To not go see him at the chapel of rest..

[CD14]

Hi all, I’ve lost my grandad this week.. I seen him just after he died at the hospital. A few months ago he was as fit as a fiddle. He had been poorly but it was still an unexpected death. I didn’t make it to the hospital in time but I seen him just after he passed and kissed him.

This is the first time I’ve lost someone close to me and had to use this section of mumsnet 😭

He’s still at the hospital awaiting a post mortem and not at the funeral home yet but when he is my family are going to see him.

I don’t think I want to. I don’t want it to be my last memory.

They aren’t making me go but I feel like if I don’t I might regret it down the line.

At the moment I am certain I don’t want to and can’t see my mind changing.. I just don’t think I can deal with seeing him days after his death. He was still warm when I seen him at the hospital 😭

No don't go. You saw him alive which was the most important. You were there for him when he needed you. You already said goodbye after he passed. No need to go again. (Unless you choose to).

I didn't go & see either my Grandad or Mum in the Chapel of Rest, I didn't want that memory & to me, their body isn't 'them' iyswim? The bit that was them has passed. Have never regretted it.

I've not been to see anyone and I've never regretted it. I've heard both positive and negatives from people who have.

I'm sorry for your loss. I would trust instincts in this situation. It sounds as though you have probably already said your goodbyes, at the hospital?

My FIL died last year, it was very sudden but DH did get to the hospital in time to be with him when he passed. He had said his goodbyes before he left the hospital and so felt no need to view the body at the chapel of rest. I hadn't had that opportunity to say goodbye, nor had DS, and in the end DH came with us to the funeral directors so he could support DS. FWIW seeing his dad's body again didn't change anything for better or worse, I don't think - in that he'd already said his own goodbyes, but seeing his dad in the coffin didn't colour the memories in a way he regrets either.

Like your grandad, there was quite a long delay before FIL's body was released by the hospital, because of the sudden death. He had a green funeral so no embalming, and the funeral directors did a very sensitive job when preparing his body for viewing. He looked like himself but just very obviously without the life that made him himself, if that makes sense. The funeral directors were also very mindful that we were bringing a young child, briefed us on the condition of the body and were very professional about advising on whether FIL was fit to be seen (which he was). I have viewed bodies previously which haven't been so sensitively prepared, particularly after embalming. If seeing your grandad looking very different is a worry, it may help to have a frank conversation with the funeral directors and with other family members once they have visited the chapel of rest, before you decide.

I don't think you should feel swayed one way or another by other family members' decisions on whether to visit the chapel of rest. Everyone grieves in their own way.

I have done it and regretted it. After that I have always declined.

Do what you feel YOU need to do. You saw him when he had died, though, and in my experience I found this ...not a comfort exactly, but helpful. I didn't want to visit again at the funeral home though. My mum did go to see my dad and actually found it rather distressing, he looked much less like 'him'.

I know this is an old thread but for me going to the chapel of rest brought a great comfort. My dad looked almost serene - better than he had done in years. Seeing him brought so much comfort, as none of us were sadly there when he passed. My son (25) wasn’t sure if to come in but he came anyway and I said I’d go in first and let him know if I thought he would regret it or not. We put some photos in and I gave my dad a kiss. Something I really wanted to do. Yes he didn’t look like a living person but he still very much looked liked him. I know that’s not always the case, seeing my nan age 14 was a bad experience and I vowed never to go again. My mum, my son and I all had the same feeling, that we really benefited from seeing him, we could see he was at peace and it brought me great comfort. My brother chose not to go, even after I said how good he looked, but that’s fine, not for everyone and no-one should feel bad for the choice they make. I never planned on doing this and I’m sure some people might think it strange, but I took a photo of my dads coffin lid and then decided to take a photo of him. No-one has ever seen it, and they never will, but in the months after his death I looked at it a lot, and it brought me a lot of comfort. We all grief differently and I’m sure some might be horrified at that, but for me it was comforting. I think I’ll always chose to see a loved one for a final goodbye unless I was advised against it.

Do what you feel is best for you, there is no right and wrong.

My experience when my grandad died, I didn't want to see him. I loved him more than life itself and he died very suddenly at 65. My DM went to see him first and said he looked wonderful, but I still didn't want that image. Plus I felt like my grandad would have been miffed that I'd seen him without his teeth in . Never regretted it.

When my Nan died, again I went to the chapel with my mum and she went in first to scope the situation out, and nearly ran through the wall opposite the coffin. Nan wasn't looking her best and my DM refused to let me into the room, not that I'd have gone in after seeing her reaction (I was sat in a chair facing the door, nans coffin was round a corner so I couldn't see her).

My DM went back a second time and spruced nans hair up a bit and did her eyebrows properly (Nan liked her eyebrows a certain way), she also took nans fingerprint moulds.

Although my Nan looked very different, my DM still doesn't regret going because she feels like my Nan would have done the same for her. For my DM it was the fact she had spent so much time with her dad in the chapel, she felt it would be unfair not to do the same for her mum. Not that my Nan would have give a shit but DM did.

As a PP has said, a frank discussion with the FD is a very good idea, or ask somebody who has gone to visit before you whether they think it's a good idea

Same as @justoneswan. I went because it seemed like the thing to do and that I would regret it but I wish I bloody hadn't. I hated it.

@Darbs76 we all take comfort in different ways, I'm sure you're not the first (nor the last) xxxx

I'm going against the grain, I viewed my Dad several times in the chapel (even though we were all with him when he passed) The first viewing was a shock I admit, but I wanted to spend as much time with him/his body. On the morning of his funeral, I called in before they closed the coffin and popped in some photos for him. I didn't regret it at all.

I'm going this afternoon to see my Mum in the chapel (same FD) she passed away 7th March, again my brother and me were present... Funeral (if you can call it that currently is next week)

I'll do the same too for Mum, call in that morning and pop photos in with her.

There is no right or wrong, and its a deeply deeply personal choice.

If you chose to go, just be aware the person may not look as you would like/remember them.

Thoughts to everyone going through this

I am a retired nurse and saw many people pass away.After they die they are not the same, the body is an empty shell, as the soul has gone and that is what the person was if you see what I mean.
Because of this I never wanted to see close relatives and friends after death I wanted to remember them as they were before
My husband died just after last Christmas after a long illness.I stayed with him in his hospital room after I was told nothing more could be done.He lasted a week in a semi conscious state with pain relief to keep him comfortable.My son, granddaughter and my self were all with him when he passed.We spent some time with him then left the hospital.
aAfter I had made all the preliminary arrangements I told the undertaker I did not want to see him in the chapel of rest.This is what I planned to do when his time came.I have told my family when I go they can view me if they wish that is up to them but I would rather they did not.
I am aware that to some it brings comfort.
I was with my mother when she died, I stayed for about half an hour then left her body saying I don't wish to see her again.Various family members went to see her at the undertakers before the funeral.It was the same when my father passed, also I remember when my grandparents died I had no wish to view their bodies despite the great love I had for them, as they had played a great part in giving me a happy childhood.
It is a personal thing and up to the individual.
I keep a photo of my husband on the mantelpiece beside his coffee cup.There is a rosary beside it although he was not a church goer, it all brings me comfort.He is still with us if not in body.