My daughter committed suicide

[MisguidedAngel]

She left a note saying sorry to everyone and one to me with all her pin numbers and bank details. She hanged herself. Obviously I feel terrible. I was with her for three weeks just before (I live abroad), I knew she was very depressed but nobody realised how bad it was. No previous mental health issues, just lots of losses, rejections and pain starting with an unpleasant divorce. She couldn't envisage a future. Her friends are devasted too, she put on a good front.

But what I really want to ask is: why does there have to be a post mortem? It would appear to be completely straightforward. The Coroner's office won't even let me have her phone and laptop or the notes, although I can read them when I get there. And they won't give a reason. I'm beginning to feel really scared. Is this normal?

I would have looked for support from MN before, but she was on it and knew my nn though I didn't know hers and don't know if she ever posted. She was only 51.

So very sorry for your terrible loss.

So very sorry for your loss, MisguidedAngel. Unimaginable pain.

I'm so sorry for your loss

Sorry for your loss.

Just be assured that when people get into the deepest darkest place even when there are people who love them and support them they just find it too difficult to approach people for help. You sound like a loving mother and I hope that you find the support and comfort you need in real life but this place is a good place to come especially as you have found for those times when others aren't available.

Poor poor darling. What an utterly dreadful thing to have happened to you and your family. So sorry about the loss of your darling daughter.

Sending love & strength

We have been through a very similar thing and my heart goes out to you all. I’d echo what everyone else has said - a PM and an inquest are routine.

We also found that all the officials were very kind and sympathetic to us. In our case it took 5 weeks to get the body back.

You need to appoint a funeral director who will deal with this .

You mentioned about staying in her flat and I’d suggest that you don’t do that and stay in a hotel or Air BnB if you can afford it. It may be that after you have visited a few times and cleared up, you feel it reminds you more of the happy times you had with your Dd and less of her last few hours. It’s different for everyone.

I’d urge you very strongly to call the SOBS helpline, it’s staffed by other bereaved parents who have been there and they are excellent. They know the answers to all these practical questions that trouble you, as well as understanding the pain and loss.

You need to start planning for the funeral even though you can’t set a date yet. I’m assuming she didn’t have children but there wil be many friends and colleagues who will want to show their respects and say goodbye to her. It sounds like work was a big part of her life and you will want to honour that.

It’s important that you think about this now and find a celebrant who has some experience of thes circumstances . If your daughter was not religious then you might think about getting a humanist celebrant. Otherwise you can contact her local parish priest or vicar.

I know it’s tempting to consider just the bare minimum of a quick 15 mins at the crematorium but I’d urge you to also have a separate event which is a celebration of her life.

I know it’s hard to think about that right now when you are overwhelmed by grief and shock. But many people who don’t have a proper funeral regret it later.

I know you say there was a painful divorce but you will still need to contact her ex, friends from hobbies etc. Can you find others to help you with this ?

OP it's worth thinking about choosing an undertaker now and ringing them and giving details as one day you'll just get a phone call from a coroner's assistant saying they're releasing her body from wherever the PM was done, usually a hospital, then the undertaker goes to collect her.

When Rachel died we found the Coroner's lady that I liaised with was lovely and we went to see her with her boyfriend of 7 years as she had questions for us to answer, like if she was on any drugs which she wasn't and the toxicology result confirmed this. Also you can have a copy of the PM report if you like. They won't tell you this, to save on paperwork, but you have a legal right to one and if you ask they'll post it. They also send one to her GP. If there are things on it that you don't understand you cango to see her GP. We went to see him as it was quite technical and he explained things better.

Yappy and ImnotNigel thank you for your advice. Maybe I need to think again about the funeral. I had planned just family, green burial and ask her work colleagues to have their own celebration of her life separately. I didn't think I could handle all those people I don't know. I have time to reconsider and I am meeting one of them when I'm over there. I should acknowledge their feelings.

I have a recommendation for a funeral director and plan a meeting next week.

This is being so valuable to me, all your condolences and some very valid advice. I will continue to take it all on board. And I have applied to have access to the SOBs forum and might phone the helpline. Thanks again for the link from a pp.

The weather is lovely here and I am going to the beach with a friend this afternoon and we will probably swim even though the water is only about 13 C. It will be the first time I've left the house since I heard.

I didn't think I could handle all those people I don't know. I have time to reconsider and I am meeting one of them when I'm over there. I should acknowledge their feelings

I can understand why you might feel this way. But you may find meeting them to be very helpful. They knew a side of your Dd that you never knew ( her In work mode ) and will have insights into her life that will add to your memories of her.

Also these people were important to her in life, she obviously cared a lot about her job and it was a big part of who she was. You want to remember her life in all its fullness and richness.

Although the illness that took her away from you and her tragic death are uppermost in your minds right now, these things don’t define her. In time , these awful things will reduce in intensity and you will be able to remember more of your happy times together.

When the death is as sudden and shocking as this, it’s extra hard to plan a funeral as everyone ie still reeling from the shock and guilt. It’s so hard to focus on her life rather her that her death, but that’s part of the job of a good celebrant , to guide you along that path.

I know it's hard to think of all of those people and the funeral, but she sounds like a lovely girl who will have left a lot of shocked and upset friends and colleagues that would want to pay their respects and say goodbye. Could you lean on the funeral director and friends and let them help organise and provide support?

I hope you've had some fresh air and sun today to help you breathe a little and hopefully help you sleep tonight.

I'm so sorry for your lose, you poor, dear woman. I have no words of comfort for you except to say that hopefully she is now at peace and her soul is free from turmoil. It may help you to realise that other people cared, feel her lose and feel for you in your time of need. God bless you and the family

You're right. I am getting messages from her friends. Her work colleagues are devastated and they want to help me. I will be meeting with one woman later this week.

I have spoken with the liaison officer who assures me that there is no upsetting evidence in the flat. She is meeting me there with copies of the notes and with the phone. I can't have the phone but I can request specific contact details.
I have been emailing my friends, who are all round the world, and getting so much loving support from them.
'

I am so sorry OP. 😢

I'm so sorry MisguidedAngel
I lost my son to suicide six yrs ago next week.
Like your situation, he was in the UK, I was overseas (where he'd been living also before returning to the YK 8 weeks before he killed himself).
I had to fly from Australia back to London when I got the news.
Post mortem is standard as pp have said.
Be prepared that you may have to wait what will feel like an unbearably long time for her body to be released, but do get in touch with funeral director asap. They'll guide you through the process.
I had to formally identify my son. I don't know if this has been discussed with you.
It was the worst thing I have ever had to do.
Also in our case it was a very long wait for the inquest. You won't be obligated to attend that but it'll be a while before you have to decide that.
I send you my deepest condolences. What you're going through is unendurable. Yet we DO endure.
I still don't know how.

Sorry for your loss OP

I'm so sorry for your loss, and my heart goes out to those of you who have been through this unimaginable pain. You are in my thoughts tonight.

I'm so sorry, sending you love 💕

I'm so sorry OP. So sad to read. Poor her. Poor you.

DD sounds like an amazing person and what a testament to her that people are keen to celebrate her having been part of their lives. You must do what feels right to you when it comes to arrangements, I'm in total awe of how you are dealing with, I cannot imagine. Sending you so much love

A terrible and unbearable loss for you. My sincerest condolences. Unless I have missed something you do not mention whether there are siblings or her father although you have mentioned friends and colleagues. When things like this happen I know, from experience of loss by suicide of a son in his twenties, that it is easy to retreat into a state of wanting to do what is right for you which is natural. I had to remember that my son was also a brother, he had a father, although we were separated, he had friends and work colleagues and ALL were very deeply affected by his death. My experience of allowing them all to step in and play a part in the arrangements or to help, even in a small way was not only comforting for me but was healing and helpful for them too. Your daughter was the sum of many parts and whilst it is, inevitably raw and difficult now, I think you will be surprised to find that not only can you "handle all those people" but you will be comforted to know how many people cared about your daughter. In my experience I found that reachiing out to comfort them actually comforted me too. Don't get too bound up in this place it will serve its purpose and give you anonymity to vent your feelings and express your grief but it is in the real life, and with real friends that you will find your pathway to acceptance and the way forward. Good courage.

Thank you for your very insightful post isme10

I did soon realise that it's not just me - the situation now is that a close work friend of DD1 (don't like the acronym but it makes things clearer) is liaising with DD2 on arrangements for the wake.

Apparently more than 100 people want to come, and her company are being extremely helpful in locating a venue and arranging the catering. They even have a scheme that offers bereavement counselling to staff and family.

DD2 is looking after her father, my ex. She is also communicating with friends and distant cousins. She is getting support from her own friends and her husband. There are no children on either side.

You're also right that MN posters helped me at first, and now I am getting so much RL support that I don't need you any more. Thank you everybody for your caring and prompt responses to my first posts. And the advice from people who have sadly been in my place.