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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

No one remembers, no one cares

39 replies

Fortythreeandfatasfuck · 10/08/2019 16:32

So it's the 8year anniversary today of my mum passing away. No one remembers, not even dh even though its marked on the sodding calendar :-( given that we've had a row the last 3 years running as he didn't remember, am I being unreasonable to think you'd make more of an effort to remember given how much it upsets me? For context we've been together 23 years, if the tables were turned I would have remembered. I don't want any grand gestures, just a bloody acknowledgement that I might be hurting today and need a hug. The only person who did ever remember was my best friend but she died last year so I'm feeling doubly sad today

Am I expecting to much? Just a hug, a cuppa?

OP posts:

Jemima232 · 10/08/2019 16:36

Of course you should have had a hug and a cuppa.

You must miss your mum so much.

It's hard when nobody cares.

sotired2 · 10/08/2019 16:36

sending a hug.
he may just not know how to deal with it x

Jemima232 · 10/08/2019 16:38

Sotired2 may be right. Maybe your DH doesn't know how to deal with it. My own DH is useless at sympathy.

DonPablo · 10/08/2019 16:38

That sucks. My mum died 18 months ago. I started a thread in chat about how I hate that she is missing out on stuff by not being here. Why don't you come over and tell us about your mum? Or tell us here. We'll give you a virtual hug and a cuppa.

AllTheWhoresOfMalta · 10/08/2019 16:39

No words of wisdom but ♥️ to you today.

Widowodiw · 10/08/2019 16:39

But people deal
With grief differently. It was a year in June since my husband passed and I had the opposite and everyone made a “fuss”. I didn’t really get it as to me that day is no
Different to any other day as we feel that same pain every single day. To me it felt like false gestures.

Jemima232 · 10/08/2019 16:39

@Fortythreeandfatasfuck

How old was your mum when she died? Were you able to be with her?

JiltedJohnsJulie · 10/08/2019 16:40

Some people just deal with things differently. Could you just tell him you need a hug and leave it at that?

Ohyesiam · 10/08/2019 16:41

So sorry you are hurting
Just help yourself get what you need by mentioning it to him.
You could just ask for a hug and when he asks why tell him.
Hope tomorrow is a better day.

saraclara · 10/08/2019 16:46

I don't even remember my late husband's death anniversary. It really doesn't mean anything to me. Back then, while nursing him at home through terminal cancer, I barely knew what month it was, never mind dates or days of the week. I didn't know the date that he died until I had to look it up on the death certificate for some reason.

I do understand that to some people they're important (one of my daughters always books the day off work), but to me it's just a day. I'm much more upset by events or little out of the blue moments when his absence is evident.

So yes, I'm afraid it wouldn't occur to me to remember other people's anniversaries of loved ones deaths. Not because I don't care, but just because I don't register them.

Original poster

Fortythreeandfatasfuck · 10/08/2019 16:47

Thanks everyone
My mum was 65 and no I wasnt with her.
She had a series of heart attacks, and was due to have an OP to fit a stent and was in hospital waiting, we live 4 hours away and had been down with my dad for a week, we thought she was going to be fine so came home, at that point ds was 5 months old and we needed to get back to work etc. We got home about 8pm at night and my dad rang at 8am the next morning to say she'd had a massive heart attack in the early hours and they couldn't save her.

I honestly don't know what it is with dh...

for everyone else on here who has lost a loved one. Thanks for letting me talk

OP posts:

Jemima232 · 10/08/2019 16:53

So your mum's death was sudden and unexpected. That can be very difficult to process. My own father died in much the same way and I feel so sad that I wasn't able to tell him how much he meant to me before he went.

I was with my mother when she died and I think I found it easier.

But I remember them both with great love.

Original poster

Fortythreeandfatasfuck · 10/08/2019 16:54

I get that sara and my grief isn't just felt on the anniversary, its every day as you put it, but in my situation, he's my partner of 23 years, surely he'd want to offer comfort to his wife? I don't know, maybe my expectations of others are warped?

Thanks for helping me see it from all sides

OP posts:

Sunflowers11 · 10/08/2019 17:09

Oh I am so sorry @Fortythreeandfatasfuck

You remembered and that is all that matters. Sometimes people have not forgotten, but scared to show their feelings incase it upsets you. Sending a handhold.

OldAndWornOut · 10/08/2019 17:17

I think in some ways its harder as time goes on and people go about their lives as if the person never existed.
As you say; no grand gestures, but someone to say "I remember them" is just a little acknowledgment of someone's life.

saraclara · 10/08/2019 19:42

Does your husband remember birthdays, OP? I'm not good at those either.

But in general, in afraid that after seven years, most people just aren't that tuned in to a death anniversary. Even if it's their spouse's loss. Life goes on. I certainly never remembered the date my FIL died. And my husband didn't remember the date my dad did.

You're one of the people it's important to. But I think you have to recognise that many aren't. And that you need to remind your husband the day before, that you're going to be finding the day challenging and can he help you out.

Nearlyalmost50 · 10/08/2019 19:45

I think if you want him to be more sensitive on that day, which is entirely understandable, then you need to flag the day the day before. I don't know any 'death' anniversaries of anyone so this wouldn't occur to me probably either, but I'd be mortified if a friend or partner were upset. Let him know you need his support.

Original poster

Fortythreeandfatasfuck · 10/08/2019 23:31

Thanks everyone, as I mentioned upthread, he knows as we've had this argument for the last few years and still he forgets . He also came with me to the shop to buy a card to send to my dad (weds) so I mentioned it then, and mentioned sending flowers plus my dad rang earlyish this morning which he wouldn't ever really do. Oh and did I also mention that we've had an argument about him forgetting for the last 3 / 4 years - sigh!! Sorry, I just see no excuse really but maybe I just need to give up and think along the lines of sunflowers, at least I haven't forgot and that's all that matters.

OP posts:

saraclara · 10/08/2019 23:36

I really don't know what you want from him on that day, even if he remembers.
I suppose I just don't really get it.

I have a very lovely ex-colleague who never fails to text me on 'the day'. I find it incredibly sweet that she took note of the date back then, and always remembers. But it's sweet because it's not something I exepct of anyone. And I certainly don't want a fuss making over it.

ParkheadParadise · 10/08/2019 23:39

Sorry for your loss Fortythreeandfatasfuck

78percentLindt · 10/08/2019 23:48

My mum died 13 years ago this year. I find that I tend to remember her more on her birthday than the anniversary of her death. And the same for dad, although he died on a significant date so there is always a reminder. Does he remember other significant dates? Sorry you are feeling upset about his lack of empathy.

Ginger1982 · 11/08/2019 00:04

Sorry for your loss but I don't think it's necessary reasonable to expect partners to remember. My dad died 23 years ago. I don't think DH ever remembers the date until I mention it in passing, though to be fair this happened years before I met him. Obviously if your DH knew your mum and was around when she died you may think differently.

ZazieTheCat · 11/08/2019 00:25

If it helps, they way I deal with it is I remind my DH it’s coming up by starting to light a candle in the living room in remembrance in the run up to the anniversary of her death. And then he’s very supportive, but not under pressure to remember himself. I find with him I can either expect him to remember on his own or expect him to think of doing something supportive on his own, and I’d rather remind him and get the nice gesture.

What works better though is that we do something to celebrate my mum’s birthday. So we’ll go out and buy a present for her. That’s usually something that is the kind of thing I would have chosen for her, but also something that will remind me of her in a good way if I miss her e.g. her favourite perfume or a scented candle in a scent she would have liked. Then we go for a meal out- the kind of place we would have taken her on her birthday. Or buy a cake for her. Part of the reason it works is that my mum’s birthday is the day before our niece’s, so there’s a natural reminder there, plus it’s only a few weeks after the anniversary of her death.

That’s worked really well, to the point that he’s started independently buying my mum a Christmas present, or asking me if I want to go to pick a joint one for her from us both. Again though, I do light a candle to remember my mum by every evening in December so he gets a regular reminder.

I’m hoping in time (she died 11 years ago), I’ll be able concentrate more on the regular birthday/Xmas celebrations about my mum, rather than mark the anniversary of her death.

CherryPavlova · 11/08/2019 00:32

I think it’s an unreasonable expectation. It wasn’t his relative and he has no real reason to remember. Most people move on at about the two year mark. Eight years is a long time to,be feeling grief every day. Have you considered seeking support?

echt · 11/08/2019 02:24

Most people move on at about the two year mark. Eight years is a long time to,be feeling grief every day. Have you considered seeking support?

Seriously??? I can only imagine you've never been bereaved. It's nothing to do with it's not being his relation, it's the relation of his wife, and that is enough. Her comfort, her feelings are paramount here.

For this who've said he doesn't know how to deal with it, all he has to do is remember it.

I have a paper calendar in the kitchen with all dates put up in advance to remind us.

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