My partner committed suicide

[BrightSpells]

Two weeks ago.

I found him. I never actually thought he'd do it. He said if he did he would make sure neither me or his family found him. But he knew I'd come downstairs in the morning and find him that way. He didn't leave a note.

He had substance issues and did it after a horrible argument regarding his usage. The last words he said to me were awful. I know he didn't plan to do it that night so it was spur of the moment fulled by drugs.

I can't be in my house. I'm distant from my family. I'm not particularly close to his although they have included me in arrangements but I know after the funeral they will never speak to me again. I'm staying with a friend who is kind but obviously clueless. He's a male friend so it's a very "bro" relationship we have.

I've lost everything. Just over two weeks ago o had a loving partner, Hope, plans for the future and a beautiful home. Now everything's gone.

OP I'm so sorry, it's a dreadful way to lose someone. Please just see this period as one of survival, one day at a time. Don't think too far ahead.

In time I recommend looking up Poorna Bell. Her husband had substance abuse issues and took his own life, she has written and spoken extensively about her experience.

@gracepoolesrum

I've actually got her book but haven't got that far with it yet. Our stories are uncannily similar. But I was very aware of the substances and it was our living room, not a forest.

I did a lot of ruminating about everything I did and said and there are moments even now when I’m tempted into retrospectively bargaining. The person who died was not my partner but was close to me for other reasons. There are so many factors, OP, that one moment that is tormenting you was not the whole story, believe it.

Op, I'm sorry for your loss but you absolutely have to get it out of your head that you or any of your actions are responsible. You say you know for a fact that one small, insignificant action caused this, so I have to ask you this, how many times do you think this specific small action has happened all over the world? And how often do you think it has resulted in someone committing suicide.
It's an awful, horrible thing to deal with the loss of someone so close, especially through suicide. It's a million times worse if you make their choice your responsibility.

Oh op you poor thing. You are not responsible and you clearly would never have expected this to actually happen. We lost a family member to suicide A few years ago. No note, very unexpected, also following a row with someone.

You need kindness at this time most importantly from yourself. If you are in the UK I would recommend SOBS charity if you want to talk. Please don't feel alone - you will eventually find a new normal and a way to process everything. Sending love xx

Just saying that I know that feeling of it being my fault so well. So many things that I did that day contributed. But it was still his action. And even if I had got everything right that day, he could have done it the day after.

I say all these things; but it's so hard even to begin to believe them. I also have a member of dh's family who has told me his suicide was my fault, and then has cut off all contact with me, and with ds who has done nothing wrong.

I'm in therapy. Sometimes I feel like I will be in therapy all my life. There will be other times, other happiness. We are changed forever but not all of the change is terrible.

OP, I'm so sorry for your loss and all you're going through. My DH has suicidal thoughts, so I know how hard that was for you to live with even before this happened. It's not your fault xx

@BrightSpells if you listen to podcasts I also recommend her episode of Griefcast.

Hang on in there x

I’m so sorry x

I’m currently dealing with a son who has similar issues to those of your partner.
I feel like my finger is on a trigger every time I have to stand up to him on something.
He knows I am afraid of him taking his life and can be flippant and almost taunt me with it. It’s an exhausting relationship to have and you can’t hold yourself responsible.

Much of the time in the mind of a person struggling with suicidal thoughts, those points remain separate, but sometimes they cross; it’s that sudden that the decision may be made

This is such a great insight, it was never about you op. His struggle was with himself x

It would be so outing if I were to say what the action was but it's very unusual although completely innocent. Maybe ten people over the world may do it every day. Not millions.

I know it was a split decision and I know it was his but if I hadn't done it he would not have done it and there would be more time to get him well. Thrrr was hope at the end of the tunnel.

If it wasn't that, something else could have triggered him some other day. When you're ready, please think about grief counselling. You have so much to cope with without feeling blame you don't deserve x

Without knowing the details, I know the feeling OP that a single action could have changed the outcome of that day.

I have a similar feeling about my actions on the day my DS took her life. I try to get through that feeling by accepting that in the most factual way - it makes no difference now.

There is really truly nothing we can do differently now. We can only deal with the reality now. Which is dealing with the grief and loss and the practicalities of life without our loved ones. For you it sounds like there are some immediate repercussions for your own life that you need to deal with. I hope you can get support for the emotional and practical x

I'm so lonely :(

hi @BrightSpells
I know the feeling. I'm here if you'd like to chat. I've lost two close relatives to suicide this year. sending hugs and