Late misscarriage at 20wks, how do you cope?

[Dece]

At 20 wks I found out that my babys heart had stop I was devastated and still am! Life feels like it will never be the same again. Everyone says time heals but for me each day seems to be getting harder and harder especially as her due date is approaching (5th sept 2007)! I feel like everyone is moving on but I cant its like I am stuck in the past! I visit her grave lots I just wish I could of done something to stop her from being taken from me, I feel so bitter and jealous towards every women who is pregnant or has a new born! I feel so alone there is no one I know who understands the pain I have constantly! please help

To Dece and all you others who've posted here:

i've just found this thread and can relate so much to what you've all said.

i conceived my ds first go in Sept 2002, and thought it was a piece of piss! his delivery was horrible though: an emergency section at 42 weeks at full dilatation, followed by a haemorrhage. he was fine and so was i, and now he's 4 and is completely the delight of my life (except that he won't poo on the toilet, but that's on another thread!)

when he was 18 months we started trying for no 2: it took us 20 months to conceive. we went to the fertility clinic and had all the tests: no obvious reason. i was ovulating OK, a few cysts on my ovaries and DHs sperm count was borderline, but on the whole we were told no real reason why it shouldn't happen. we made the decision then to keep trying naturally, but to accept it if it didn't happen and not to put ourselves through the trauma of IVF.

finally conceived August 06. bled on and off all through the pg and felt AWFUL. also sold house and bought another which probably didn't help. back and forth to the hospital to find out why bleeding: nobody knew. then had a scan at 19 weeks which showed the waters had broken 2 or 3 weeks before. the baby was stll alive but we were advised its chances were abysmal so we made the terrible decision to have a termination which happened 4 days before Xmas 06. we saw our baby afterwards and i'm so glad we did, although it was one of the hardest things i ever did. i touched its little hand. we never knew what sex it was and we never gave it a name. the hospital did some hand and footprints for us.

we gave it a woodland burial - it makes me feel slightly better to know that there's a rowan tree planted above where it sleeps: something healthy and growing will come out of all this. then a month later we actually moved house, which gave us something else to think about, and meant that we got a new start in somewhere with no bad memories. actually i didn't find the due date (in May) too bad, because by then i felt more positive.

we started trying again in April, and this time it only took us 3 months to conceive. we were so cautious about this 3rd pg, never let ourselves believe that it would work out. which is just as well, because last saturday i had a miscarriage at 12 weeks.

so many questions. is it because i had bad delivery with my boy? is it because i'm rhesus negative? is it because i'm now 37? will we ever be able to give our ds a sibling? would it be so bad if he was an only? can we face going through all the uncertainty of trying to conceive and then getting through another pregancy? (it doesn't help that i HATE being pregnant, but so want another baby)

however i do feel so lucky to have my DH and ds - many others are not so lucky - and they keep me going.

so i really feel for you Dece and you others. thinking of you all.

Sending support to Dece and all of you - I too had a baby stillborn at 20 weeks with no clear explanation ever given.
It is awful and sad when it happens, but please don't ever blame yourself. It's a cliche, but time is a great healer. You will feel better, but that doesn't mean you ever need to forget your baby.
I think it's important to look after yourself now - I mean really, really treat yourself, have a holiday if you can afford it? Give yourself a break, don't feel bad about grieving, and you will be able to move on with your life, I promise.
xx

rozzier so sorry to hear your story, people always say once your passed 12 weeks your fine, what a load of crap that is!. i mc at 20 weeks no explanation given. i coped because i already had 3 kids and was 41 so put it down to pushing my luck!. remember you have 1 beautiful child, some women never manage that. take care. ps. dont give up you are still young enough to have a baby.

Hi Dece, Just wanted to say I am thinking of you on Caitlin's due date. Today will be hard, mark it in the way you think best and take time out for yourself to grieve.
Lots of hugs, you are not alone and Caitlin is not forgotten.

(((Dece))) I am so sorry for the loss of Caitlin and thinking of you both on her due day xx I lost my precious girl, Mia, at 20 wks in january. I just went into labour and she did not make it through. I have found it so hard and feel so alnoe alot of the time, I am still so sad and can't cope with pg women very well. Sending you hugs xxxx

Hi everyone sorry I have not been on for a while been keeping myself busy! Well Caitlins due date has been and gone and its still not any easier! We put lots of flowers on her grave on wednesday! More of you remembered than anyone else close to us!! I think Steve my partner struggled on that day! Thanks everyone for thinking of us xxxx