Have you lost a parent? Come talk to me

[MamaG]

Its coming up to 5 years since my Dad died and I've never been back to where his ashes are scattered. I drove past there a couple of weeks ago adn asI was getting closer, my chest got tighter and tighter and it didn't ease until I was past the place, driving away.

Have you been to the grave/location of ashes/special place?

DH thinks it will help me come to terms with it to go, even if I sob and sob but I just wondered what others thought.

So sad about your baby and your Mum, MoodyMoo. Knowing they are together must be a great comfort. x

It has made the whole thing a bit more bearable to be honest. At first we were told that we would have to have our baby cremated and have her ashes scattered in the baby garden or she would go in an unmarked baby grave with upto 6 other babies. I was gutted as I didn't want either, anyway my step dad who hasn't spoke to me in 8 years (long story) got in touch thru my brothers and said I could bury her with my mum. It was such a relief, it really has given me comfort knowing that she wouldn't be on her own and that she would be somewhere I could go and vist.

I lost my dad 12 years ago, when he first died i used to go with my mum every month or so (we lived 2 hrs from where he was buried) then after about 2 years it became hard to go to his grave, not sure why but i felt like he was not there & that he would not want me there crying for him, i think this comes from his happy go lucky attitude & i used to sit & think he would rather i was sitting in my garden thinking/crying about him or just somewhere nice.

After a while i then started to feel guilty that i was not going there & made myself go & put flowers & sit there for a while (as you can see i have been through many emotions) it was peaceful sitting there but it just did not feel right!

It is now 12 years & this year i have been once so far, it only 10 minutes down the road & maybe i should be there alot more but i just don't feel right being there.

I am actually due a visit but i won't go until i want to go, until i feel the time is right, the main thing is keeping the grave maintained with fresh flowers & plants & for the reason i always feel i should go there every 2 weeks but sometimes i find it hard.

I think you will know when the time is right for you, you will cry & sit & think of many great memorys in some ways this makes it feel good, but i always feel very sad & alone when i leave.

I miss my dad so much, i wish he was here to spend time with myself & my children unfortunatly he never met my children but i know he is proud.

i lost my mum 3wks after my 15th birthday (38 now)

i used to visit grave weekly, quite normal were i come from. not been for over 15yrs since no longer live there.

to OP you need to allow yourself to grieve and it changes over time but you always grieve in some way, only it hurts less.
but the thing is you can always get caught unaware by some stray memory. it is good that you miss him, it really i a living memorial.

take care

It's been 5 and 3 yrs since I lost my dad and mum. They are burried togther 300 miles away. I have visited the grave once a yr when I go to visit friends - probably will do for a while as long as I regularly visit. Not sure if I'd go all that way just to visit the grave - probably would but not often. I think it helps to have somewhere to focus as a visit - but I don't know if I really feel that they are actually there. Jill

I lost my Mum years ago I was around 22 I think. I used to go the crematorium to grieve but haven't been since my children were born. Its a fair trip.

They have photos of her over their beds and I have one in my bedroom. I think of my Mum every day. It will help to go I think. But truthfully, I have never ever got over it, it's just that my life has changed so much and there are other things that take over my thoughts these days.

Also planting something in your garden for her would be nice, a houseplant if you are in a flat. I am going to plant some pinks which were her favourites. My sister always lights a candle next to her photograph on her birthday which is nice for her.

Hi - I lost my dad 6 months after I got married in early Jan 05, I saw him on Boxing Day and he was fine, 2 weeks later he died, I was 5 months pregnant with my first child I am now expecting my second ds and still get very tearful when thinking about it. My mum never scattered his ashes, in fact we commisioned a bird bath for the garden ( he loved his birds) and his ashes are placed in the pedestal. I really like the fact that whenever I go him, he is still there

Hi all on this thread. I lost my mum two weeks ago and dad 18 mths ago. We had dad cremated but didn't do anything with his ashes. Then when mum died we decided to have both of them buried. It was a relief as I felt I needed somewhere to go for dad. Not everyone feels like this but it was right for us. Have been a couple of times but it is hard as still so raw from losing mum. But in answer to you MamaG I do think it will help to go and just spend some time where your Dad is. Hope this helps. Sending big hugs. xx

I don't go to my parents' graves. I last saw my father's on the day we buried him, and I've not been to my mother's in a few years. I think my relatives scorn me for this.

I hated going. It make me feel worse than the guilt for not going, iyswim.

Now I realise neither place means anything to me - to me graves symbolise death, sadness, grief and pain, none of which is good to immerse myself in, especially when no good comes from it.

This is very much my own personal experience. I do know the importance of recognising and working through grief, but grave visiting didn't work for me. In some ways I wish it did.