*Upsetting content warning* Coping with how mum looked at the end

[Clockstopped]

I’ve name changed for this as it’s too personal.
My lovely mum died on Thursday and I was lucky enough to be with her in her last days and when she died. The District Nurses were amazing and she had as good a death as anyone could have hoped after a long illness. She died with her eyes closed.
However mum lost so much weight in the last weeks and months and although when she died and just after I thought I was okay with how different she looked - I stroked her face and talked to her, I now keep going back to how she looked when the care home staff had laid her out, and it gets more disturbing every time. They did such a lovely job and mum was dressed in clothes she’d chosen with fresh flowers in her crossed hands and jewellery on. They’d put her teeth in as requested but I think because her head was slightly back and she’d lost so, so, much weight, her teeth and mouth suddenly looked wrong and too big. Her thin hair was smoothed back behind her head and she looked cadaverous (excuse the pun, it’s the only word for it). They couldn’t fully close her mouth.
Mum was so into looking glamourous, I’m finding myself dwelling on this thing that didn’t loom large at the time. She was so changed, unrecognisable really, probably horrifying.
I don’t want to do this, she’d hate it.
Has anyone else had this problem?
I didn’t think I’d want to see her at the undertakers because I’d been with her in her last days and wanted to remember her alive, I viewed my dad several times, but he died suddenly so I needed to process it, and because it wasn’t a long illness, he looked like himself when I saw him.
Now however I’m wondering if I should see my mum, as they will be able to close her mouth and do her hair and put makeup on and she will look more like she would want to. But what if she looks grotesque with the makeup and it’s even worse?
Does anyone have any advice?

These won’t be your lasting memories. My dad was skin and bone, twisted in his bed wearing incontinence pads and that image lasted for a while. But now all I ever see is my big strong dad. Sorry for your oss.

So sorry for your loss. I think you're right that seeing the body can help to process the death (by confirming that it's real).

However, I think maybe there's something else going on here, in that you seem to be second guessing whether there was anything you could have done differently.

We all wish we'd made different choices but actually I don't think it changes the outcome. It's hard to go through this but I think you loved your mum and you gave her everything you had in you. Believe that.

If you feel that there is one last service you can do for your mum, by making sure her hair is nice and her face made up just as she would have liked it, then by all means visit her. If you're worried about the way she will look, then talk to the undertaker and they will understand and let you know what to expect.

Above all, be kind to yourself.

I haven't read the full thread yet but I just wanted to reassure you that this is a fairly normal response to seeing someone you loved after they have died. For most people it does pass (even if you never actually forget) eventually you will remember her as she was with the memories that bring you happiness and the look she had when she was very ill/after she died will not be the first image you see when you think of her.

My dad died when I was 21 and when I went to see him at the funeral home (on my own) he looked and I am ashamed to say this Because I love him and don't want to disrespect him but he looked almost frog like. I think it's just because of the way his face/bottom of his jaw/neck had settled with no muscle obviously. He was my dad but my dad wasn't there anymore if that makes sense.

I won't forget that image of him but I'm not unsettled like I was then when I remember it and this I just one image among many many others I have of him.

I'm really sorry clock it's awful losing a parent. I'm sending you as much supportive vibes I can spare for you right now.

I'd rather forget certain things and won't even list them here

My lovely mum died 40 years ago, I was a teen, she was in her 40s and that sentence expresses my feelings

OP - my mum's sisters went to see her at the chapel of rest and, I'm sorry to tell you, they were really distressed by her appearance. They said she didn't look at peace. Yes, they said that to me, her grieving daughter!

I've told my DH when I die I want direct cremation - no one is looking at me.

I should add though he didn't look bad! He just didn't look like dad anymore because well he wasn't, what made him him was gone.

@Clockstopped so sorry you're going through this, it's utterly devastating. My dad died in hospital this year and I wasn't there, which I've struggled to come to terms with. I saw him a few hours later and then a week later at the undertakers. I was anxious about it but spoke to the undertakers and trusted they had looked after him and that it was OK to visit. It was, he looked fine. In his own clothes, and as peaceful as you can i suppose when you're dead.
It was helpful, I can't explain why. None of us really know what happens after death but I wanted to talk to him and have one last time together.
The guilt, regrets etc do subside over time. Be kind to yourself and grieve for as long as you have to, in a way that feels right for you. Life has changed. There's no easy way to adjust, but you will

I had this experience with a close family member and had flashbacks / intrusive thoughts for a few months but they have faded and are now very rare. I think the advice of looking at photos to help you focus your memories is very helpful. Wishing you well - it's a tough time, but the feelings will change and get easier to cope with.

Sorry for your loss.

I had the same recently,was the main visitor to my Nan. When she passed away she looked awful,skin and bone,pressure sores,legs contorted up by her chest.

Look at lots and lots of photos to remember how she was. At the moment it's still so fresh and raw for you that it's natural to keep seeing her the way she left,but full your memories with old photos and remember how she was and time will help

Thank you all so much for posting. It has been really helpful.
It’s the first time I’ve looked to Mumsnet for support rather than entertainment, debate, or urging others to leave their ghastly OH.
I’ll name change back now if I can, I’ve never name changed before either. But I will keep returning to this thread and rereading it.
Thank you again and I’m sorry for your own losses.

• it’s not something that’s easy to talk about in real life.

I was with my dad when he died. His was not peaceful.
Having watched him die, I refused to go see him at the funeral home. As far as I was concerned it was no longer him, just the outer shell. It was hard enough being there at the end without being reminded of it. As it was my sister was jealous, yes jealous, of the fact that I was there and she wasnt, so I had to describe his end to her in great detail.
I have various pictures of him dotted around my flat now so that I can remember him as he was before he died.
He's been gone 14 years now.

Clock I was with my DSF when he died a few months ago, I completely understand what you mean. I had no wish to see him in the chapel of rest but my DM did. DH who had been with me at the time of death very kindly offered to take DM. Afterwards he said to me that DSF looked very peaceful and calm, that was enough for me. I'm so sorry for your loss

Clock, my mum has been coming to me
Lots in my dreams. She looks
Like she did 20 years ago. It's lovely. I don't often think of how she looked anymore. Xx

You didn't do anything wrong with the texting OP. I sat with a close family member for the hours before they died not long ago and at times I and the others at the hospital took breaks to go outside, get a cup of coffee, take a deep breath, hug each other, before we went back in to talk, hold the person's hand etc. It was what we needed to cope. We also did the very best we could for our dying relative and that's what you did for your mum. You were there for her. A few seconds spent texting doesn't change that.

On a related note, my mum died last year and while I found it distressing to see her at the funeral home, that distress faded and doesn't trouble me now. What helped on the day was having photos of her alive and happy to look at immediately I left the funeral home - if you do go, I would have these ready to hand / on your phone to look at afterwards to remind you of your mum as she really was.

My Dad died last year, he had dementia and lost the ability to eat. He was just skin and bones when he died, it was awful, and it's haunting me now.

Thanks for starting this thread OP, I think you've experienced something that a lot of people do, but somehow it doesn't get talked about.

So Sorry for your loss. I went through very similar with my Dad, I lost him in June. The funeral home made him look much better- his face looked fuller & he was positioned better. We all noticed it. Having said that, I'm in Ireland, we do funerals differently here. Open casket viewing is very common. Hundreds of people would attend the 'Removal' from the Funeral Home where the casket would be open. I'm not sure if there would be different practices for Embalming.

My dads last hours were quite traumatic for us (he was unconscious). I thought I'd never get over it. But as the months have passed I'm dwelling more on him rather than on his last few hours IYKWIM. Maybe it will be similar for you? Lots of people have said it to me- as time passes you move from thinking about your loved ones' death to thinking about their life. All the best to you xx

I’m so sorry op for what you are going through. Your feelings sounds totally normal and not unexpected to me. My ma died out of the blue (elderly but very unexpected and no illness etc) and there were long delays for inquest etc. I decided not to see her at the undertaker die to delay. Means I didn’t see her after she died at all and hadn’t seen her for a few days before she died. I sometimes start to feel bereft and a bit panicky when i realise that. Then I pull myself together and know I made the right decision.
I did see my dad in the funeral home - I found him dead very shortly after he fell and passed away. That was a comfort.
I want to say what an absolute honour you were there with her. it’s so bloody tough. whatever you decide be gentle with yourself that you made the right decision at the time.
Support

My DF died in hospital and I saw him briefly shortly afterwards. I'm a nurse and had seen plenty of dad bodies but it distressed me and I still remember every detail. I chose not to see him again at the funeral home.
My DM was killed in a car acciednt. DH identified her body. She had to have a PM. I hadn't seen her for ten days prior to her death due to holidays, but I chose not to see her on advice of my godmother who did. Self preservation I guess. All a bit surreal really but no regrets to three years on.

@Clockstopped

I'm sorry for your loss.

I hope you can take comfort in the future that you supported your mum until the end. Please don't feel bad about wasting time sending a text message, you did what you thought you needed to do and that is enough.

I often tell patient's families to not be surprised if they pass away when everyone is out the room - IME, it seems that people wait until things are quieter before they pass away. Maybe your mum was just waiting until it was just the two of you.

Things are very raw now and anything you feel is "normal" for grieving - there is no manual for how you should behave or feel at this early stage.

I’m so sorry.

My mum died in July, she too had lost so much weight, had hardly any hair left and had lost height as her spine had become curved.

She was an incredibly stunning women her whole life - and she new it! She struggled with how she looked in the end.

I sat with her for a long time when she went. Kissed her, held her hand but chose not to see her again after that.

I am really troubled with the image of her dead. Just how small and fragile she looked laying there. It is incredibly upsetting for me. I struggle to understand or accept how this beautiful, strong and vivacious woman looked like this.

I hope in time I and you feel more at peace with these images. I just wanted to explain that I think I understand how you feel. It’s horrible. Love to you OP. X

Hi op, rigor mortis doesn't last. They'll be able to close her mouth. She'll look wonderful and peaceful, and they do amazing things with make up.

I’m so sorry for your loss, OP. My dad died earlier this year and although I had not seen him for a very long time (LC due to his alcoholism), I knew from others that he was very much changed physically. So I did not view him, nor did my brother. I have a lot of lovely photos of my dad with us as children, long before the alcoholism took hold and I love to look at them and remember those times.

My grandma was the same, she was ill for a long time before she died and was dramatically different to how was remember our lovely, soft cheeked, curly white haired grandma. But I did view her (I was 22 and probably not all that aware of what that would mean for me in terms of memories) and as a result (she looked as she had done for the preceding years, rather than grandma of memory) I decided not to view my other grannie or my dad in the intervening years.

I’m probably over protective of my mental state around viewings as a result.

My Dad died at home last month, he'd been diagnosed a year before but the last couple of weeks were a rapid decline as the cancer took over, thankfully we were able to care for him at home in his final days.

He didn't look like himself when he died but I am glad to have a short video of him in happier times on my phone so I am watching that several times a day at the moment just to get through. I think photos and videos help a lot.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. I completely understand where you are coming from. I think it's as a result of being "made up" by people who did t know your mum and her style.
I had the same with my mother. She looked like she had face powder absolutely caked on. In life she never ever wore face powder. She loved the sun so was always sun kissed, glowy and shiny!!
They had also pulled her hair back off her face.
It took a while for the memory of seeing her to fade but it has now.
Sending love xxx

I was there when my Step dad passed away in September, in the time after he passed he changed so quickly that I wasn't sure I would want to see him at the wake (3 weeks later) but the undertakers were extended family and they made him look as normal as possible, in a way I'm glad i saw him but if only to be supportive for my dm, ds and db