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Original poster

To not go see him at the chapel of rest..

36 replies

CD14 · 25/02/2020 16:21

Hi all, I’ve lost my grandad this week.. I seen him just after he died at the hospital. A few months ago he was as fit as a fiddle. He had been poorly but it was still an unexpected death. I didn’t make it to the hospital in time but I seen him just after he passed and kissed him.

This is the first time I’ve lost someone close to me and had to use this section of mumsnet 😭

He’s still at the hospital awaiting a post mortem and not at the funeral home yet but when he is my family are going to see him.

I don’t think I want to. I don’t want it to be my last memory.

They aren’t making me go but I feel like if I don’t I might regret it down the line.

At the moment I am certain I don’t want to and can’t see my mind changing.. I just don’t think I can deal with seeing him days after his death. He was still warm when I seen him at the hospital 😭

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 25/02/2020 16:36

I'm sorry for your loss. No one can know how anyone else will feel, but it's fine to decide not to go. You have thought about it, and made a choice that makes sense to you. That's fine.

GymSloth · 25/02/2020 16:38

I think you are right not to go. It's such a personal thing. When my dad died I went to see him, because his death was so sudden. I almost had to see him to believe it. I partly regret it now though and I'm not sure I would want to go in a similar situation again.

In your case you've already seen him. And it's the memories of our loved ones when they were alive that are the most important.

TheMerryWidow1 · 25/02/2020 16:39

If you don't want to go then don't, it really is a personal preference thing and no one should push you to do it. sorry for our loss of your grandad.

BornInAThunderstorm · 25/02/2020 16:41

You can only decide for yourself. I went to see a close relative who passed recently and I think it did give me a bit of reassurance to see they were definitely “gone” and helped with the process, but at the same time I do have that memory of them now and I suppose it can overshadow your memory of how they were when alive. I’m sorry if this doesn’t really help you decide but at least you will expect it in advance

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 25/02/2020 16:43

Think about you, do you want to see him for one last goodbye, or remember him as he was? Let the family do whats right for them. I was s wept along with the family to see my Dad when I didnt want to. I was angry for ages and wished I hadnt done it. Was rude to my sister as I felt railroaded

Purplewithred · 25/02/2020 16:44

We are all different, but from my personal perspective I would say if you don't want to go then don't go. It took a long time for me to forget my last sight of my mum's body after her death and remember her as the funny, vibrant, intelligent woman she was.

ContessaferJones · 25/02/2020 16:45

I'm sorry for your loss OP. I saw my mother and grandmother in the Chapel of rest and didn't get anything from the experience at all; I thought they looked like weird waxworks, not my relatives. If you don't feel like you want to go, then don't. It's OK to say that you'd prefer to remember him as he was when he was alive.

ItsJustTheOneSwanActually · 25/02/2020 16:46

I wasn't sure whether to see Dad or not. I did in the end but i wish i hadn't Sad
Flowers for you OP

Northernsoullover · 25/02/2020 16:48

My parents went to see my Gran in the chapel of rest and they wished they hadn't. They have been quite explicit that when the time comes that there is to be no viewing.

GymSloth · 25/02/2020 16:50

Meant to say sorry for your loss.
Be kind to yourself.

Paperdolly · 25/02/2020 16:52

I saw MIL and have regretted it. I wanted to say thank you for her kindness over the years but I wish I had written a note to put into her coffin instead. It didn’t seem like her when I saw her the day after she had passed.

I’m sorry for your loss. 💐

SallyWD · 25/02/2020 16:55

I never saw any of my relatives after they died. I knew the image would haunt me. I've never regretted it. I'm so sorry for your loss.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 25/02/2020 16:55

I didn't go to see DH, I was with him when he died and refused to let go of his hand for over 2 hours, but when I left him in the hospital that was it, he didn't look like himself then so I definitely didn't want to see him in the coffin. My sister in law visited DH at the chapel of rest and found it comforting though. I saw MIL because she had an open casket in FIL's front room, I didn't know this and was taken in to see her by FIL - if he had given me the choice i would have said no. It is a very personal decision.

user1493413286 · 25/02/2020 16:56

I saw my dad immediately after he died and at the chapel of rest; I wouldn’t say I regret seeing him at the chapel of rest but I would say it didn’t really add anything and I doubt I’d see someone again there if I’d already seen them. For me he didn’t look like my dad any more whereas when I saw him immediately after he looked at peace in a different way.

Roselilly36 · 25/02/2020 16:59

So sorry for your loss Flowers Do what’s right for you.

Finfintytint · 25/02/2020 17:01

Everyone is different. I was there there when my mum died in hospital. I had no need to see her again as I’d said my goodbyes.
My brother wanted to see mum again at the funeral home and I think it helped him come to terms with what had happened at the hospital.

LondonMrsA · 25/02/2020 17:05

You must do whatever feels right for you.

HopeYouStepOnALego · 25/02/2020 17:08

I'm very sorry for your loss OP. You saw your GD just after he died and said goodbye at the hospital, so there's really no need to see him at the funeral home if you don't want to. I went to see my dad in the chapel, only to accompany my mum, but I wish I hadn't. Seeing him lying in his coffin was not what I wanted for my last memory, and his physical condition had changed. It's a personal choice, but my recommendation would be to not go.

TheFaerieQueene · 25/02/2020 17:08

Do what is best for you OP. I was with my DF when he died last year. I didn’t go and see he afterwards as it wasn’t him anymore. I said my goodbyes during his last days and hours.

💐

DoTheNextRightThing · 25/02/2020 17:13

Everyone is different OP. Personally, I'm quite like this. I didn’t go see my Grandpa at the chapel of rest either. I didn’t get to "say goodbye" but it meant my final memory was him at home, very much alive. Same with my dog actually. I couldn't bear to be there for the injection, so I didn’t go through with them. I wanted to remember him as he was.

It's up to you, OP. I don't regret either decision.

Ladyinamask · 25/02/2020 17:16

You have seen him so in your shoes no I wouldn’t go.
I went to see my dad at the undertakers with my mum because she wanted to and I felt I had to support her. We had both been present when he had died but she wanted to go and check in him.
I honestly wish I hadn’t I now have a memory of him in a coffin that I really don’t want or need. I want to remember my dad alive not dead.
My dad died 18 years ago btw it was fast and traumatic and I was Young. But no I wouldn’t do it again. HTH x

Whatsnewpussyhat · 25/02/2020 17:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RB68 · 25/02/2020 17:27

My Mum died in November and we were all with her at the time and took turns sitting with her whilst awaiting the FD. For me this was enough and watching her leave the house and telling her to fly free. Other members of the family did go and see her some more than once. I just didn't want to as to me she wasn't there. I have not regretted it yet and we are 4 months down the line.

Gin4thewin · 25/02/2020 17:28

Having seen a number of people that have died, id not recommend it. Remember him as he was before passing

Pashazade · 25/02/2020 17:32

I was only 14 when my mum died, my Dad gave me the option to go and see her I chose not to. I've never really regretted it, I'd rather remember her as she was. But whatever you decide is right for you, don't feel obliged to go for anyone else, your memories, your choice. 💐