Have you lost a parent? Come talk to me

[MamaG]

Its coming up to 5 years since my Dad died and I've never been back to where his ashes are scattered. I drove past there a couple of weeks ago adn asI was getting closer, my chest got tighter and tighter and it didn't ease until I was past the place, driving away.

Have you been to the grave/location of ashes/special place?

DH thinks it will help me come to terms with it to go, even if I sob and sob but I just wondered what others thought.

[WanderingTrelawney]

I don't go to my parents' graves. I last saw my father's on the day we buried him, and I've not been to my mother's in a few years. I think my relatives scorn me for this.

I hated going. It make me feel worse than the guilt for not going, iyswim.

Now I realise neither place means anything to me - to me graves symbolise death, sadness, grief and pain, none of which is good to immerse myself in, especially when no good comes from it.

This is very much my own personal experience. I do know the importance of recognising and working through grief, but grave visiting didn't work for me. In some ways I wish it did.

[missytrouble]

Hi all on this thread. I lost my mum two weeks ago and dad 18 mths ago. We had dad cremated but didn't do anything with his ashes. Then when mum died we decided to have both of them buried. It was a relief as I felt I needed somewhere to go for dad. Not everyone feels like this but it was right for us. Have been a couple of times but it is hard as still so raw from losing mum. But in answer to you MamaG I do think it will help to go and just spend some time where your Dad is. Hope this helps. Sending big hugs. xx

[MrsFish]

Hi - I lost my dad 6 months after I got married in early Jan 05, I saw him on Boxing Day and he was fine, 2 weeks later he died, I was 5 months pregnant with my first child I am now expecting my second ds and still get very tearful when thinking about it. My mum never scattered his ashes, in fact we commisioned a bird bath for the garden ( he loved his birds) and his ashes are placed in the pedestal. I really like the fact that whenever I go him, he is still there

[UCM]

I lost my Mum years ago I was around 22 I think. I used to go the crematorium to grieve but haven't been since my children were born. Its a fair trip.

They have photos of her over their beds and I have one in my bedroom. I think of my Mum every day. It will help to go I think. But truthfully, I have never ever got over it, it's just that my life has changed so much and there are other things that take over my thoughts these days.

Also planting something in your garden for her would be nice, a houseplant if you are in a flat. I am going to plant some pinks which were her favourites. My sister always lights a candle next to her photograph on her birthday which is nice for her.

[Acinonyx]

It's been 5 and 3 yrs since I lost my dad and mum. They are burried togther 300 miles away. I have visited the grave once a yr when I go to visit friends - probably will do for a while as long as I regularly visit. Not sure if I'd go all that way just to visit the grave - probably would but not often. I think it helps to have somewhere to focus as a visit - but I don't know if I really feel that they are actually there. Jill

[sfxmum]

i lost my mum 3wks after my 15th birthday (38 now)

i used to visit grave weekly, quite normal were i come from. not been for over 15yrs since no longer live there.

to OP you need to allow yourself to grieve and it changes over time but you always grieve in some way, only it hurts less.
but the thing is you can always get caught unaware by some stray memory. it is good that you miss him, it really i a living memorial.

take care

[ScoobyDooooo]

I lost my dad 12 years ago, when he first died i used to go with my mum every month or so (we lived 2 hrs from where he was buried) then after about 2 years it became hard to go to his grave, not sure why but i felt like he was not there & that he would not want me there crying for him, i think this comes from his happy go lucky attitude & i used to sit & think he would rather i was sitting in my garden thinking/crying about him or just somewhere nice.

After a while i then started to feel guilty that i was not going there & made myself go & put flowers & sit there for a while (as you can see i have been through many emotions) it was peaceful sitting there but it just did not feel right!

It is now 12 years & this year i have been once so far, it only 10 minutes down the road & maybe i should be there alot more but i just don't feel right being there.

I am actually due a visit but i won't go until i want to go, until i feel the time is right, the main thing is keeping the grave maintained with fresh flowers & plants & for the reason i always feel i should go there every 2 weeks but sometimes i find it hard.

I think you will know when the time is right for you, you will cry & sit & think of many great memorys in some ways this makes it feel good, but i always feel very sad & alone when i leave.

I miss my dad so much, i wish he was here to spend time with myself & my children unfortunatly he never met my children but i know he is proud.

[moodymoo]

It has made the whole thing a bit more bearable to be honest. At first we were told that we would have to have our baby cremated and have her ashes scattered in the baby garden or she would go in an unmarked baby grave with upto 6 other babies. I was gutted as I didn't want either, anyway my step dad who hasn't spoke to me in 8 years (long story) got in touch thru my brothers and said I could bury her with my mum. It was such a relief, it really has given me comfort knowing that she wouldn't be on her own and that she would be somewhere I could go and vist.

[ChipButty]

So sad about your baby and your Mum, MoodyMoo. Knowing they are together must be a great comfort. x

[moodymoo]

I lost my mum when I was 15, at first we visited her grave every weekend without fail, but after a year we started to cut back to every few weeks and then once a month. I have always found it calming to visit my mum.when I got married last year I had a special arrangement made for her on the day and took it to the grave the following day - that was probably one of the hardest visits I made. In March I buried my baby with my mum and I find it comforting to think that she is being looked after by her grandma. I have had to force myself not to visit too much though as I could quite easily go every day.
My Dh's mum was cremated when she died and he gets so upset at not having somewhere to go and visit her. We have talked about getting a bench or something in her memory just so that he has somewhere to go.
It really is just down to individual choice -you shouldn't force yourelf to go to the grave if you don't want to. There are lots of other ways you can remember a person without going to the grave.
The best advice I was given when I was upset because I couldn't get to the grave was to buy some flowers or a plant that the person would have liked and put them in my home. It worked for me.
It is awful when we loose someone we love but I know from experience that whilst you never get over it you do get used to it and each day gets a little easier.
Big hugs to all on this thread x

[ChipButty]

Dad died suddenly in May. The place where we scattered his ashes was flooded in June. I found this upsetting but I carry him in my heart always. The place where I feel closest to him is in his garden at my Mum's: He spent half his life out there! Crying now. Just wanted to send sympathetic thoughts to everyone in this dreadful situation. xx

[heifer]

Hi MamaG...

I have unfortunately lost both my parents, my dad 5 years ago and my mum 1.5 years ago.

My dads ashes are scattered around a tree near where I live (and where I grew up)

My mum is buried in the church just by the woods..

We didn't scatter my dads ashed until the day of my mums funeral (as just never seemed the right time etc).. and I have to admit that I do go there often.

Mostly because the tree right next to the path, but everything I go past I touch the tree and say hi to my dad (DD says hi to grandpa, even though she never met him).. realised the other day that she actually thought he was in the tree!....

I have to admit to not visiting my mums grave all that often anymore, I did when she first passed away, and did get a lot of comfort from it (and I did sob and sob)

but actually find it harder now and don't really get much from visiting the grave... but it's nice to know that it is there should I wish to go.

I would fully recommend that you go and go until you no longer sob and sob as it definately does get easier and it think you will find some benefit - but maybe not the first time you visit, it may take a few times..

I am moving away from here soon and I have no idea how I will feel being so far away from why they lie (although I know that they are in heaven etc)....

Go for it MamaG but as I said you may have to go a couple of times to really feel the benefit... hugs being sent your way (and I don't often do hugs)...

[jhyesmum]

Hi, i hope you don't mind me dropping in. I'm so glad has started a thread like this.

I lost my mum on 21st May to Cancer. She was 60 and 1 day! She was only diagnosed in March, so the last few months have been a complete blur.

I miss her like crazy. She was my best friend as well as a fantastic mum.

I visit her grave a few times a week. I go for a chat sometimes a cry too.

So sorry to everyone else who have lost their wonderful parents. I still have a fab dad, so at least i have him.

(((((hugs)))))

[Tinker]

Sorry to everyone on here who has also lost a parent - crap isn't it?

[purpleflower]

Forgot to add that I'm so sorry for all those that have lost one or both of their parents recently. I don't think I have ever truely come to terms with it but it does get easier. I carry her with me wherever I go and love her no less than when she was here with me.

[purpleflower]

I lost my mum 7 1/2 years ago when I was 13. Her ashes were buried at my local church. I normally go there either on her birthday or the date she died, this year I've been more, my brothers wedding and my sons baptism is on Sunday. I also took my son not long after he was born.

I don't really feel her there and couldn't go for a year or so. I think as others have said its more symbolic. I do shed a tear or two after but it leaves me feeling better and somehow closer. It's very hard to describe the feeling I get. I dred going but feel better after.

I'm sorry if this post doesn't make alot of sense but I have to go to the church for baptism preperation tonight so I will have to see her (she is on the way to the entrance I cant avoid it)so I am a bit emotional about it today.

Whatever you decide make sure it is for you and not anybody else, we all deal with things in our own way.

[PavlovtheCat]

tinker - meant to say sorry for loss of you mum too. Mum died 6 months ago, i am only just coming to terms, in fact, feel tearful just being on this thread...

[bundle]

my family scattered my dad's ashes a couple of months after her died, in a quiet bit of the park where he met my mum, more than 40 years ago. it was a very ordinary yet tender moment. no tears. I haven't been back but I will. and my mum wants to be scattered there with him. we did it on the quiet in case parky got involved!

[PavlovtheCat]

mum is always with me. I have a year old DD and everytime I see her do something for the first time, i remember mum, like i promised her i would.

I am made up of her, my dd is made up of her. She is not gone. Just not here in her own form.

Same as your dad MamaG. You do not need to go visit where he was scattered to be close to him. But you might find it gives you a focus, a direction in which to grieve/remember.

[forsale]

i lost my dad 16 years ago and my mum nearly 10 years ago. They are buried together in a cemetary. I dont go as often as I should

[NorthernMusgrave]

How are you now Tinker?

[MamaG]

thanks all, sorry to hear about your losses too

[Tinker]

I think it'd be perfectly fine to go and see your dad's grave at the same time. If you want to. I think that'd be absolutely understandable.

[mummy2jake]

tinker thats how i feel in a way my dads with me in my thoughts every day

thing is my dps mother is being cremated a week thursday and thats where my dads buried so its going to be a hard day for everyone dont want to be seen as greiving for dps mother then nipping off to see my dads grave.

[PavlovtheCat]

mum died in jan, dad died in may.

Mum had ashes scattered on glastonbury tor, went three weeks ago. She was not there. I did not feel her there anyway. It helped me come to terms with her not being here anymore, I think perhaps the very fact that I did not feel her made it more 'real' i guess.

my dad - scattered at the crematorium, did not go funeral, will not go to visit. long story for another time.

My mum though, never went to where her mum was buried, she would not/could not do it. She had a lot of unresovled issues, and I wonder if she might have found peace with some of those isues, if she had gone to visit.

For me, although mum is not there, its a place I can go to talk to her, its s symbolic place to me, rather than an actual place where she is.

Sobbing is good and healthy and often much much needed, esp as part of the healing process. I am not there yet.

I hope you find the answer you are looking for.