids to. But all that work and organising and keeping it together for the kids helped me get through the first few months.
So basically: keep busy. Let yourself have moments to grieve but don't wallow. Time will pass, and it does get easier.

These are things that helped me massively.

1. Planning my day, in detail in the early days. I couldn't function and just wanted to sleep (die) and not think about anything. I knew I had to try and get back to a semblance of normality. I would put every action on it, brush teeth, eat a banana, drink tea, talk for 5 minutes to husband, brush hair...you get the idea. Ticking things off helped to visually see that some days I could get back to a functioning person and that I had achieved something.
2. I planned time/s each day to feel sad/let the emotion out, in a comfortable and safe place (my bath). I found that knowing I had a release planned meant I could cope with things until then. It reduced my public meltdowns greatly. As time has moved on I needed less scheduled sad time a day. 5 years later, I still have scheduled sad time each week. I have noticed last year or so that I also use this time to think of happier times and more for reflection about the situation, which is a huge step.
3. I accept that my life is forever changed and also accept that I am not as emotionally resilient as before. I need to put more time into eating and sleeping properly and managing my feelings. My SIL told me that her counsellor says we all have an emotional bucket that stress drips into. I like this image. I feel my bucket is always about 80 percent full on any day, so I am careful to manage my reactions and thoughts.

I try to be kind to myself and others and I am not too hard on myself when I have bad days... which I do l.