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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Flip

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Original poster

Sad news...Friend's Stillbirth

58 replies

zebra · 01/10/2004 13:13

Just heard that some1 we know, her baby was stillborn last night. A "beautiful little girl". Almost 41 wks... no probs in pregnancy except a blood pressure scare a few weeks ago. About causes I've only heard something about the umbilical cord... she knew there was no heartbeat before giving birth. Her older children r close 2 mine in age. She had a late miscarriage (17 wks) last year, too.

I feel so sad for them... and guilty that I've been resenting my own children of late.

Just wanted 2 say something somewhere...
if only 2 remind me 2 hug my own children tight today.

OP posts:

aloha · 01/10/2004 15:09

It happened to one of my close friends with her first baby. Awful. She was in touch with SANDS for a long time afterwards and even worked as a counsellor for them. At the time I didn't have my son and never fully realised the horror of it. She now has three more children. She found SANDS very helpful. Also - and I hope this doesn't sound trivial - she went on a long holiday to India afterwards to get away from everything that she said was quite healing.

aloha · 01/10/2004 15:11

And definitely send a card or an email to say how sorry you are that their baby died. From people I have talked to who have suffered this, people ignoring it or using euphemistic language is incredibly upsetting. One woman said it was as if a/people were pretending nothing happened, and b/as if their baby didn't matter. She really valued every single message.

cazzybabs · 01/10/2004 15:21

This has made me very sad.

puddle · 01/10/2004 15:26

That's so sad Zebra. Please do send a card or a note. My friend whose baby died really appreciated all the cards she got - it took her a while to be able to read them tho. She also appreciated people who didn;t intrude but made it clear they would be there when she was ready to talk. Womba and Marina - so sorry for your loss too.

tabitha · 01/10/2004 15:58

zebra,

this happened to a neighbour of mine earlier this year and it was absolutely heartbreaking. Her son was due about a month after my daughter was born and I phoned her up (we had moved house during my pregnancy) only to find that he had been stillborn three weeks before.
Stupidly, I just didn't think that things like this happened nowadays.
I wish I had sent a card but because it was after the funeral and everything, dh thought we shouldn't in case it made things worse. Wish I had now.

Skate · 01/10/2004 16:12

This is so sad and really puts your own problems/stresses into perspective doesn't it.

This is also happened to a friend of mine. It was a few days after her due date when she just woke up one morning and realised her usually active baby wasn't so wriggly. She tried everything to make her move and eventually went into hospital where they found she had died. Of course labour was induced then. I think she had become tangled in the cord too.

Can you imagine going into labour at term knowing your baby was not alive. It's awful and so, so sad. Think I'll go and cuddle my 3 now.

marthamoo · 01/10/2004 16:58

How very, very sad My thoughts are with your friend - and you, it will hit you hard too.

Bunglie · 01/10/2004 17:01

Oh this really does put your own problems in perspective....
Love and my prayers to them.

Barbaloot · 01/10/2004 22:53

my first baby was stillborn at term 13 years ago. There was never any reason found, but I was always excessively cautious and anxious in my subsequent pregnancies. Definitely send a card, it shows you care even if you can't (thankfully) fully understand. It's not quite as rare as you think - lots of people I would never have known about came and told of similar things that had happened to them.

jampot · 01/10/2004 23:00

my parents'first child was still born at 8 months on Christmas Eve - mum had been suffering from toxaemia for several weeks apparently but was undiagnosed. She always hated Christmas but only in the last 10 years we found out why. Feel very sad about your friend and her family and everyone else who has suffered like this - you really don't think of it happening these days

JanH · 01/10/2004 23:06

I guess it can happen any time...I know that with mine I was always anxious for the first 3 months, then OK, then got anxious again for the last few weeks...

So sad for your friend, zebra, and her beautiful little girl - and for everyone else anything like this has happened to.

CountessDracula · 02/10/2004 00:17

Zebra how awful This happened to my mum with her first baby, my elder brother. Her placenta effectively disintegrated. I can't imagine how devastating that is.

My dad bought her a big humpty dumpty called Henry (that was not the baby's name btw), I have alway thought of him as my big brother and every year my mum says "Henry is xx this year" (would have been 40 this year). He lives in her bedroom and I think has helped her a lot.

PuffTheMagicDragon · 02/10/2004 00:23

Have kept coming back to this thread, trying to write something meaningful, but things like this just make your heart hurt.

unicorn · 02/10/2004 00:25

What can I add?
Nothing really, I have no idea why these things happen..

I send my deepest sympathies to anyone who has had to endure anything like this.

nightowl · 02/10/2004 00:47

dont know what to say...its just awful

myermay · 04/10/2004 21:07

Message withdrawn

womba1 · 04/10/2004 21:18

Myermay....i for one have never come to terms with giving birth to my stillborn ds. You learn to cope with it and deal with it as best you can. And the hardest thing is when other people don't want to mention it for fear of upsetting you..it makes you feel that your child didn't exist.
Losing a child at any time is tragic and i want to send lots of love and warm wishes to anyone who has had to endure the pain.....it does get easier, Womba x

808state · 16/10/2004 12:42

Hi Zebra,

Would like to tell you of my experience.

My best friend's first child (a daughter) was stillborn at full term just over two years ago. I have grieved with her since that day and can put my grief back in its heart shaped box - she of course cannot do that. Many emotions are expressed; disbelief, shock, anger, fear to name but four and at all different times; you run the whole gamut of emotions. This child needs to be acknowledged; any support or practical help you can give will be invaluable to her. Longterm support is also needed; not just in the short term.

People should not forget the husband/partner either; he is also suffering.

We have both found SANDS to be helpful. Their website address is www.uk-sands.org.uk.

nickiey · 16/10/2004 13:07

Please send your friend a message, My daughter was Stillborn in 2001 and I have kept every single card and message of goodwill we were sent. We still sit down from time to time to read them, look at her pictures and so on, we also kept the blanket she was wrapped in at birth-Tangible evidence for us to keep her real.

Thoughts are with you and your friend at this most dreadful of times.

Original poster

zebra · 16/10/2004 13:27

But Womba, how could I mention it to her or her DH without it upsetting them? Don't want to ignore, but don't want to provoke them into emotions they may not want to express in front of me. So hard.
Seems the umbilical cord had a knot in it... they named her Poppy. Funeral was 2 days ago.

OP posts:

womba1 · 16/10/2004 13:47

Zebra...to be honest it's a case of, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't!
I'm not saying that you should just start talking about Poppy..but if they mention her in your presence, you could just ask what she looked like etc... Yes it will upset them but believe me, the mere fact that you are showing interest in their beloved daughter will mean a hell of alot to them.
I was at a family gathering shortly after i lost James and my SIL announced she was pregnant. I waa delighted for her and my brother, but got upset when people starting telling her to SSHHH for fear of upsetting me...telling her i didn't need to be reminded of my loss.
It's such a difficult situation, and in a kind of way, more so for outsiders..

808state · 17/10/2004 09:48

Hi Zebra,

This is a situation I have also faced; my friend needed to talk about their stillborn daughter.

This child needs to be acknowledged. They are going to be grieving anyway, your talking to them about their daughter won't make things any worse than it could possibly be. It may well help them - and it will help you face your own sadness at hearing about her death. Believe you me it is at times like this that they will find out who their friends really are.

My friend was not allowed to attend her own daughter's funeral (cultural reasons); something I find difficult to contemplate even now.

My friend's daughter also had a knot in her cord. It is not fully understood why such a thing happens.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your friends.
Would also suggest you look at SANDS website.

Aero · 17/10/2004 10:53

V sorry to hear this zebra. Thinking of your friend and her family.

Flip · 17/10/2004 12:36

My friends baby was stillborn earlier this year. We were both pregnant at the same time and I'd given birth to my ds2 only three months before her died.

I called her up and she couldn't speak. So I just said that I wanted her to know I was thinking of her and when she wanted to talk to just pick up the phone. She did a week later and we talked for over an hour. I asked about her precious little boy and she told me everything about him. She had a hard time just being able to leave the house and I supported her by saying that if she got up one morning and decided she wanted to go for a coffee, to give me a call. We worked together and I was on maternity leave but I did a couple of days for three weeks to cover in the office. She called me one night and said she wanted to come back to work the following week but I said if she'd taken the decision, it should be tomorrow while I was there. I didn't avoid talking about the baby and I'm glad I was there for her.

Pick up the phone and let them know you're thinking of them. Say you know they won't walk to talk, you just wanted them to know they were in your thoughts.

womba1 · 17/10/2004 14:00

Flip, you sound exactly the kind of friend i wish i'd had when i lost my ds. My best friend didn't contact me for almost 3 weeks because she didn't know what to say to me! Just knowing she was around would have been enough at that time.

Flip

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