My mother's still born baby 60 yrs ago

[Fivetillmidnight]

I love genealogy. As does my 81 year old mother.

I have always k own about my still born brother. My mum mentions 'it '(as in the event not her child as 'it') every now and then.. she is a typical 'stiff upper lip ' type. She just got on with it as she recounts .. had another and another and one more... but even now, she mentions the event in passing.. (how could she not) ?

Anyway because of the love we have of genealogy, I have found his resting place. ... should I tell her ?

@Fivetillmidnight

Can I ask what you decided to do? I find myself in the exact same predicament, except the loss has never really been directly spoken about with me. I know from my elder sister and from my own family history research.

I was going to keep quiet but after reading your post and more info online, I now see that she almost certainly does not know the baby's final resting place and like @SirVixofVixHall said, it feels wrong to keep that to myself in case it would bring some comfort.

I wonder if the op will update. Im going to repeat what u said a year ago, tell her you might be able to find it out and see how she reacts. If she doesn't want the knowledge that gives her an out. If you tell her you've found it there's no out. This is very delicate territory.
When she wants to know or not you can go and mourn your sibling. It doesn't matter that you never knew them, you are their tribe and you can grieve for the loss.

Sorry whether she wants to know not when

Thank you, @allTrumplosttheelection. It really is a delicate situation. But I will definitely be paying my own respects when Covid finally allows life to get back to normal again.

My nan told me she had a still born child, talked about the loss often- I'd tell her

Such a sad and painful thing to have discovered, but I think to know is always better than to not know, and that having knowledge important to another person, that they don’t have, puts a little gap between you.
In this specific situation , as mothers I think we all would want to know, however painful it might be. You could visit there and lay flowers if she wanted to do that.

Does your Mom know your researching your family history and her baby being part of that research?

Could you perhaps ask her if she'd like you to try and find out as part of your research then in a few weeks tell her you have and ask if she wants to know?

She knows, yes. But not that I know anything at all about this. The thing is that I am rubbish at lying, even white lies, so it would need to be the whole truth or nothing I think.

I would go for the whole truth. The thought of a woman going her whole life and never knowing where her baby is buried seems utterly tragic to me.

You know your mum best - in my experience, people’s reaction to still birth is very different. My friend lost her baby a couple of years ago and was adamant that she didn’t want to see or know anything about it - and hugely resented all the (undoubtedly well meaning) pressure to “make memories”. That was her way of coping with it and she needed that to be respected. In your shoes, I’d sound out your mum carefully if you’re not sure how she feels about it,

Thanks, everyone.