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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Girl has died and I feel so affected

47 replies

NameOfYourSexTape · 12/12/2019 18:27

Girl was taken into hospital with flu like symptoms last week and said to have sepsis, was put into induced coma and sadly deteriorated and passed away yesterday. I only know the family through my dd dancing at the same dance school and she's 2 years abve dd at same school.

I have anxiety diagnosed and since being on meds it's improved but after hearing this I feel like I'm spiralling. I feel so ridiculous, it's nothing to do with me but I can't stop thinking about her. About how fragile life is. I want to protect my own kids at all costs, I'm just so sad and also it reinforces how fragile life is. I'm not sure why I'm even posting, I feel like a fraud.

That poor family. Two siblings too, just before Christmas.

OP posts:

FruitcakeOfHate · 12/12/2019 18:29

Go and see your GP.

Original poster

NameOfYourSexTape · 12/12/2019 18:33

Why? My anxiety is green nearly controlled, I don't think it's that abnormal to feel affected by a young girls death is it??

OP posts:

Original poster

NameOfYourSexTape · 12/12/2019 18:33

Green nearly = generally

OP posts:

GahWTF · 12/12/2019 18:39

I assume previous poster suggested that because you say your anxiety is spiralling??

FruitcakeOfHate · 12/12/2019 18:39

You said you felt you were spiralling.

Dawninglory · 12/12/2019 18:40

I understand OP, it really brings home to you, your and your children's mortality. 3yrs ago a friend of mine died from cancer, our children were the same ages, although she was 5yrs older still in her 40s. Took me the best part of 18mths to move past it, losing a friend but also what could happen to me/ my children. X

Original poster

NameOfYourSexTape · 12/12/2019 18:44

Sorry, not spiraling as in I think I need help, just that, it's been so much better but since hearing this yesterday I'm wanting to really clean everywhere, pay private for older dd to have flu vac, researching best vitamin etc. Like it was before i went on meds. I suppose its normal really, how on earth do you deal with such a horrific thing on your doorstep. I can deal with things that have human error, car accidents, diving into quarries etc. It's when it's something completely sudden and beyond control

OP posts:

Cynara · 12/12/2019 18:45

As pp say, if you feel like you're spiralling, see your GP. Of course it's natural to be affected by an untimely death. It's normal to reflect on your life; your priorities and your mortality.
If you find yourself affected to the point that it's altering your ongoing MH, however, seeing your GP is the best way forward.

Neome · 12/12/2019 18:59

When my DD was in year 7 or thereabouts a girl in year 11 at her school died of meningitis.
I don't think it's odd that it still feels sad (about 20 years later) thinking about her and her family and her friends about to take exams. Everyone was affected.

Not everyone feels these losses the same way. Life is fragile.
I love the book Tear Soup which is a beautiful picture book all about loss and grieving - for adults really rather than kids but possibly suitable for older children.

bakingcupcakes · 12/12/2019 19:19

When my mum was a head teacher in a primary school a year 1 child ran into the road at home time, was hit by another parents car and died. I was a child myself at the time and I remember how upset my mum was and the little girls book bag with blood on it being in our kitchen. The police gave it to my mum when she came out from school to try and help and she still had it when she came home.

I didn't think of this child much at all over the years (although my mum brings her up now and again) but since my son's started school and we walk along the main road I think about this little girl and her family regularly. It just sticks in my head because DS is a similar age and doesn't want to hold my hand half the time. He's always saying he knows not to run in the road etc but just walking him along it makes my nerves bad. I can see why you feel anxious.

Bluetrews25 · 12/12/2019 19:30

What a terribly sad event. How dreadful for all involved.
It's quite reasonable to be sad for the family, and have some concerns for your own DCs.

BUT please hang onto the fact that it is very rare.
The vast majority of children will not die suddenly of sepsis.
Thankfully.
Please try not to transmit your anxiety to your DCs by cleaning furiously and pouring vitamins down them.

When I worked on a cancer ward, one of the nurses told me that she was able to keep herself together for the family when the patients died by reminding herself that this was not her tragedy, the patient did not belong to her. That's not to say she didn't care, we all did, but would just take 5 mins time out, and then crack on dealing with the others.

milliefiori · 12/12/2019 19:33

Wow. I came on to say your reaction is totally natural and normal. It's human to feel really distraught at the loss of a young child at Christmas time. You don;t need to know them well to find this upsetting or for it to make you hyper-aware of how fragile life is. But others think your distress is symptomatic of excess anxiety so maybe my judgement is off. I'd feel as you do and I don't suffer from anxiety much but do have depression with mild anxiety.

Goingslightlycrazy1 · 12/12/2019 19:40

I wonder if your child is at the same school as mine as I received this same news today. Does the school name begin with B?
It's incredibly sad and I've shed tears. If you feel that your anxiety is still spiralling in a few days maybe you should seek some medical help

Original poster

NameOfYourSexTape · 12/12/2019 19:42

@goingslightlycrazy1 yes it does begin with b in the village of c? I'm in village beginning e next to it.

Horrible horrible thing to happen I can't imagine what the family is going through x

OP posts:

TooTrueToBeGood · 12/12/2019 19:46

The fact that a child's death has such a profound impact on you is not evidence of the fragility of life, quite the opposite. Think that through. We're privileged to live in an advanced society where mortality rates are comparatively very low. Compare that to other parts of the world and be grateful for how fortunate you and your child are.

00Sassy · 12/12/2019 19:53

Almost a year ago a young boy in the same high school as my DS (different year group and my DS didn’t know him personally) was knocked off his bike on his way to school and he died.
I cried and cried, for him, his family and friends and just because it really brings it home how fragile a life is.

I hugged my son tight when he came home that day (bear in mind he’s a typical non cuddly teen) and we both had a cry together.

I went to work, at the hospital where he was taken to following the accident, and some of the staff were crying too.

It’s awful OP, but it’s only human to feel so emotional about something like that.

misspiggy19 · 12/12/2019 19:54

* I don't think it's that abnormal to feel affected by a young girls death is it??*

^You didn’t even know the girl. I don’t think your reaction is normal.

Original poster

NameOfYourSexTape · 12/12/2019 19:56

I didn't know her well but she was in the dance school my dd goes to and is 2 years above her at school, I've spoken to her mum in the past. No I don't know her well though

OP posts:

poseysbobblehat · 12/12/2019 19:58

I know who you mean - school BR ? Just horribly tragic.

blueshoes · 12/12/2019 19:59

We're privileged to live in an advanced society where mortality rates are comparatively very low. Compare that to other parts of the world and be grateful for how fortunate you and your child are.

Yes and we have access to advanced and free medical care. We and our dcs are very lucky to live in the UK. That is not to say tragedies cannot happen and every child around my dcs' age who dies or is hurt affects me in a way I did not pre-kids.

But the bigger picture , which I try to keep in mind, is the risks are small, we are generally safe and have access to police protection and healthcare and the rule of law.

Original poster

NameOfYourSexTape · 12/12/2019 19:59

Yes BR
Its so so sad

OP posts:

puds11 · 12/12/2019 20:02

A child I looked after when I was also a child (5 years older) accidentally hanged himself and died. It was over 20 years ago and deeply affected me.

Livebythecoast · 12/12/2019 20:10

It's completely understandable to be so upset. Don't minimise it. It's close to home so to speak. The poor family, you simply can't imagine it.
When my daughter was 6 her friend's mum died, she was only 30. I kept thinking what if that was me - leaving my DD? I felt quite selfish thinking that.
My heart goes out to the family

CloudyVanilla · 12/12/2019 20:13

What's the point of coming on just to say the OP shouldn't be upset or anxious about this?

She isn't saying she is grieving, she is saying it has made her feel anxious and I can completely get that. OP I also suffer intermittently from anxiety and now I'm a mother it certainly centres itself around my children.

It helps me to remember that catastrophising is a symptom of anxiety rather than the cause if that makes sense?

It is so awful though isn't it to hear news of awful things happening; when it was reported on the news that a poor little boy had fallen down a borehole it broke me and really triggered my anxiety too. And obviously there's not personal attachment there, it can purely be a trigger for anxiety sufferers - you don't need to justify a personal relationship with a situation to admit it has affected you (as long as you aren't making the events about you which you obviously aren't as you have come to Mumsnet to post about it instead of IRL)

Original poster

NameOfYourSexTape · 12/12/2019 20:17

Thank you. Yes, I'm not actually bleaching the house or stopping my kids leaving the house, it's just that I want to, which is different. Very good advice re the catastrophising, dds upset at seeing so many friends inconsolable today, because dd didn't really know her but a lot of her friends did.
I think I'll be OK in a few days it's just very raw and close to home, seeing some of the primary school kids this morning that knew her hugging and crying. It's just such a tragic thing to happen

OP posts:

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