*Upsetting content warning* Coping with how mum looked at the end

[Clockstopped]

I’ve name changed for this as it’s too personal.
My lovely mum died on Thursday and I was lucky enough to be with her in her last days and when she died. The District Nurses were amazing and she had as good a death as anyone could have hoped after a long illness. She died with her eyes closed.
However mum lost so much weight in the last weeks and months and although when she died and just after I thought I was okay with how different she looked - I stroked her face and talked to her, I now keep going back to how she looked when the care home staff had laid her out, and it gets more disturbing every time. They did such a lovely job and mum was dressed in clothes she’d chosen with fresh flowers in her crossed hands and jewellery on. They’d put her teeth in as requested but I think because her head was slightly back and she’d lost so, so, much weight, her teeth and mouth suddenly looked wrong and too big. Her thin hair was smoothed back behind her head and she looked cadaverous (excuse the pun, it’s the only word for it). They couldn’t fully close her mouth.
Mum was so into looking glamourous, I’m finding myself dwelling on this thing that didn’t loom large at the time. She was so changed, unrecognisable really, probably horrifying.
I don’t want to do this, she’d hate it.
Has anyone else had this problem?
I didn’t think I’d want to see her at the undertakers because I’d been with her in her last days and wanted to remember her alive, I viewed my dad several times, but he died suddenly so I needed to process it, and because it wasn’t a long illness, he looked like himself when I saw him.
Now however I’m wondering if I should see my mum, as they will be able to close her mouth and do her hair and put makeup on and she will look more like she would want to. But what if she looks grotesque with the makeup and it’s even worse?
Does anyone have any advice?

No advice I am afraid, but a lot of sympathy. My dad died relatively suddenly but I couldn't bring myself to go and see him at all, so all my last memories are of him alive if not very well (I lived in a different country and he died not long after visiting me). Undertakers are supposed to be very good at hair and makeup. Give them a picture of her with her hair and makeup done as she loved it and I am sure that they will get it close. It can't be any worse than she is now.

Thank you. I’m sorry you’ve lost your dad too.

So sorry for your loss💐. I have nothing useful to offer but I have an idea of what you mean. when my aunt passed after a lengthy illness she was a mere shell of her former self and part of me wished I hadn’t seen her this way. That image has slowly faded somewhat and I can remember her as she used to be. When you picture her try and focus on the good memories.

I don't have any suggestions but I just wanted to say sorry your lovely mum has passed.

What you have done for her has meant the world to her, and I would find a precious photo and keep it with you to frequently look at.

Could you do her hair and makeup sensitively it might help you to come to terms with the set of her face just at that particular moment? It is only a moment in a lovely life, and I'm sure you'll move through this. Its just difficult at such an emotional time.

View it all through your love for her and hers for you. She might not look the best you've seen her at this moment, but you know this isn't a reflection of her, but the effects of a horrible illness.

I would also ask the undertakers what advice they have as I'm sure they must have experience of this and the distress it causes to loved ones.

Hello Clockstopped. Sorry for your loss. I lost my mum a few weeks ago and she too was very ill in the end. I'd rather forget certain things and won't even list them here but I found looking at photographs from earlier this year has helped a lot. When I think of her I think of her healthy not so much as how she looked at the end. If you do want to see you mum again could you show the undertakers a photo on how she looked so they do her hair/make as shown in the photo?

Just remember that wasn't her in life.
What she looked like before will gradually come back. Do you have a nice photo of her you could put up in your house to remember her by?
I had this too with my DF. I still remember what he looked like when he died, but then I think of some of the lovely memories that I had of him. I hope you get to that point soon.

Oh Clock I'm so sorry you've lost your lovely Mum. . And sorry you have this dilemma.

My Dad died 3 weeks ago. I wasn't with him when he died but saw him the next morning. For me it was reassuring, because it really wasn't Dad, he'd gone, it was Dad's body.

We chose not to see him again because it felt like an empty shell. He had lost lots of weight too, and I found the idea of his body being dressed in clothes that would be several sizes too big, rather a grotesque thought. So we chose not to, and asked simply for a shroud.

I realise this is not the same situation at all, as you have a distressing image to deal with.

Do you have anyone you trust who could visit your Mum first, and let them judge whether or not it would be the right thing for you?

Whatever you decide, I'm sure that you will soon be focused on the memories of your mum prior to the illness and frailty.

Going through family photos for his funeral was a very therapeutic task for me and my brothers. A real bitter sweet activity, that had us laughing and crying. And it shifted our thoughts of Dad far away from his last difficult months.

I hope you resolve things. Be kind to yourself.

I would say go and see her at the undertaker. I gave them my mums make up (she died in September so this is recent for me too). You can give them
a picture of how you want her hair to look. She looked so peaceful. The undertakers know what they are doing and I think you will end up with a better image. I think they had wired my mums mouth shut. I actually wish I had taken a photo of her as it was as though all the pain had gone. She looked years younger. My mum had also lost huge amounts of weight towards the end.

Sorry that you are having to
Cope with this.

Thank you all. I am collecting photos to put around the room where we gather after the funeral, and there are lovely ones of her at all ages. I will try to just focus on that.
The dwelling on how she looked after being laid out is involuntary but also part of me going over and over her last days and hours to try and fix it in my head as I was sleep deprived and everything was a blur. I want to remember all the loving exchanges and good bits, but two bad things are also intruding; the one I’ve described above and also that when her breathing changed, I texted other family to come back, as they’d gone to eat. As it turned out, she died within 2 to 3 minutes, so I’m regretting the seconds I spent texting could have been spent stroking mum’s face and talking to her. I did do that, but the text wasted time and they weren’t going to be back in time anyway.
I know I have to squash these obtrusive thoughts.
Did anyone benefit from seeing their relative at the undertakers after a bad illness?

The picture advice is very helpful and I will follow that.
Clutchinon I’m leaning towards doing as you did.
💐

Be strong. It's a horrible time. X

Sorry, to clarify, I mean giving the undertakers a picture/ photo to work from.

This image will stay with you a long time, but will fade eventually.
My dad died in hospital, it must have been some time before they noticed, but that is another story... By the time we arrived he had gone a yellowy colour and laid out on the bed his mouth was wide open. I was haunted by that image for a very long time. I did not go to see him at the undertakers as I was too frightened he would look the same way, I do not know if I did the right thing or not. I will never get over the thought of him dying alone and no one was there or noticed.

I'm so sorry for your loss. My DH didn't look like himself when he died. His mouth was slightly open and he had also lost so much weight his face looked skeletal.

I didn't see him in the chapel of rest after the undertakers had finished with him, but my sister in law did and she said he looked so young and peaceful, and just like himself, they had done a wonderful job. I hope that gives you some comfort.

• and visiting her at the undertakers.

There might be one person I could ask to see her before me and advise me. It’s a huge ask though. Your replies are all very helpful. Thank you.

It's dreadful.

My mam went very downhill within a short space of time.

It will take you a good while to remember her how she was, but it will come in time.

Hey

My mum died 7yrs ago after a long battle with cancer. My mum lost alot of weight in the last few weeks.
Mums death was a good death. No pain. Surrounded by her family. I was holding her in bed as she went. The only thing was she looked terrible. Died with her eyes open. Face all sunk. It haunted me in the following days. She was 62 but looked 92.

I got married only 6 weeks before. Mum picked a lovely mother of the bride outfit.
We decided to have her dressed in this after she died.
I went to see her in the undertakers. I'm so glad I did. She was my mum as I remember her. Hair done, make up on. She looked like she did before she was ill.
My mums mum was still alive and didn't want to see daughter at the undertakers but I persuaded her to. She told me she was do glad she did. She could see her daughter was at peace.

Viewing a body is a personal choice. Some people take comfort others see it as a shell.

For me, I saw my mum at peace. Not a cancer patient who fought until the end.

Thank you all for sharing something so personal and difficult. I’m sorry for your losses.
I think I will visit her after they have prepared her, which I hadn’t planned on. Your experiences suggest it will probably be helpful in the circumstances. I will take me husband with me for support.

My dad's mouth was open when we arrived at the hospital minutes after he had passed way & we all thought that he didn't look like himself. When my mum went to see him in the chapel of rest, he was dressed in his proper clothes & she said he just looked as if he was having an afternoon nap, if he hadn't felt so cold, she would have expected him to wake up. Don't let what your mum looked like at the hospital stop you from seeing her for the last time, you could just go in & not look at her but know you were together if that would be easier.

Wishing you well Clock

I think if you have someone who can go into the chapel of rest before you, then this is your best option. I was 7 months pregnant with my first child when my dad died suddenly. I only saw him in the chaple of rest. Mil reassured me he looked peaceful and so did the staff. Then I was happy to go in. I don’t regret it

I feel for you so much but i can only say that as time goes on you will stop remembering her like this and the images in your head will be of the beautiful glam lady you loved.

I was haunted for the first few months by how my dad looked at the end but now i see him in my mind healthy, handsome and happy. He died 18 months ago.

I didn't believe the people who told me those horrible memories would fade but they have.

Just want to say I'm sorry about your Mum and all you're going through. These feelings and intrusive thoughts are really normal but so hard when you're in the middle of it all. I'm glad you have your husband for support

I'm very sorry for your loss. My dad died 3 years ago and I was with him when he died. It took a good few weeks, but the memory of how he looked when he died faded and I now remember him as he was before he fell ill. It takes time, but you will get there. Take care of yourself x

Sorry for your loss Clockstopped
I was with my mum when she passed away after a long illness. We stayed with her until the undertaker arrived. Personally I wouldn't go and see her, my mum had started to change appearance before the undertaker arrived I can still remember it clearly 2 yrs later.

When my dd died 4yrs ago, I was desperate to go and see her. Unfortunately we weren't allowed. DH had seen her in the mortuary. The funeral directors were brilliant they let me sit with her coffin anytime I wanted in the week before her funeral. I took photos and personal belongings in and they placed them beside her for me.
I would try to remember your mum as she was before she was ill