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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

My 4 year old DS keeps saying he misses his great nanny, and he can't understand that she's not coming back

31 replies

Pinkchampagne · 02/08/2007 22:18

He seems to be quite affected by news of my nan's death, and keeps saying "I miss nanny x", and sometimes crying.
He said last night "When she comes back, I'm going to give her a hug"
He doesn't seem to understand that she is not coming back & it is heartbreaking.

OP posts:

ChipButty · 02/08/2007 22:24

It is heartbreaking and very difficult for me to understand, let alone my 5 year old DS (Lost my Dad, his Grandad, suddenly in May). We just keep talking about him and hopefully one day it will be easier. Our Vicar suggested writing a message and attaching to a balloon for my children to do for my Dad. Not sure if this would help your child? Big hugs.xxx

yelnats · 02/08/2007 22:28

Not sure how to address this sorry. My uncle passed away today and dd1 is very fond of him - she saw me upset and I just explained that uncle x had died and gone up to heaven and when she looks up at the stars she will see uncle x, along with uncle x (who died last year). She asked if he had balloons up in the sky and I simply said 'yes he has lots and lots of balloonds' she seemed quite happy with that explanation.

yelnats · 02/08/2007 22:28

dd1 is 3

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 02/08/2007 22:29

The balloon idea is lovely, CB.
It is so hard isn't it? I know it is meant to get easier after the funeral, and to a point I have been trying to move on, but you get constant little reminders, especially as we are having to clear out my nan's house atm.
The boys upset is so heartbreaking. DS2 used to see lots of his great nanny, and she adored him.

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Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 02/08/2007 22:30

So sorry to hear of your uncles death, yelnats

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HappyDaddy · 02/08/2007 22:31

Dd is 3 and often asks about my dad and her dws granny. We tell her they both live with the angels and one day she will see them again, but not for a long long time.

She told dw that "I don't want to live with angels without you, mummy".

We did wonder if that explanation was a bit weak but she seems to see that they are somewhere nice but not somewhere she can go to visit, if you see what i mean. She smiles when she talks about them.

Don't know if that's any help and I'm sorry for your loss.

Nemo2007 · 02/08/2007 22:34

pinkchampagne
My DS is 4 in oct and he has been the same about my nan dying in march. He now talks to her a lot and is often mumbling to himself and you ask what hes saying and he says he is talking to Nana B. It is hard to explain it to them and especially if is the first person they know to have died.DS often talks about flying his helicopter in the clouds to talk to nana B and how she can hear him if he shouts/talks but cant answer him.

hugs to you all

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 02/08/2007 22:35

I told DS's that nanny was a star, but DS2 keeps saying "I can't see her", and "I miss nanny x"
He also just can't understand that she isn't coming back. DS1 said to him last night "She isn't coming back", and DS2 burst into tears.

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Nemo2007 · 02/08/2007 22:37

I told Ds he would never be able to see nana again as she had to live in the sky but it was better because she was ill. I also said she would always be with him which I think is why he talks to her so much.

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 02/08/2007 22:38

Bless your DS, Nemo, that is so sweet.

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ChipButty · 02/08/2007 22:39

It's heartbreaking. All you can do is keep talking and keep cuddling. Do you think your DS may be worried that the same thing is going to happen to you? I know this is something our DS had on his mind when Dad died. x

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 02/08/2007 22:42

I'm not sure, CB, I think he is having real trouble understanding it all. He keeps mentioning her, and constantly tells me that he's missing her.

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Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 02/08/2007 22:44

Mum found two unopened Christmas cards with each of my DS's names on today. Nan had obviously forgotten to give them to the boys at Christmas time, and the one to DS2 had both his real name and his pet name on the envelope.
Been feeling all weepy again over the last two days.

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Nemo2007 · 02/08/2007 22:47

pinkchampagne it is only recently she has passed so he will be confused. It can be hard to understand that someone is here one day then gone the next. As I say its 5mths since my nan passed and DS still talks to her and about her. For his age it is quite surprising as he also comes out with random comments about her.

madmumof5 · 02/08/2007 22:49

one of my dd's was very close to my mum and keeps askin why she cant see nanar again it is very hard but i have to try and explain that she was in a lot of pain and now she is with grandad and not sufferin anymore she is just startin to understand..my mum passed away in feb and i am dreadin december as it is my daughters b'day as well as xmas it is gonna be hard

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 02/08/2007 22:49

It was only 3 weeks ago, and her death was very sudden. It is hard for me to take in as an adult, so it must be very hard for the boys to understand

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Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 02/08/2007 22:56

Nemo - I remember you posting about your nan, it was around the same time as my nan suffered a stroke in the winter. It is so hard to explain it to the children, isn't it?

MMO5 - so sorry about your mum.

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WendyWeber · 02/08/2007 22:57

PC, 4 is way too young to really understand what death means and that it is permanent. I know it will be painful for you to have to keep explaining, but that's what DS2 needs, and eventually he will get it, as he gets older.

Have you tried any of those books designed to explain death to children, like Badger's Parting Gifts or Goodbye, Mousie?

Hugs for you, love. XXX

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 02/08/2007 23:00

Hadn't seen either of those books before, WW, thanks for the links.

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yelnats · 02/08/2007 23:01

Itis difficult for children to understand. As already said it is hard enough for an adult but even harder for children. Sorry to hijack your thread but i thought my dd would've been quite confused today because we only saw my uncle last night and he was perfectly healthy and died very suddenly this afternoon with no signs of ill health whatsoever.

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 02/08/2007 23:04

Really sorry, yelnats. It is hard when it is sudden & unexpected isn't it?
My nan was ok one day & then gone the next, I was planning to phone her the night she died, and it has been hard for me to take it all in, so like you say, it must be impossible for a young child.

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yelnats · 02/08/2007 23:08

yes very hard. in the last 4 years we have lost 3 aunties {all mums sisters], 3 grandparents [2 dp's and 1 mine), 3 uncles {2 of mums sisters husbands and one not real uncle but always known as]. and 5 of them were very suddenly, only 4 of them were after illnesses.
It seems to be the only time my family get together is for funerals.

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 02/08/2007 23:11

How awful for you, yelnats, I'm really sorry.

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Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 02/08/2007 23:22

It is horrible having to explain it to the boys, I hate having to go over the fact she is never coming back.
At nan's funeral, one of the points I lost it most, was when they mentioned her great grandchildren. She thought the world of my boys & they loved her to bits.

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yelnats · 02/08/2007 23:26

this is your thread pinkchampagne - please dont feel sorry for me. i am sorry for your loss - how selfish for me to not have said it earlier - my mind is lost in the clouds tonight.

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