My partner committed suicide

[BrightSpells]

Two weeks ago.

I found him. I never actually thought he'd do it. He said if he did he would make sure neither me or his family found him. But he knew I'd come downstairs in the morning and find him that way. He didn't leave a note.

He had substance issues and did it after a horrible argument regarding his usage. The last words he said to me were awful. I know he didn't plan to do it that night so it was spur of the moment fulled by drugs.

I can't be in my house. I'm distant from my family. I'm not particularly close to his although they have included me in arrangements but I know after the funeral they will never speak to me again. I'm staying with a friend who is kind but obviously clueless. He's a male friend so it's a very "bro" relationship we have.

I've lost everything. Just over two weeks ago o had a loving partner, Hope, plans for the future and a beautiful home. Now everything's gone.

I am so sorry for your loss 💐

Very sorry for your loss and that you found your partner like that. It must be a very difficult time. Have you been offered any grief counselling?

You poor thing. He made that decision, it wasn't and isn't your fault. The sad thing about addiction is that the addict has to face up to the situation and want to change it. No one can make them change.

I'm sorry for your loss

@BrightSpells I am so sorry. My husband took his own life last January. He also had an addiction. In the early days of my loss, I joined WAY (Widowed and Young), they have a specific forum for people who have lost someone through suicide. I found it helped. I also read up everything I could about suicide, just to try and understand. Please know that when people take their own lives, they do not do it to hurt us, they are trying to escape their own pain and this seems the only way out for them.
I am so sorry x

@heidbuttsupper I'm terrified he can see what's happening now and regrets it. He would have been off his face.

I do blame myself. Without going into details so many minor decisions I made that day set the whole thing up for him.

While off his face that niggling voice in the back of his head was saying do it would always ramp up. And he did it. And it worked.

I’m so sorry. I’m going to second @heidbuttsupperand say join WAY. My husband passed away six years ago from cancer and the support of there is second to none. Sending you love and hugs. Xxx

Oh dear OP youve had the most terrible shock. There is an organisation called Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide. They'll be able to offer you specialist support. You will get through this but you need proper help. Anyone would in your situation.

I’m so sorry. But it is not your fault. I know it’s easy for me/us to say but it’s true. Be kind to yourself and please take any help or support that is offered.

So sorry for your loss

@Browniegal13 we weren't married.

@1WayOrAnother I did call them but lines were busy. There's no support from them in my area either I don't think.

I am so so sorry this has happened OP. Please do not blame yourself. Every couple has arguments, that's just part of life and relationships. He made the decision. Please be kind to yourself. I hope you get the help and support you need. Stay strong xxxxxxx

Oh @BrightSpells I remember all these thoughts and feelings. No matter how many people told me it wasn't my fault, I was convinced it was. Going over everything in my head, every word I said, every decision I made, every tiny detail just confirmed to me that l had did this, that it was my fault. It is not your fault, I know that is easy for me to say to you but l promise you, you did not do this. The addiction takes over, your partner was not in control of his own mind. In that split second decision, your partner seen a way out and took it. They do not think of the devastation left behind, only of escaping the pain.

It's been a long road for me to get to where I am today and I will be honest with you, I am no where near 'recovered' but I took all the help I could get. I attended counselling and EMDR sessions. The EMDR sessions helped me accept that this wasn't my fault and really helped me to process things sensibly. It may be of use to you if you discovered your partner.

You have a long road in front of you, but you will get through this. Take everything a minute at a time and I promise you will cone out the otherside ❤️

I'm so sorry. My dh took his own life 18 months ago and I was in the house though I didn't see him.

My GP was so helpful to me. I hope you are seeing yours.

Dear OP I am so sorry you are facing this grief. My DSis died by suicide. It is a devastating way to lose a loved one. The charity mentioned above SOBS also have an online forum. Details on their website.

Also Cruse bereavement support have been great. Many places advise to wait at least 3 months until you get counselling. I did spend quite a time howling down the phone to at least 3 different organisations during that first 3 months though.

You will still be in shock. You have experienced a real trauma in finding him as well as dealing with traumatic, complex grief because of the manner of his death. Please contact a GP if you haven't already. They may be able to let you know about local support and refer you for support.

@BrightSpells you don’t need to have been married to get support from WAY. You will be welcomed and supported. Xxz

@BrightSpells if you are a reader, a good book l read in the early days was 'A Special Scar'. Also, just to confirm, you don't need to have been married to join WAY x

So sorry for your loss OP. I don't have any wise words I'm afraid but hope you're able to access sòme of the organisations listed above.

Hi @TemporaryPermanent so sorry for your loss. Its like the club no one wants to be a member of. How are you at 18months?

I’m sorry for your loss. Bereavement by suicide is a particular kind of loss. It’s very easy and very tempting to bargain internally and think ‘if I had/had not said this or done that thing’ - please try not to. One of the most helpful things someone told me is to think of the option to live or die being like points on a railway track. Much of the time in the mind of a person struggling with suicidal thoughts, those points remain separate, but sometimes they cross; it’s that sudden that the decision may be made. So nothing you could have done. Please reach out for all the help you can.

@TemporaryPermanent I've been seeing my GP twice a week since it happened.

I'm trying not to get too Romeo and Juliet about it. I just can't seem to function. I don't know what to do most of the time. I'm just totally lost.

Literally everything's gone. I lost my pet one Sunday, then my partner and life the next.

@Craftycorvid it's really easy to say that know I know for a fact that one tiny, insignificant action I did that previous day lead to this. It's just the truth.

I do feel for you. I cannot help but feel that if someone commits suicide in the marital/family home it is beyond selfish. No one could be expected to live in a house with those memories. I wish I could give good and helpful advice.

I don't know if this helps, but I have seriously attempted suicide before, and have spent time in hospital with others who have also survived such attempts. I know it seems easy to think it's your fault, but from the point of view of someone who has hurt themselves - I don't think it ever is anyone else who makes you take that step. My experience is that it's normally a single stupid moment - in your partner's case, as you said, probably drugs - and no one else can predict when that moment happens.

You can't blame yourself. It's just tragic and terrible and I'm so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you.