My mother's still born baby 60 yrs ago

[Fivetillmidnight]

I love genealogy. As does my 81 year old mother.

I have always k own about my still born brother. My mum mentions 'it '(as in the event not her child as 'it') every now and then.. she is a typical 'stiff upper lip ' type. She just got on with it as she recounts .. had another and another and one more... but even now, she mentions the event in passing.. (how could she not) ?

Anyway because of the love we have of genealogy, I have found his resting place. ... should I tell her ?

Does she not know already? I'm also in awe that you have found it as it's not very often recorded. Is the resting place somewhere thats not so good like with someone else or unconsecrated ground which would be upsetting?

Surely she knows?

In the past people were not often encouraged to hold, interact or know where their stillborn babies were.

I think I would tell her, I’m not sure how you would tell her. SANDS are quite good at this.

I think quite often stillborn babies were just taken away from the mothers. Not even sure if they would have got to hold there babies if they were stillborn.
I would tell her OP.

I would tell her too. Would you be able to go there and take flowers ?

Why don’t you say that you think you might be able to find out where he is - would she like you to find out... It might be easier for her to deal with that way...

There was something on today’s news about long-lost stillborn babies, www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.bbc.co.uk/news/amp/education-51271977
Maybe this would be away to start talking about this with your DM?
Unfortunately it was very much the attitude before the 1970-80’s that ‘least said, soonest mended’ and often bereaved mothers/parents were not told where the babies were buried. With late in pregnancy (up to 28 weeks) there was no death very or need for a funeral.

There was a section of Radio 4 around 5.25 tonight on the subject of stillborn births in the past. It was very sad to hear mothers talk of their loss. If you are able to listen to it, it might help you to start a conversation with your mother round the whole subject and you could see how receptive she might be.

No death cert*

Cross post

Mner's suggestion is really good.

Ask her if she would like to know because you might be able to find out and take it from there. You need to be careful because she may feel guilt that she hasn't tried to find it herself or she may in fact know but hasn't ever acted on it. Very complex memories.
There is a website called stillbirth stories that is an archive of people's memories of still birth. It might help you to hear what some other women went through, it includes at least one story from decades ago. The husband never spoke about their lost child but admits he thought about him every time he mowed the grass :(

It was common practice back then to remove stillborn babies pretty much immediately after birth. Very often mothers didn't even get to see never mind hold their babies. And they certainly were not told where they were put to rest. It's a world away from how the situation is handled now where mums and dads are encouraged to hold their children and make memories. I have my daughters ashes at home with me. It was a quite literally a different world back then.

I would tell her and give her the option to visit, offer to go with her. She may choose not to go, which is ok, maybe knowing that he has a resting place will be enough for her. Just keep hold of the information should she change her mind.

*he has was supposed to be they have.

Why don’t you say that you think you might be able to find out where he is - would she like you to find out... It might be easier for her to deal with that way...

I think this sounds like a gentle way to introduce the idea rather than telling her out of the blue you already know. This way she can feel in control.

My mother had a still birth in the mid 70s and has never spoken about it. I was primary school age and my only memory is of the tiny coffin.

I didn't even know my brother's name until i plucked up the courage to ask her a couple of years ago when she was going in for a major op and i was worried i'd lose her. It's not something she wants to talk about but i guess if your mum talks about your brother in passing she might be more open.

I know the graveyard my brother is in but it's an unmarked grave so finding the exact location might be tricky.

Not exactly an answer to your question op but you might find this useful:

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/sep/15/annalisa-barbieri-problem-solved-grieving-baby?INTCMP=SRCH

I have an uncle who was either stillborn or died shortly after birth (he does not have a birth certificate), around 80 years ago.

Nobody still alive knows where he was born. Nobody knows where he is buried. I think all of us would, unspoken and never discussed, like to know. I think my grandmother would have done, had it been possible.

I think I will mention it. The resting place is our local cemetery. But a multi grave. .. awww I don't know, !!! Does she want to 'open that all up again' or 'just leave it be'... ? My step dad is lovely .. (lost my own when I was 13 .. they have been married for 30 years.. what do you think about sounding him out on it ? Bear in mind they are VERY stiff upper lip types... arghhhh

My baby died 18 months ago and I've met many bereaved mothers since... many who had stillborns. Every single one handles it differently.
Maybe your mum doesn't want to know?
Has she ever suggested she might want to know?
Maybe she's 'better' in ignorant bliss?
It's a tough one.
Ask yourself why she would wAnt to know. Only you know what your mum May want. Just be mindful that this could make things very raw for her. X

My baby died a couple of years ago and I am sure she would like to know, even if just to know that he has been buried and she might take comfort from it being a multi grave (as in he has company and isn’t there alone).

I agree about saying to her that you might be able to find out where he is buried and ask her if she would like you to do so. Then take it from there. I’d go direct to her though and not through your stepfather.

How about telling her you have discovered your local cemetary has a place where some little ones were buried and you're thinking of taking some flowers there in memory of all of them on your brother's birthday. (Unless that would be an utterly weird thing for you to do).

It would give her a chance to say something deflecting and non committal or say yes, good idea, I wonder where our little one's resting place is.

Does this make any sense?

My mother had one about 70 years ago. Like your mother she was very stoic about it, and just said " well I just got on with it". But she must have at least looked at the baby, because she told us it was a girl with "lovely red hair like my sister".

Mum is gone now, but in the same situation I'd be careful about bringing the subject up. Maybe do what Neome suggested and talk around the subject, see what she says.

This has made me feel quite sad. I lost my DM 3.5 months ago.
A similar situation. She had a DS who lived a matter of hours, 60 years ago but he has a grave and we have always known that DM's wishes were to be cremated and the ashes placed in the baby's grave.

A few years ago, a cousin restored the baby's grave and it looks beautiful. Mum had a plaque made for it with his name, DOB and the inscription Forever in my heart, love Mum"'

We have had a similar plaque made with Mum's details .

I would tell DM because it will bring closure to her. Even though she doesn't talk about it, I think she would be like my DM and keep him close to her heart.

The tears are flowing as I write this as I miss my DM dreadfully.

I would tell her, and then she can make her own choice about what to do next.
I wouldn’t feel right keeping something like this from my Mum.