No one remembers, no one cares

[Fortythreeandfatasfuck]

So it's the 8year anniversary today of my mum passing away. No one remembers, not even dh even though its marked on the sodding calendar :-( given that we've had a row the last 3 years running as he didn't remember, am I being unreasonable to think you'd make more of an effort to remember given how much it upsets me? For context we've been together 23 years, if the tables were turned I would have remembered. I don't want any grand gestures, just a bloody acknowledgement that I might be hurting today and need a hug. The only person who did ever remember was my best friend but she died last year so I'm feeling doubly sad today

Am I expecting to much? Just a hug, a cuppa?

barely anyone mentions or remembers the anniversary of my son's death six years ago and I had the first anniversary of my mum's death earlier this year and although I messaged with my step dad and sister, and we supported each other, it wasn't remembered by my DH or ACs. It hurts. I sympathise.

@CherryPavlova

Your comment was rather insensitive.

@CherryPavlova

Your comment was rather insensitive.

I echo those saying your expectations are high.

I don't remember dates like this, they aren't important to me.

What do you want him to do? 8 years is quite a long time.

I'm so sorry you felt alone yesterday. It wouldn't hurt to just give you a hug or whatever.
My mum died fourteen years ago and my DH usually buys me a little bunch of flowers with a note saying 'thinking of you' or whatever.
His mum died a couple of years ago and because he leaves early for work, I text him a similar message. It really doesn't take much effort for just a little gesture to make someone feel a little better

Jemima232 Insensitive? Surely it’s better to advise the OP to seek support if they have a complicated grief reaction? Far kinder than platitudes. It really is a very long time to be grieving on a daily basis.

“There is no absolute time frame within which grief is considered pathological, although there are cultural norms that serve as guidelines. A person might be judged as being "stuck" if they are still actively grieving 18 to 24 months after their loss. An unremitting 'overly intense' grief process of shorter duration might also be labeled as pathological. Keeping these guidelines in mind, know that it is very much appropriate to encourage people who appear to be stuck in their grief process to seek professional grief counselling.”

Like previous posters, the actual date doesn't register with me either. DH and I have lost both parents plus 2 siblings each. I don't know any of his dates and he doesn't know mine. In fact the only one I really remember clearly is my brother because it was guy fawks and the fireworks were going off over the city as we drove in to say goodbye.

That said, you have said that it's important to you so he should make an effort. I think you need to stop getting angry about it though as that is making you miserable and not helping. Can you do something with yourself and DS to mark the day?

What would you like him to do Op? If just a hug or asking if you're ok, then that's not too much to ask at all but if you're wanting him to make a bigger gesture, then I think that's probably too much to hope for.

It's nice you spoke to your dad and you both have each other for support and comfort.

I know you have argued with him for the last few years about it.
Does this mean he did remember for the first few?
Have you calmly discussed with him what you expect?

I have a week when I have 3 significant death anniversaries. Few people I am around now, know about them and so I don't expect support. I understand you want him to acknowledge it, but he may not know how to.

I’m sorry for your loss. My DH has my dads anniversary as a reminder in his phone; he’s unlikely to remember the date by himself but it’s nice that he will then ask me how I am on that day and in the few days before it.
I don’t think it’s too much to expect your DH to find a way to remember

Instead of asking him to remember the date it might be better to tell him what you specifically need from him on that date, a hug?, space?, flowers for the grave?, watch a sad movie together to give you an opportunity to express your grief. In my experience grief is very personal so clear communication is key to having your needs met if indeed they can be met by someone else. Carrying grief tends to be a very personal journey, sometimes others no matter how well intentioned still don’t make it feel better.

Op I think I’m reading a different thread to everyone else. You have it in the calendar, you reminded him during the week and your dad rang this morning. All you want is a comment/reference/hug/tea/hour to yourself not a parade. And you’ve rowed about this for the last 3 anniversaries. I’d be really frustrated too. If he doesn’t say anything today I think I’d be really level headed with him and tell him you’re hurt and disappointed, that you don’t expect him to mark the occasion or anything but for the love of god put a reminder in his phone to give you a hug today and set a yearly alert.

Thank you name that is exactly it.... I said I just want a hug or a squeeze of my hand, some little acknowledgement, nothing else

And cherry trust me I'm not walking around crying every day, I have come to terms with her death, the point i was trying to make is that I don't just officially grieve for her on the anniversary of her death, I think of her most days, but it would be nice to have someone so close to me to understand the significance of that day to me.

Very strange responses. I don't you are unreasonable at all.