My ex died and I am absolutely devastated

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I have just found out that my ex fiance has died. I had the urge to Google his name and found the obituary.

We were in a relationship for for 3 years, we were so alike yet so different. We were in love, he had his own demons, demons he was fighting when I ended it. I ended things a few weeks after my dad died, I went downhill and fast when he died and I shut everyone off, including him. And I ended it, and ended it badly. I didn't realise he was sending me emails still, the last one in December 2018, and he died by suicide in April 2019.

I am absolutely crushed, one email could have saved him.

I haven't been on mn in a while, I can provide the obituary and emails from him. I don't know what to do.

I’m so sorry OP. I hope someone with better advice comes on soon, but didn’t want to read and run. Please don’t blame yourself, only he is responsible for taking his life. I speak as someone who has attempted suicide more than once. Be kind to yourself x

Please don't blame yourself, it's not your fault.
Hopefully wiser women will be along soon. But honestly, it wasn't your problem to fix.

Be kind to yourself.
This is in no way your fault.

You could not have saved him.
It wasn't your job to do so.
He had demons you said so.
Could have been same outcome if you had stayed with him.
Be kind to yourself.
Speak to someone .

I’m sorry op

I know that I will be devastated when my exh dies. Not just for our child either. He was my first love. It wasn’t meant to last though.

To echo pp’s - please know that his suicide is not your fault. Please call someone close to you and talk to them.

I will do, my head is fucked. I don't know how to react, he was such a good, caring supportive man. I feel absolutely devastated for his family and friends too.

And I know in reality it was his decision, his own choice to end his life, but its just so raw. I'm looking at the obituary and the emails I didn't read and it's all swirling around my head. I'm the least important person in this equation.

You are important
Call samaritans
They are trained to listen

No, you are the most important person to yourself, and you should be. Try to find a counsellor to talk this through with, and not to fall into the trap of thinking that you could have saved him, and that it’s your fault. Of course you’re shocked and grieving, but you ended the relationship for a reason, and you acknowledge that he was having significant problems while you were with him. ‘Rescuing’ him was not your job. Be kind to yourself.

Hello, OP. We're so sorry to hear about this situation. for you.

We just wanted to pop by, as we often do, and post a link to our Mental Health webguide. When you're ready to chat to someone about all this there are lots of really handy numbers there. In the meantime, we're sure you'll get lots of support here.

Thank you I don't know why I'm taking this so hard. I'm just completely numb. I think a part of me still loves him.

As much as part of me hates my XH, I would be devastated if he died, especially in these circumstances. This is a person you loved and your grief is real.

You could not have saved him. You are not responsible.

I was looking for something and I found some dice he got me from the science museum in Philadelphia. I'm now crying my eyes out.

I shouldn't have broken up with him. I think this will be the biggest regret of my life.