I know I have to do this but I don't know how.

[WatcherOfTheNight]

I have spent most of the day hiding & in tears again,I am trying my best to get myself together but I can't hold them back .

Ds has been asking for the Christmas tree & decorations to be put up & I feel awful because Ive been so useless recently & promised him we'd to do it today .
He has made so much progress,he deserves
some happiness & normality.

We've got it all out & although slow ,progress is being made but
It's breaking my heart . This is something we ALL did together & even the last 2 years when DD was in uni we waited & did it when she came home no matter the date.

I found it so very hard last year but we got it done & I think although heartbroken I was numb so this year feels worse ,I don't know if it's because the shock is wearing off but I feel utterly drained ,I can't face any of it ,I don't want to shop ,wrap decorate ,none of it . I feel I've no more to give.
Half the time I can't even get myself together enough to remember to brush my teeth.
People must think I've lost it.

I'm doing what I must for DS & the dogs & that's it. I've got nothing else in me.
I just want to sleep & for the pain to go away
:(

I know logically there's nothing anyone can say or do but if anyone does have any advice on how I can get a bloody grip & get through it I'd really appreciate it .

I know & keep telling myself we aren't the only ones going through this so I should pull myself together but I just don't know how right now .

Sorry you are feeling this way. Whom have you lost if you don't mind sharing

Not at all @RadioGagga ,thank you for asking ,it's my DD .
She was my eldest & it was so sudden,it was from SADS we found out eventually.
I didn't realise I hadn't said ,my heads a mess so I don't think I'm making much sense here or IRL.

That must have been a horrible shock, especially as sads is so unexpected! Have you not got dp's who could help out? Family? DH? I know that nothing is going to take that pain away, but it would help to have someone to lean on.

Order his gifts online if you can. I found the shops hard to bear when I was grieving at Christmas time. So many people queuing furiously for stuff they didn’t need.

And though I am not religious, I found church services a comfort. I think because they always recognise that many people are having a hard time at Christmas so I felt less alone.

Also, could your DS join in with a friends family for some of the Christmassy activities if you are finding it too hard? I am sure they would understand and be glad to scoop him up into their celebrations.

Watcher I am so sorry for your loss. You do what you need to do to get you through the next minute, hour, day, week. Sometimes all you can do is breathe.
It is hard to grieve for one child and live for another. Your fractured heart is pulled in more ways than you can cope with. You want to be the same as you always were for their sake but that person died alongside your child, it is just a shadow left. It is so bloody hard. I am so very sorry

@Singlenotsingle thank you for asking.
My DP are not helping at the moment,it's very much "pull yourself together " vibe & I so wish I could as I am the master of the brave face & have put on a front but these last few weeks I just can't do it anymore,I don't even want to see them recently.
I've never had a close relationship with them & feel they've already moved on if that's what you call it.

My DH has really struggled,he couldn't do anything at all ,I chose everything for the funeral ,he can barely see a photo of her but recently he's been amazing here ,everything would've fallen apart if it wasn't for him.
He has taken over the food shopping ,and although I get up & do breakfast/packed lunch he takes & collects Ds from school ,football etc.
I feel terrible that I can't cope,I broke down last week & told him how much I am struggling but I think he knew as I go lie down whenever I can now.

Christmas was my thing,well mine & dd really ,she loved it so much & we did most of it together with DH & DS "helping"

It's only recently passed the 1st anniversary of her death & then my birthday ,i didn't want to see anyone but I did & now it feels like it's too much all at once.

Didn't want to read and run... I imagine it must be incredibly hard right now with the first anniversary just passing and now Christmas. In the long run I wonder if counselling for you and DH and DS might help. Wishing you strength over the next few weeks

Watcher Christmas is an amazing time of year but it’s also the hardest when you associate it with someone who isn’t here anymore. I can’t imagine what you’re going through but agree with pp shops are unbearable online would probably be better. It’s very soon to try to create new traditions but in time you’ll get there x

So sorry OP - grief just wipes out one's energy & joy doesn't it? And the loss of a child must be impossibly painful. Don't think you can do anything to 'get a grip' to be honest; you have struggled through the first year and now you are doubly exhausted. Many people say that the second year is worse as we start to fully realise that this is it and it can't be fixed however hard we try. My partner died almost 18months ago and I'm mostly just going through the motions.
Two things have helped. One was a counsellor who, when I was frantically asking what I needed to do to feel less overwhelmed, less utterly miserable, said 'just let it be - it will run its own course'. The other was hearing about the fried egg theory of grief (www.loistonkin.com/growing-around-grief.html) which has a similar pragmatic message. It's much easier for me though, my kids have children of their own and don't need me to make Christmas happen.
Don't know what support might be available to you - on-line forums, counselling, relatives or friends - but I hope you do feel able to ask for help. And are there other people around who could step in and do Christmassy things with your DS to take the pressure off you?
Sorry not to have any answers. Sending unMNy hugs.

Thank you @Watchingthetelly ,I think you are right that counselling might eventually help .
DS has had a course of play therapy through a charity & although he is still having a hard time he has improved,he now sleeps in his own room again & his attendance is better.

I managed my initial assessment for PTSD but haven't managed to go back .
It was the week before the first anniversary & MIL had a terrible fall & ended up in hospital.
She'd not been well for weeks & once admitted they found she had a water infection .
She wasn't with it at all ,we were so worried,she kept telling us dd was getting on her nerves,we thought she'd forgotten which was so upsetting.

DH won't even entertain it ,I don't know if that will change in future.
He & I both felt that all we need is her back which obviously won't happen so what's the point ?
After seeing DS improve though I more open to try again in future.

Thank you @Littleelffriend ,it is magical & DD embraced it with all she had .
From a little girl she loved to give & saved her pocket money so that she could buy or make her own little gifts,we didn't need tinsel in this house,she was the sparkle .

Thank you @Oldstyle & thank you for the link ,I'm so sorry you are grieving too.
Getting through this time of year without someone you love so much is awful isn't it

I am going to hit the online sites tomorrow ,I know I have to get DS & DNs sorted at least.
Ds has asked for 2 items ...a motorbike (??)
& an iPad case ! No way whatsoever mate so I'm a bit stumped too.

DS & DH have finished putting the tree together now so I'm going to have another vodka & do the lights ,might wrap myself up in my gorgeous Woolly hug then & do the rest tomorrow with DDs favourite music playing.

I so appreciate you all taking the time to talk to me this evening ,you've helped distract me for long enough to feel stronger so thank you

Oh well done OP! Two vodkas at least I reckon and definitely the woolly hug and doing bugger-all until tomorrow.
Please do go back to counselling. I didn't go for long but it was such a relief having that hour where I didn't have to pretend or smile or pull myself together. And I could repeat myself or witter on or just cry and it was all fine. It felt like a gift to myself. It doesn't change the reality but it does provide a bit of space, a moment of 'time out' to deal with it. One day at a time. &

My heart goes out to you reading this
I think all you can do is go through the motions of these things for your son. But maybe try and do things a little differently than your family traditionally would- maybe slightly different food, go out walks you havent done before etc. if It will get easier I promise.

Thank you @Ooplesandbanoonoos ,we will try to do that.
I did most of the tree with Ds,I've got so many decorations that Dd & he have made over the years ,one is from her first year at nursery ,I've not managed to put them on yet .
I have also ordered some gifts online but it's so hard seeing so many things my Dd would've loved.
I don't know what to get for middle Dn ,her & Dd we're so close ,she would've known .

I can't stop crying again today,trying to get myself together though.
I've just received another screening appt for January & Ds is off school again (long story)
School are useless & are hindering not helping .
Had a bit of a to do with DM also,it's just too much ,I just want to be left alone ,
not have to other issues to deal with when everything is already so hard.

These poor DDogs need walking ,need to take some deep breaths & calm down !

Take it hour by hour not day by day. So get through something have lunch get through next bit have tea get through next bit shower then bed. I know you might not feel like eating /bed at set times etc but trying to have a bit of a structure to the day and take it in small chunks might feel less overwhelming so it's not about getting through the 2 week festive period its trying to do something nice with DS for an hour in the morning, go for a walk after lunch etc .

Yes that's what I usually try to do & was managing if a sort but these last few weeks I just seem too have fallen apart .
It would be a bit easier if people could just leave me be or at least be mindful of what they say /txt

I've done a few chores & some washing Now sat on her bed crying again .

Hi, your story touched me because your circumstances are so similar to mine. My daughter died very suddenly in November 2007 at the age of 22 so we're 11 years down the line now, this was a complete shock, policeman-at-the-door event. I have to say that the second Christmas without her was the hardest one to bear, the first one we were on autopilot because everything seemed so unreal and we were still at the stage when everyone was being incredibly kind to us. By the next year there seemed to be a general expectation that we had somehow "got over it" which of course we hadn't and it was unbelievably tough, but surviving that Christmas did seem to mark a bit of a turning point and the next one was easier. As the years have gone by I've found that significant dates matter less and less, I think about her all the time so it really doesn't make any difference if it's Christmas or the anniversary of her death or whatever. Today is her birthday and I don't feel any different from any other day of the year, I always miss her. I don't think you ever really accept the death of a child in the way you might for an elderly person but you do learn to live with it and I promise you it does get easier. Cry if you want to, you're doing fine.

Thank you so much for writing that @heatherblue especially on such a significant day
I'm so sorry you've also been through this .

My DD was also 22 ,so sudden ,police here too.
You've written exactly what is happening to me ,particularly with how others are towards us & their expectations. I don't want help or advice just for people to be understanding & not to cause more upset when I'm struggling.
I've been asked twice this week what's wrong .... really ??? I can't even be bothered to say anything now.

You are right about it not mattering what day it is as we miss them every day,I think I thought I'd get through this year a bit better than last .

I feel like a terrible mother at the moment ,my Ds deserves more

How old is your son? I'm sure he loves you and knows what you're going through and that you're doing the best you can for him. I also have a younger son and the day he turned 23 was a strange one, it was very weird to think he was older than his sister now.

He is 11 ,10 when it happened .
He was here so saw things no little boy should & has struggled so much .
They were very close despite the age gap.

I spoke with his head of year again yesterday & I think we are finally getting somewhere with them which is a huge relief.
I didn't realise how much I was affected by what's been going on there.
My anxiety isn't as bad today though thankfully.

I find I worry so much more now ,particularly about DS,I guess you found the same ?
It's hard to know if I'm overreacting or justified in my worries recently.

@heatherblue did you find your Ds withdrew a bit initially? That's one thing that's really upset me & I so hope we will get back to where we were.
I understand if you don't want to answer,it's very personal & I find sometimes I can talk about things yet other times my mind shuts off & I can't .

My son was 20 at the time and I don't think I'd say he withdrew from us, if anything he withdrew from the rest of his life a bit. He broke up with his girlfriend of 4 years and moved back home after living in a student house in the same city, he was studying at our local uni. After graduating he left again and went to London to do an MA and then Durham for his PhD, he's now 31 and in work and about to complete on his first house purchase.

And yes I worry about him incessantly. If he's a bit slow replying to a text or email I start thinking about all the worst case scenarios.

Yes my Ds withdrew from life ,school, activities etc. He wouldn't leave our sides ,started sleeping in our room but if hugged would freeze.

Everyday is so stressful,I feel I haven't had chance to grieve as there is always something that needs sorting out .
Counselling is mentioned frequently but feels like something else I have to do but have no energy for.

I'm pleased to hear your Ds has done well with his studies,it gives me hope that eventually mine will settle & still has a chance of a good future.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me,I really appreciate it.
People are so busy at this time of year & full of festivities,they don't want to be reminded of such a depressing topic .

Re: counselling I had a good experience with Cruse. A lot of it depends on how well you gel with your counsellor and I was very lucky with mine, she was excellent. They will work with both adults and children.