I know I have to do this but I don't know how.

[WatcherOfTheNight]

I have spent most of the day hiding & in tears again,I am trying my best to get myself together but I can't hold them back .

Ds has been asking for the Christmas tree & decorations to be put up & I feel awful because Ive been so useless recently & promised him we'd to do it today .
He has made so much progress,he deserves
some happiness & normality.

We've got it all out & although slow ,progress is being made but
It's breaking my heart . This is something we ALL did together & even the last 2 years when DD was in uni we waited & did it when she came home no matter the date.

I found it so very hard last year but we got it done & I think although heartbroken I was numb so this year feels worse ,I don't know if it's because the shock is wearing off but I feel utterly drained ,I can't face any of it ,I don't want to shop ,wrap decorate ,none of it . I feel I've no more to give.
Half the time I can't even get myself together enough to remember to brush my teeth.
People must think I've lost it.

I'm doing what I must for DS & the dogs & that's it. I've got nothing else in me.
I just want to sleep & for the pain to go away
:(

I know logically there's nothing anyone can say or do but if anyone does have any advice on how I can get a bloody grip & get through it I'd really appreciate it .

I know & keep telling myself we aren't the only ones going through this so I should pull myself together but I just don't know how right now .

Yes I've heard that about counselling.
Ds has had play therapy through a charity a few months after Dds death ,we saw a little improvement after a few weeks.
I recently found out he got a place to see a counsellor at school after Christmas which I'm hoping will help.

I've been diagnosed with PTSD & had an initial appt but found it very traumatic,it's been since then that I started to feel like I'm not coping .
I didn't feel ready but gave it a go in the hope it would help .
Maybe i should've waited .

@WatcherOfTheNight I've been thinking about you and wondering how you're getting on?

Hi @heatherblue ,thank you for thinking of me ,I'm plodding on .
I'm happy its Ds last day in school today,I prefer having him home.
I feel exhausted.

Ive found it upsetting but I've managed somehow to get everything done ,some bits left to wrap ,food shop done online.

I've seen So many things I would've bought DD ,there's no getting away from it is there ?
She would've been home now ,she would've helped me with wrapping everything ,she was a good girl.

How about you ?
Are you going ok ?

Yeah it took me a few Christmases to get used to the idea I didn't have a daughter to buy for any more. I still see things I think she might like but then I have to remember she's frozen in time as a 22 year old art student, she'd be 34 now and who knows what she might want for Christmas?

I'm ok thanks, I've had a lot more time than you and it does help.

@WatcherOfTheNight

Thinking of you, your family and A

It's been four years and Christmas has never got any easier for me, it's just shit and there's no words to convey how much. I'm going up to check J's grave (we've had wreaths stolen in the children's cemetary ) I should be wrapping toys.

Hi @Pandamodium ,I'm so sorry about Js grave
I am shocked & heartbroken for you ,you've been through enough without that ,I really can't think how someone could do that!
Have you been today ? Is it ok ?
I hope so ♥️

One thing I've realised now is that it won't get easier at Christmas,there are so many reminders & no getting away from them .
The house is so quiet ,even with Ds & the 4 dogs ...it's unbearable at the moment.

I've been up most of the night again which isn't helping,I've not stopped & got a few things to wrap so I'm having a vodka ,sod it .

Have you anyone with you IRL to help you through the next week or so ? I hope you do ...
I'm sending you a virtual cwtch & want you to know I'm thinking of you

How are you both @Pandamodium & @heatherblue ?

I'm fairly chilled thanks @WatcherOfTheNight, there's no extended family so Christmas is a relatively low key affair for us these days, no manic catering to think about. My son now has the keys to his house so I've kept myself busy the last couple of days helping him assemble furniture with varying degrees of success. Ikea is a 4 letter word. How are you, is your son looking forward to tomorrow?

Huge hugs to you all. It is uplifting to see the support between mothers who have all lost so much. Hope you all manage to find moments to enjoy over the next few days.

Sending you so much love 💕

Thinking of you OP and sending and deepest sympathies for your loss.

Thank you @Gina2012 & @partystress .
There is no support for parents tbh so I'm very grateful that I've found people who understand the ups & downs.

Despite the heartache,there will be some moments of enjoyment here,I've Ds and also 3 Dnephews & 3Dneices ,some still of the age that they believe in Santa so no matter how hard it is they will make me smile .
My youngest niece is just like my Dd ,it's like watching her grow up all over again.& for all tonight

Sending you love, and strength and happy memories of your DD💐

Im sorry that you are going through this. Just take little steps. One foot in front of another. Big hugs x

Watcher I’m so sorry for you and your family. It must be so incredibly hard.

Sending you hugs and hope you find some small moments of peace in the coming days.

Love to you all, there are just no words are there 😢

Thanks everyone who thought of us ,I don't know how I didn't see the other posts but my MN has been glitchy .

Hope you are coping ok @heatherblue 
& @Pandamodium .
I have been thinking of you both over the last few days & hope you are managing to get through.
I had quite a good day today considering ,I thought I might be ok tonight but the tears have started so I'm hiding out in the bathroom for a bit .

I feel so Angry & cant imagine facing another year without Dd.
There are so many things I want to say but there is no one I feel comfortable saying them too ,maybe I should start a post in the other place .

Anyway ,both take care ,thinking of you

How terrible for you @WatcherOfTheNight

I'm thinking of you.

If you'd like to vent to an anonymous person please feel free to message me

Thank you so much @Gina2012 that's so very kind of you

Recently I've found it's so hard to talk,especially with people I know or I'm close to .
I knew it would be difficult few weeks but I did think I'd handle it better for Ds sake.

I will be so glad when the festive season is over with for this year & I hope I will be able to plan in advance for next year so that I'm organised if I'm struggling.

Watcher I'm so very sorry for your loss

Watcher, I'm so deeply sorry for your loss. Wishing you some peace.

Thank you so much @Windgate
I have realised as much as I miss her as my DD,she had become my closest friend.

I've been told recently that I have to start accepting that she's gone & stop sleeping in her room, but I can't .
My DSis has offered to help me pack up her room,I can't imagine ever being ready to do that.

So many people think I need to "pull myself together " they don't understand that it's not possible at the moment,I can't do it .
I think if it was their child ,maybe they wouldn't be so quick to say that .

I would never wish this on anyone & I'm horrified at the amount of people I know who seem to think that a year or so is enough time to get over it "pull your socks up" & carry on as normal now

Women are always judged but I never thought I'd be judged over grieving the death of my child .

Thank you so much @padsi1975 ,it means a lot that you & others take the time to offer me comfort tonight.

Morning @WatcherOfTheNight I hope 2019 is kinder to you than last year. I'm doing ok but am always glad when Christmas and New Year are over, looking forward to tomorrow when I can justifiably take down the tree.
Ignore people who think they know how you should be feeling, they don't. They mean well but are misguided. Even someone like me who has been through the same, I can't tell you how to feel, I can only say how it's been for me.
For what it's worth it was more than 5 years before I could start thinking about clearing my daughter's room, and then I did it gradually over several months, a couple of things at a time.

Hello @WatcherOfTheNight

I have just got through my 3rd Christmas without my son.
It is so, so hard.
The only thing I can say is that it was a tiny bit more manageable than the second, which was a tiny bit more manageable than the first.
He was my eldest, but my other DC left home after he died. One to study and the other to travel.
We haven't celebrated Christmas since DS1 died.
We find somewhere to hide instead.
You can't just pull yourself together. Your whole life, your whole world has changed. All you can do is get through a day at a time, a step at a time.
I can honestly say that Mumsnet has got me through. I am sure I would have lost my mind without the kindness and support I have had on the bereavement boards.
There are so many of us and we understand.
We all just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Our love and grief for our children is always there.
Our understanding and support for other bereaved parents is always there too.
Sending you much love.
[flowers