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Original poster

Late misscarriage at 20wks, how do you cope?

56 replies

Dece · 22/08/2007 20:55

At 20 wks I found out that my babys heart had stop I was devastated and still am! Life feels like it will never be the same again. Everyone says time heals but for me each day seems to be getting harder and harder especially as her due date is approaching (5th sept 2007)! I feel like everyone is moving on but I cant its like I am stuck in the past! I visit her grave lots I just wish I could of done something to stop her from being taken from me, I feel so bitter and jealous towards every women who is pregnant or has a new born! I feel so alone there is no one I know who understands the pain I have constantly! please help

OP posts:
Original poster
Dece · 25/08/2007 15:55

I agree goingfor3 I just wish people could understand how much you are hurting inside, but the only way is to have it happen to you! My doc has refered me to a breavement unit so just waiting to here back.
I am having a good day today, keeping myself busy, and staying away from family for a while, I cant get away from it but I am just protecting myself from others at the moment!!!1

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CHOCOLATEPEANUT · 25/08/2007 22:28

Dece

Its so very hard to cope.You feel like your heart has been ripped open and you just ask yourself WHY? WHY? WHY?

I lost my second dd at 25 weeks pg in April 05.Her movements stopped and a scan confirmed she had died.The results gave no reason. Having to cope with having the rug pulled away (all your hopes and dreams for the child you have been carrying) and then deal with he practical stuff like delivering and then funeral arrangements are surreal.I was SO lucky my other dd whas 15 mth at time was at home for my when I got in from hosp.I would not have coped without her and cannot imagine how somebody going through this with a first pregnancy really does cope.I have so much respect for them.

You have to be kind to yourself and a big thing for me now and then is ackowledging my dd all the time as people tend to sweep it under the table.So I always say I have two girls but one is in heaven.

I am now 26 weeks with another baby but the pregnancy is difficult as I am very nervous.Thats the other difficult bit as it does 'spoil' what should be a happy time.I just have this enormous urge to deliver a live baby, like it will give me closure?? (My other dd was a c/s)

I guess I wont know if thats the case until it happens.

wildwind · 26/08/2007 12:49

Dear Dece - soooo sorry to hear about your late loss. If ou were my sister I would shake you. NEVER EVER think you are a failure. BIG HUG!!!! It's the way it goes for a lot of women. Unfair, unjust, depressing - but certainly NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!

Just had second miscarriage (first at 16 weeks, second at 9.5 weeks)and thought I am a failure for two seconds - then had to slap myself.
Cannot image losing at 20 - but understand where you're coming from.
I got so much support here. Hope this will help you too through the really dark times. I wish I could do more. Am trying to send you all the good energy of the universe.
You got support nearby?
Be well

RahRah1 · 26/08/2007 14:11

Hi Dece,

There are quite a few things I do in Bertie's memory. I have raised money for Tommy's the baby charity, I have raised money for premature baby clothes for our hospital. The clothes I put in a presentation box and put in hand knitted cardigans, clothes from Tiny dee clothing range for babies between 1lb and 2lb, knitted blanket, a little toy, little hats and booties. I plan to make a donation of the clothes every year on his birthday. I also do things on a personal level, where before I might not of been as compassionate I think about Bertie and try and be more helpful. Even down to when I am driving, it sounds stupid, but I never use to let people out in front of me, but know I will let one person out a day and think of Bertie whilst I'm doing my good deed for the day! Am I mad, probably!, but it helps me.
I'm glad Sat was a better day for you, it sounds mad but I found the people closest to me made me feel the pain more than others. Its good just to get some distance when you need it, rather than endure more pain.
Better go, but sending you a big warm hug (the weather is fab) Xx

BBBee · 26/08/2007 14:22

this happened to me - I went on to have two healthy children.

I have to go but will come back later.

I promise you it gets better - it gets easier and it hurts less. The love you feel always stays but the hurt fades.

Best wishes.

babyjamas · 27/08/2007 20:20

we lost our little boy at 21 weeks in April 2003. I think i cried every day for a year - but,like Marina said, after that year things have definitely got easier. I will never forget him, although he is never mentioned by anyone else these days. I have looked on th SANDS forum but find it unbearably sad and reminds me of the utter bleakness of the early days - however i am 4 years down the line and maybe it would have been of help at the time. My nephew was born 9 months after we lost Max -i sobbed my heart out the day he was born - but i love him to bits, afterall he is not the baby i lost and it is only Max who i want, not any other baby, so in that respect i don't feel any jealousy for others.
i wish you well, it is an awful, horrible time.

Original poster
Dece · 27/08/2007 21:11

I did it, I went to see my cousins twins and I am glad to say it wasnt as painful as I thought!! I now realise that its not the thought of people close to me having something I want, its just wanting my baby to be here too!! I know she is in a better place and that she is safe from harm!! If I could have one wish it would be to see her, I think that was a huge mistake making the decsion not too !! But I have to thamk god I have a lovely little boy already without him I wouldnt get up in the morning!!
my mum and my sister, thinks it is weird to be spending so much time with my friend instead of them, but they are so doom and gloom they just bring me down they just dont understand how supportive my friend is!!!

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Jackstini · 27/08/2007 21:58

Oh well done Dece - been thinking about you and it must have been hard.
Glad you have a good friend, you just do whatever you need to to get by.

RahRah1 · 28/08/2007 09:09

Dece - so pleased that you saw your cousin. A massive hurdle and glad it was not as bad as you thought. Take Care Xx

Original poster
Dece · 28/08/2007 20:21

Thanks RahRah1 and Jackstini, I feel like a massive wait has been lifted from me, just need to get past the 5th of sept Caitlins due date, and then maybe I can countinue on with my life, I know I wont feel like that straight away, and of course I will never forget my little angel, but just take each day as it comes, and hope soon I will feel some relief from this awlful loss and pain xxx

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flowerybeanbag · 28/08/2007 20:30

Dece so sorry to hear this. I lost a son at 21 weeks January last year as well as a baby at 7 weeks a few years ago. Anniversaries are horrendous, Caitlin's due date and the anniversary of when she died will be awful but it will get better I promise you.
For a while it will be awful seeing anyone with a baby or pregnant, I felt a pang everytime until I was pg again.
And please don't think of it as you 'not managing one' as if it is anything to do with you.
You will think of her all the time, but after a while it won't be nearly as painful to do so. I have DS now 3 months, and he makes everything wonderful, as I'm sure your DS does for you.

thinking about you, and Marina too.

Original poster
Dece · 28/08/2007 20:44

I feel like the only way to reduce the pain is to have another baby, but its easier said that done, waiting to see if I get pregnant this month, not holding my breath!!
When I do then its more worry whether I will make it full term, sometimes life is torture!!!

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flowerybeanbag · 28/08/2007 21:20

Oh Dece. It will be torture, my pg with DS was, didn't really enjoy it at all. And yes easier said that done. Maybe try and focus on DS and then if you get pg great, but try not to get too hung up on it as you will get stressed and then will be less likely to conceive.
I know it can't be as easy as that, but just a thought.

CHOCOLATEPEANUT · 28/08/2007 21:23

flowery

i am 6mth pg after a stillbirth and your right, its not easy and I am not enjoying it

flowerybeanbag · 28/08/2007 21:55

Hang in there ChocP. Everyday you are a bit nearer having your lovely baby in your arms, and 6 months, not long to go now.

CHOCOLATEPEANUT · 28/08/2007 22:00

Thanks flowery.Weeks are drrrrrrragging.........

RahRah1 · 29/08/2007 08:20

CHOCOLATEPEANUT - sending you massive hugs and all the luck in the world. flowery is right, not long now! Xx

Dece - best of luck with your test this month. Hope you catch. Xx

flowery - Great to hear about your son, many congratulations!

wildwind · 29/08/2007 12:48

Chocolatepeanut and Dece - sending good vibes and wish you all the best. CP: The wait sounds awful, but hang in there. Be well, look after yourself.
Just getting over 2nd m/c (16 weeks and 10th week). Have no children yet - but will try again asap. Looking forward helps. It's not a betrayal, but (for me) feels like affirmation of life.
Defeat is not an option, although sadness can be overwhelming at times.
Dece: Hope you can cope and look forward in the near future. Be yourself, whatever others may think

CHOCOLATEPEANUT · 29/08/2007 19:13

Thanks for kind words girls.Much appreciated
x

Original poster
Dece · 31/08/2007 16:53

Hi everyone its been a few days now, but had a call from the doctor today bad news the fertility treatment didnt work this time (gutted), I really thought this could of been my month, waiting to hear back from doc to see if they are increasing my medication!! Caitlins due date is getting closer, just need it over now!!
CHOCOLATEPEANUT, I have my fingers crossed for you, your be fine !!!!

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CHOCOLATEPEANUT · 31/08/2007 19:48

Sorry to hear that Dece.I know the waiting game is just the worst thing ever,I thought I would never get pg again.It will happen for you soon I am sure

RahRah1 · 31/08/2007 20:41

Dece - sorry to hear that the treatment did not work this time. I'm sure that it will work soon. I know the DD is so hard, we are all here if you want to talk. Xx

Original poster
Dece · 01/09/2007 13:52

Thanks guys!! Its bad enough losing a baby, now my stupid body wont work to do the simply thing of ovulating each month, I have always been like this but its not until you are trying for a baby that you notice that your body isnt normal

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RahRah1 · 01/09/2007 17:15

I Know what you mean, we've been trying for nearly 10 months now since our son died and having to start IUI treatment. Its just a bloody nightmare and makes things so hard. (if they are not hard enough already!) My consultant said to me on a positive that he knows I conceive, so it will happen again! Fingers crossed for both of us and if your listening up there 'give us a bloody break!' - sending you big hugs Dece and positive vibes for next month. {{{HUGS}}}

xyzabc · 01/09/2007 18:58

dece, i wish you were here with me right now, so i could give you a huge hug and tell you to cry your eyes out until you cant cry anymore. i lost my son at 19 weeks (3 years ago) in the same way, he just died in the womb, no reason ever given. i still cry for him. i was the same as you, pregnant friends made me jealous until i realised that i just had to get on with life and not blame anyone for my loss. its no ones fault, just nature being cruel. you will get better and when you have another baby you will realise its all part of life, and life isnt always easy. im sending you so much love, x x