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Original poster

about to give birth and my mother is terminally ill

28 replies

sophus · 28/08/2007 17:29

I am 39 weeks and recently found out that my mum is dying of end stage liver disease. she came out of hospital 10 days ago having made good physical progress. Unfortunately she has suffered some neurological damage and is now quite confused. We have been told she has about 6 months to live.
It would take the world's longest post to describe all the emotions and conflicts i am going through. The physical deterioration we see in her is in retrospect the easiest to deal with, but "losing" her sharp presence in my life at a time when i really need my mum is more than i can bear to deal with. Also i feel terribly guilty that i can't be there to support her in the way i want as i am stuck at home in beached whale state, waiting to give birth.
I am lucky in that my wonderful brothers have arranged fantastic care for her and she is being well looked after at home until such time as she needs to go into a hospice.
None of this was ever how it was supposed to be - there is no good time to experience either end of the circle of life but both coming to me for the first time in this way is something i never foresaw.
Overall i am just so sad, for my mum who is no longer who she was just a few short weeks ago. Sometimes i just sit here for hours just crying, and it is all making me stress so much about the baby - what if anything goes wrong with the LO.
Bit of a rambling post i know, but just don't know what to do with myself somedays.

OP posts:
pooka · 28/08/2007 17:35

Oh Sophus. I am so sorry that your mother is ill. Terrible to deal with at the best of times, let alone when you are about to give birth to a new life.
I am afraid I don't have any experience or advice, though I think the best thing to do is be easy on yourself, take care and reassure yourself that your LO will be fine. The only positive, if any, to take out of it, is the knowledge that at least your mother, although ill, will still get to meet your child/her grandchild.
Please take care of yourself and hopefully someone with first hand knowledge can give you some advice.

policywonk · 28/08/2007 17:38

I'm so sorry to hear this sophus. My mother was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer six weeks before my first son was born and I remember being utterly devastated. Try not to worry about the baby - he or she will be absolutely fine. If your experience is anything like mine, you will find a lot of consolation in the baby's presence after the birth - and looking after a newborn is so time-consuming and all-encompassing that you might find that your grief takes a back seat for a while. Your mother (and the rest of your family) might also be consoled by the baby - it really is hard to be miserable around a newborn (unless you have PND of course, but that's a whole other topic).

I remember having a lot of crazy thoughts - would I swap my mother's life for my baby's, and things like that. It's quite natural to spend hours crying, and probably quite a good way to relieve some of your anxiety. You could try contacting CRUSE, the bereavement people, or talking to your GP or midwife. You might find this article helpful.

My mother is still alive, by the way, nearly five years later - she's a bit of a medical marvel. Try to not lose hope completely.

maman4 · 28/08/2007 17:52

sophus my heart goes out to you.I lived through something similar with my first.my dad was terminally ill and died when I was28 weeks.The stress and grief brought the birth on .I was in the bathroom and my waters were broken and he was in the bedroom being laid out by the undertakers!The next few hours / days are a blur but my advice is to keep your head together!that s what your mum would say,right?baby and you first and no,that s not being selfish it s a protection mechanism.I am proud of how I coped and now my wee skinny runt of a baby is 13 and miles taller than me.Love to you and your mum

bundle · 28/08/2007 17:54

oh sophus, I'm terribly sorry this is happening to you, especially now. My father had an illness which meant he'd "disappeared" a while before he died, it's incredibly distressing and I know how stressful it is for the family and other carers. Your family are doing the very best for her, please keep on talking in RL and on MN for support/moans/sympathy. much love xxxxx

spudmasher · 28/08/2007 18:00

Much sympathy Sophus. What a mixture of emotions you have going on at the moment.

Califrau · 28/08/2007 18:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
sophus · 28/08/2007 19:31

thanks for your support. Some days i just pootle along and think about the baby, and some days like today i just and weep at the bloody injustice of it. Along with the sadness is all the inevitable mundanity of suddenly finding oneself part responsible for an elderly disabled parent and the bureacracy and learning curves that entails, and then next week i will be learning how to change nappies and breastfeed.
My overwhelming hope is that the LO does bring some happiness to the family as a whole but that may be selfishness on my part - as my siblings are so focused on my Ma, which is what she needs.
I was looking something up in a recipe book yesterday and realised that i will never get her cooking advice again (she was a professional chef). it's always the little things that totally blindside you.
there is so much i want to say and blurt out and so much i feel. A couple of friends in RL are being great but a lot have just fled the coop - not knowing what to say and how to deal with the situation as a whole. DP is sometimes wonderful but also non-comprehending of my overwhelming sadness. His main concern is for the baby (rightly so) and anything else comes a very far second.

Sure there are more random thoughts to come, good to have somewhere to just write it all down. I am on the sept antenatal board, but now that babies are starting to appear, it seems a bit unfair on the other MTBs to go on and on and on about how miserable i am.
S
x

OP posts:
DollyPopsOut · 28/08/2007 19:53

Sophus - ,u father had his 4th stroke in 6 months when i was 8 months pregnant with my second daughter. He was not expected to live and we all went to say goodbye. It was terribly sad and I thought at times my heart would burst as I was crying so much. I remembered being so happy when DD1 was born and feeling a range of emotions as I thought I would not feel like that when DD2 arrived.

DD2 is 5 months now and my father is still alive, but very ill and doesn't know who anyone is etc. I still have days when I am uncontrollably sad but on the whole the joy which my children bring and the sheer busy life which having kids entails helps me through. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I would recommmend counselling and also coming on here as much as you need for an outlet to vent your feelings. Please do keep in touch. Sending you my very best wishes XXX

policywonk · 28/08/2007 20:47

I know what you mean about friends - some of my friends were completely paralysed when I told them and were obviously scared to get in touch. Others were great, and I still remember which of them made the effort to telephone me. But it can be very hard to offer support to a friend who's going through something like this, as you can probably appreciate. I know that my experience with my mother hasn't made me much better at dealing with other people's grief. Similarly, dealing with a heavily pregnant partner who has just had such awful news is probably a nightmare for most men - I know that mine found it mind-blowing. My mother actually rang him up a couple of days after her diagnosis and gave him strict instructions to give me a hug as often as possible.

I'm sure the others on your antenatal thread aren't fed up with you at all.

WideWebWitch · 28/08/2007 20:49

hello, poor you. I don't know what to say other than welcome and sorry about your mum. Try to tell her everything you feel and especially how much you love her. I think it's very helpful when someone is very ill, to know you said everything that needed saying.

sarahgg · 29/08/2007 22:00

I really feel for you. My dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer 3 1/2 yrs ago, just when we were planning dd2. Then he had big operation to remove most of his liver and got MRSA. was in a coma for three weeks, DD1 was 3. AWFUL. But he wanted us to carry on our lives, i think it was good for him to know that life carried on. Fortunately for us, he is stil here, just. We don't know when his treatment will cease to work, but we know it will. I think he has just about had enough of going from one type of chemo to another. But I do know that his grandkids are everything to him. He knows we are settled (my brother and I). I think he is at peace. But as a mother now, all I want is to live to see my kids settle, and I'm sure when your Mum was able, she felt happy you had a future. When My dad has knock backs, my kids pull me through. Partly because of the practical stuff - you have to keep going - but also because they are a part of him. We all have our own experiences, but you will find a way through. Have you thought about names? My dad's middle name is george, so we named DD2 Georgia, and he comes from cumbria so her middle name is Beck (stream in cumbrian) because i wasn't sure he would really know her. But I will always know that part of him lives on in her and that gives me great comfort. This probably seems like total rambling, but I just don't know what to say except I do feel for you, and wish you, your DP and LO so much love, ggod luck.

Whooosh · 29/08/2007 22:09

Sophus-lots of great advice here-especiallu from www.
I lost my Mum,unexpectedly(aged 60) when 8mts pregnant with dd.The grief stopped her growing and she had to be delivered early.
Your dc will bring untold joy,yes you will be sad but life really does go on.
I still miss my Mum and every time dd does something (over 2yrs on),I still think "must ring Mum and tell her"...and I can't.....it still hurts so be prepared.
You have the luxury of time to say everything you want to your Mum and do things,within reason you want to-relish those times,prepare for the worst but look forward to,and enjoy your dc.

harrisey · 29/08/2007 23:50

sophus, I just don't know what to say - I cant imagine losing a parent like that.

But my dh was losing his Grandma around the time of my pregnancy with dd2 - in fact, she went in to hospital when I was 5 months pg and never came out - dying 2 weeks before dd2 was born (and who is named for her). It was an imiensely healing thing for the whole family, esp for MIL who lost her mother and gained a grandaughter at about the same time. Real 'Circle of Life' stuff - one goes, another (different) comes, and life goes on. Dh's grandma was older - she was 90 - and literally faded away of old age, and wasnt her nice sharp fun self for the last 4 months or so. We just made the most we could of her, including flying to Ireland to see her the last weekend I could fly in pregnancy and telling her we were naming a baby girl Rachel in her honour - it was the last time she smiled or showed any emotion. Recently my Gran died (dd2 has her name as a middle name) and so many of the happy emotions came back to us both, that Gran also lived on in her as well as in heaven.

This is so hard for you, but I am thinking o you and praying for you as you go throuh so many different things in your mind and heart right now.

Original poster
sophus · 30/08/2007 10:45

If it's a girl then she will have mum's name as a middle name, i always knew i would do this even before mum got ill - now i am worried my family will think i'm being maudlin - i hope not, i alwasy thought my mother deserved to have a legacy (why is it alwasy men who get to pass on their names was my thinking).
The mental deterioration is the hardest, we just weren't expecting it and it is so sudden and rapid.
I had about 4 hours of contractions last night then zip, but then again, it could have just been tummy ache - not got a clue what is going on with my body!
To quote someone very wise - "it's all just a big pile of poo."

OP posts:
FioFio · 30/08/2007 10:52

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maman4 · 02/09/2007 11:35

Just a quick hello...How have things been in the last few days?Am thinking of you.xxxx

Original poster
sophus · 03/09/2007 09:47

Doing all right - though would be better if this baby would make its mind up about putting in an appearance. Am due on Weds and the sooner it is here, the sooner life can get some sort of routine to it. This w/end was mum's first on her own with just carers, as my little brother had to go home, so i will call and see how she coped.
Last night DP offered to have mum's dog (she can't look after him anymore and he has been staying with some friends of mine who run a kennels). I am so pleased as had been hoping for this but didn;t know how to broach the subject, so now we are going to go from the two of us with our elderly well behaved cats, to the two of us, a baby, the new (extremely not well behaved kitten), and a chaotic terrier.
Am also trying to keep MIL at bay who keeps wanting to "be there for me".

So all in all doing okay for now, still takes me unawares at times, and i just find myself crying and crying - normally when i'm driving or in the bath.

s
xx

OP posts:
maman4 · 04/09/2007 22:48

Will be thinking of you tomorrow thenxx

maman4 · 08/09/2007 10:52

Sophus?Are you there?What s the news?

Original poster
sophus · 16/10/2007 16:13

SOrry i didn't get round to updating this post.

Our gorgeous son Linus was born on 15th Sept, weighing a whopping 10lbs 10oz (i had a c-sec thankfully). He is now a month old and a real sweetheart (apart from the evening screamathon but that's another thing).

My mum got to meet Linus when he was two weeks old and was so happy.

My very loved mum died this morning at 5am, after 3 days of being heavily sedated following an infection. I spent Sunday with her saying my goodbyes, and she died knwoing just how much we all loved her.

Linus will grow up knowing all about her and how he got to meet her and make her dreams for me come true.

OP posts:
jura · 16/10/2007 16:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

oatcake · 16/10/2007 16:26

I'm having a sniffle right now.

Having lost my mum 3 years ago, my thoughts are with you.

Enjoy your son.

Budababe · 16/10/2007 16:32

Oh sophus - how sad for you. Am very glad that your mum got to meet Linus.

Mercy · 16/10/2007 16:33

Sorry for your loss, Sophus.

You must be experiencing a real rollercoaster of emotions. There is a poster called Jarm who has been through this too. I'm sure she wouldn't mind talking to you if it would be of any help.

And welcome, Linus

inthesameboat · 16/10/2007 16:34

Congratulations on the birth of your son. He was a whopper!

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum but glad that she got to see him. She must have been so happy to meet her grandson.

I hope you have lots of people looking after you Take care