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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

My daughter committed suicide

71 replies

MisguidedAngel · 31/05/2019 14:35

She left a note saying sorry to everyone and one to me with all her pin numbers and bank details. She hanged herself. Obviously I feel terrible. I was with her for three weeks just before (I live abroad), I knew she was very depressed but nobody realised how bad it was. No previous mental health issues, just lots of losses, rejections and pain starting with an unpleasant divorce. She couldn't envisage a future. Her friends are devasted too, she put on a good front.

But what I really want to ask is: why does there have to be a post mortem? It would appear to be completely straightforward. The Coroner's office won't even let me have her phone and laptop or the notes, although I can read them when I get there. And they won't give a reason. I'm beginning to feel really scared. Is this normal?

I would have looked for support from MN before, but she was on it and knew my nn though I didn't know hers and don't know if she ever posted. She was only 51.

OP posts:

itbemay1 · 31/05/2019 15:53

Oh darling. I am so sorry for your loss. Sending hugs

WLAH · 31/05/2019 15:53

Sorry for your loss

Usingmyindoorvoice · 31/05/2019 15:54

I am so sorry, it must be like living a nightmare,

I’ve heard of this organisation, maybe it can help
uksobs.org/

Toooldtocareanymore · 31/05/2019 16:00

I am so sorry for you, and all your family and friends. What an awful situation you are in.

I believe a pm is very normal in these situations, not only to determine what happened with a sudden death, but also to help see if additional answers can be found so we can try prevent another loving mother having to go through what you are. For example had your daughter been on some medication that made situation worse , you'd want to know that, and in that case they might find an inquest is required.

you will get her items back in time.

take care of yourself.

Soontobe60 · 31/05/2019 16:04

I can't.begin to imagine how you must be feeling at the moment.
This link may help. www.cruse.org.uk/get-help/traumatic-bereavement/suicide
Regarding the PM, even though your daughter took her own life, the cause of death may not be determined to be suicide. That is why they need her laptop etc to see if there were any prior searches made on suicide, and any notes etc left. At the moment, you will probably be completely unable to think straight. This will pass. 💕

MadisonAvenue · 31/05/2019 16:07

I'm so sorry

Peperpiperpickedwrong · 31/05/2019 16:15

So sorry for your loss

Purplecatshopaholic · 31/05/2019 16:15

OMG OP, I am so very sorry. This has only just happened so your head will be all over the place. Please keep coming on here for support

SirVixofVixHall · 31/05/2019 16:20

Oh op I am so terribly sorry. How horrendous for you.
As pps have said, a PM is normal for any death where the person has not been seen by a doctor in the lead up, and where the death is not expected. Traumatic for you, but they need to establish suicide and rule out murder in any case of a sudden, violent death.
I imagine once suicide is proved then they wil release all her things back to you.
I once found a neighbour dead. He had died of natural causes but as it was unexpected the police guarded his premises until they had taken his body for the PM, and taken a look around where he was living.
When a friend committed suicide it was slightly more straightforward as he had told a doctor the day before that he was suicidal ( yet hadn’t been sectioned 😡😡😡) his family still had to wait for the official cause of death.
Is there anyone who can give you a timescale ? Hopefully they will be a bit more supportive soon.

dottiedodah · 31/05/2019 16:28

This is fairly standard practice in UK.Sudden heart attacks are also subject to a PM here.Do you have friends or family here at all for some support ?.The Samaritans have 24 hour helplines ,(116123 from any phone anywhere in UK).The truth is no one can possibly know what goes through some elses mind ,even a close relative .Big Big hugs To you xx.Sometimes Life can simply seem too much for someone and they cant see a way forward .God bless xx

Yappy12 · 31/05/2019 19:24

I am so sorry OP. We lost our daughter 22, only child, last April to SADS so know what you're going through.

Yappy12 · 31/05/2019 19:26

There has to be a PM to be sure that hanging caused her death. Strange as it may sound, someone could have killed her then made it look like a hanging. That's why they have to be sure.

Redred2429 · 31/05/2019 19:27

I am sorry for your loss x

Yappy12 · 31/05/2019 19:34

Just want to add that the PM will be done within a few days then she'll be released back to you and an undertaker and you'll be able to see her if you want to. Any sudden death, even if it's obviously suicide, means police are called out and a post mortem ordered by the coroner. They took my daughter's phone and laptop but we got them back when they knew it was natural causes. They'll take copies of her letters and you'll get them back. There'll also probably be an inquest. With suicide there usually is.

Yogagirl123 · 31/05/2019 19:42

So sorry for your loss OP. I have seen the devastation such a loss causes, I know nothing can soothe your pain. There are charities that can offer emotional support and counselling when you are ready.

Original poster

MisguidedAngel · 01/06/2019 01:48

I just typed a long message and lost it with fat fingers.
Thank you for the links, I am going to follow up.
There is to be a postmortem, it will take up to three weeks before they release the body.

I am dreading going to her flat on Tuesday. I have just woken up in the middle of the night and suddenly realised there might be physical evidence there, damage to the structure where I think she must have done it. My partner is trying as hard as he can to be supportive but that would probably affect him more than me, I think I'm emotionally stronger than him anyway, and feeling numb most of the time now.

I could ask the liaison police officer, but I think I'm afraid of the answer.

OP posts:

Empathy56 · 01/06/2019 01:53

So very sorry for your loss Op.I think a pm is standard procedure in these circumstances.Thinking of you at this very sad time.

Original poster

MisguidedAngel · 01/06/2019 02:03

Yappy12 I had to look up SADS. How awful, and she was so young.

I have read that loss by suicide is extra traumatic. But the way I feel now, I think it would be worse if it was something like that, or a terrible illness or accident.

She just decided her life wasn't worth living. Such a loss, she was so clever and so good at her job. A colleague rang me yesterday and said that everyone was shocked, everyone was saying how much they respected her. She was such a good boss. When I was there she was working from home, when she was working, on conference calls a lot, and I could hear people saying things like: oh, now I understand, thank you. That was so helpful. That meeting was very productive, thank you.

She was often having to guide and direct people with more seniority but a different speciality than her in another part of the team and I could hear her doing it so diplomatically and calmly - but I know she felt she wasn't dealing with that aspect as well as she usually did. She felt frustrated She felt she wasn't performing up to her usual standard, which I know was way higher than most other people's.

It really helps to talk about her like this, I hope it's ok. Can't do it in RL without crying all the time. My closest friend is in UK and my best support through emails right now.

OP posts:

Mini2017 · 01/06/2019 02:08

I’m so so sorry for your loss.

Honeyroar · 01/06/2019 02:25

I'm so sorry. You must be in shock, totally up and down. Will your partner go with you?

It's only early evening here if you want to keep talking I'm around.x

Jaspermcsween · 01/06/2019 02:25

You poor darling x

Original poster

MisguidedAngel · 01/06/2019 03:46

I'm still up, I've been looking at support groups and avoiding my feelings with The Good Wife on Prime. Yes, my partner is coming with me. He doesn't like flying, he doesn't like being in England, he doesn't want to leave his garden but he's coming with me. I can't fault him on his commitment to helping me, but nevertheless I feel I have to protect him. I was just thinking maybe we should go to a hotel the first night. Perhaps I should ask the liaison officer about damage. Perhaps one of the people up thread who have sadly gone through this will have an opinion later.

OP posts:

curiositycreature · 01/06/2019 03:53

So sorry for your loss

Your daughter sounds like an asset to that company, hopefully they can be of some support to you if you need them.

I should think you could ask the liaison officer to give you any warnings about how her flat looks before you go in there - damage or not. Definitely worth asking.

Where are you staying if not a hotel?

Honeyroar · 01/06/2019 03:53

Where would you stay the remaining nights? I'd stay at the hotel as much as possible, if you can.

I'm sure someone with more experience will be back soon.

Rachelle11 · 01/06/2019 04:19

I am so terribly sorry for your loss. She sounds like she was an amazing person and dedicated worker.

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