MIL only got a few weeks left, how do I prepare my 5 year old son ?

[pumpkinpie01]

My MIL is dying from lung cancer and only has 1-2 weeks left. She has suddenly deteriorated after the cancer has spread, just 2 weeks ago she was dancing at a party. Our DS is her only grandchild and she sees him twice a week, they have a wonderful relationship and she dotes on him.How on earth do I prepare him for this ? So far I have told him she is very poorly in hospital, we are visiting later which could well be the last time he sees her which breaks my heart.

KristinaM it was quite funny having to act out how a dead person looked and even at the time it made me smile too. I was reluctant to sound too light-hearted for the op.

The kids treating it all so indelicately somehow really helps. The matter of fact approach can seem harsh but makes sense really.

Our dc’s school and preschool knew and they kept a close eye on them. We had to ask for permission for trips back to the UK in term time, so they were pretty aware of each stage. They were very sympathetic on the whole and read books with the children about death at school.

I think it can help to be prepared for the kind of questions that young children typically ask. Because they never ask at a good time as you know.

Just a little update today - I had a chat with my sons teacher she was brilliant she said when MIL dies to obviously let her know as they have pastoral care on Wednesdays and he will be taken out of class for a bit for this. She also knows of an excellent book and will give me the details later. She is such a lovely woman I have no doubt she will keep an eye on him when the time comes. Meanwhile DD and I visited last night and MIL is asleep 95% of the time and was quite fidgety. DS had said to DH while we were at the hospital that he didnt want his grandma to die , I dont think DH could cope with the conversation on his own so he just said 'no I dont either' then changed the subject. I came back from the hospital with a gut feeling that DS needs to go one more time she is now in a side room so there are no distractions so its more consuming than being on a ward.So Im thinking he could take her one of his teddys sit with her for 5/10 mins while she is sleeping then I will take him out so DH can have some time with her.@KristinaM and @BonApp does that sound a good idea ?

That sounds perfect. I’m sure his teddy would like to go with him to see grandma and he can tell his gran all about his day at school etc.

I wonder if she is fidgeting because she knows you are there and is trying to communicate or hold his hand. Is he able to cuddle her or touch her hand ? Don’t make him if he doesn’t want to of course.

So glad the schoo have been supportive .

You are such a good mum and DIL to do all this .

Thank you, DS disnt go last night sorry if my post was confusing. I just went with my DD17, my DH was on a late shift at work so I sorted childcare for DS so we could go.I wanted to see how she was myself before making the decision about whether he should go again. My DH was thinking that DS might get upset by visiting but as she is mainly sleeping I dont think he will. I reminded him that kids dont see things the same way as adults do. I really appreciate you taking the time to answer , thank you.

Thinking of you pumpkin. I lost my dad in May and it was (still is) a hard time.
My children are a bit older but I took them all to the hospital to see my dad. One didn't want to go in, found it too much. Children are good at knowing what they want to do.
They all went to the funeral, again they were given the choice but I'm glad they went as it was a lovely service and celebration of life.

tell him the truth, I was amazed at how our children reacted.
preparing them beforehand really helps, telling them what will happen and if you are a Christian that she will go to heaven.
When mine had died we looked at the stars at night and sang songs in case she could hear them. That was just something that worked for us, it may be something different for you.
The important thing is taking care of yourself, everything else will fall into place.
I'm sorry to hear about your dm from what you say, it won't be long.
Has your ds seen her recently, could he go and say goodbye, that also helped our dc, it gave them a closure.

I'm so sorry to hear this.

We're not religious so have had to give fairly realistic explanations of what happens, rather than 'you'll see her in heaven etc...'.

2 books that are really nice are:
Badgers Parting Gifts, is a beautiful picture book, about an old badger who spends some last nice time with his friends, and dies, and how whilst everyone mourns over the winter, and that's ok, they slowly start to remember all the wonderful things badger did for them, and teach each other the skills he taught them, and so badger lives on in your memory.

Paper Dolls (Julia Donaldson) is less death-specific, but again shows that people who die live on in your memory.

They're for smaller children, but I don't think that's a bad thing when older children need reassurance and to have things explained simply.

We explained that doctors can't mend all problems, and sometimes when people are very very ill, their bodies can't carry on any more. We explain death (please do not describe it as going to sleep, as that can terrify children), and we even had a little field trip to see a recently dead squirrel, as the concept of the life going from someone is really hard to describe. We then talk about nothing being able to hurt them any more, they now live on in our memories, and though their genes, in us. We are carrying their stories around inside our cells. We then discussed burial and cremation, and described how energy is never lost in the universe, and (sorry about saying this, but this did help the DC) so once their body begins to return to the earth, then this energy goes into creating new life - trees, flowers etc. The children are pretty cool about the whole thing, and often wander in graveyards commenting on how all the wildflowers around are life continuing from the people buried in the graveyard. It's a scientifically sound explanation, and surprisingly comforting.

Still got questions over time such as, what if they want to come out of the box?' but we just reiterated all the above. You can describe it as their soul leaves the body and lives on in our memories.

By 'realistic' I mean more brutal, I suppose.

Thank you everyone this is really helping , we are going to the hospital in an hour or so I’m pretty sure this will be the last time for my DS. so sad , she has been an amazing grandma and spent a lot of time with him. She isn’t that old (64) the cancer has just spread so quick . Thank you for the book recommendations will definitely buy the badger one later I like the sound of that one. God life can be so cruel sometimes 😢

64 is young, you are right, life isn’t fair.

But your son will never forget her and the love she showed him. That’s a great legacy.

This is such an important thread! I remember being 6 and coming back home from a dance lesson only ro find my dad at home at 3 in the afternoon (he was never home at 3 pm). He told me my grandfather had gone to heaven and i didn't understand what he meant or why everyrhing seemed strange. My mum was rushing around, he was home, there were suitcases (we'd have to travel). So i said "i don't understand! Ehat is happening?". So he told me that grandad had died and that meant he was never be alive and able to see us again. I knew he was sick but needed to hear a clear explanation of what death was. My dad started to cry and said he was sad. And i understood. We had been visiting my sick grandad and i knew he was going to dis but i had no idea that this meant i wouldn't be able to see him.

Op, how are you doing? Sending love for you and your family.

I'm sorry for my many mistakes. Wish i could edit.

Pumpkin, this is for you .
I can't add to what has been said (and KristinaM I think you're great).
It's very sad, something we all have to face at some time or another and I feel for you and your family. x

Sending hugs to you all, cannot help with any more book suggestions but please make time for yourselves to grieve too, kids do bounce back very quickly and also can compartmentalise their lives eg asking to go to a friends house or the park straight away. There's lots of resources out there and even if you aren't religious your local church can provide a quiet space and a listening ear (I do this for work)

Hi, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m not sure if this will help but I lost my grandad to cancer when I was 6 - he had been like a dad to me - my mum had schizophrenia and him and my gran basically took care of me. Grandad developed throat cancer and it spread very fast. I visited him in the last stages of his illness and I clearly remember being shocked at how ill he looked and then drawing a picture at school of him being carried out in a coffin - which sounds awful but actually it gave me some emotional release to put it down on paper. I am 38 now and still have that drawing and I remember the visit - it gives me a lot of comfort now to know I saw him before he passed and was able to tell him how much I loved him.

You sound like you are doing an amazing job.

Something else that has really helped me was keeping one of his favourite shirts. Even now it’s still hanging in my wardrobe. If there’s something of your mums your son would like I would make sure he knows he can have it.

Thank you everyone, MIL died this morning my FIL and DH got there with minutes to spare. Feel really numb and in shock at the moment. Not going to tell DS til tomorrow, let him have one more day 😢. I like the shirt idea, I think one of the aunties is having a memory teddy made so it could be made out of that x

So sorry to hear the news pumpkin My thoughts are with You and your family.

Sorry for your loss thinking of you and your family

Really sorry to hear this Glad your FIL and DH could get there.

Sending hugs for thr sad and strange days to come. Good luck for letting your DS know. I hope he takes it as well as possible.

My nan died last year unexpectedly. My dd1 was 6 and was very close to her. I was close to her too and it was hard for me to explain as I was in shock myself.

I explained what happened although we didn't know why. I also assured her that although she couldn't see her anymore doesn't mean she isn't there. I told her that while ever you have memories, you have love and just because you can't see that person does not mean you can't love them.

She still talks about her alot. Remember this and that mum.

Children take things surprisingly well

Thank you , we just need one more day without him knowing if that makes sense just one night to take it in ourselves. I had said a few times this week that Drs can’t always make people better just to prepare him a little bit. He saw her last night and she was very unresponsive she couldn’t hold his hand which was sad but I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it and insist he hold hers or stay for longer than he wanted to even thou I knew that would be his last visit. . I’m dreading tomorrow. A few weeks ago MIL bought a second hand Ds with a mario game she said it was for herself , my son is obsessed with mario we are now wondering if really she bought it for him when she was gone knowing what a big distraction it would be for him .

Thank you @hannah1992 I like that ‘while you have memories you have love. ‘ it makes me so sad they will never have any more memories to make together they loved each other so much. ( I’m crying again now )

There are loads of lovely books to help children with bereavement, one called something like muddles and puddles, if you google it. Sorry you're having such a horrible time x

Oh pumpkin it's an awful time especially when it's unexpected and someone so close to you.

I thought the same about my dd1 but she has memories and it's that that counts. I feel sad for my dd2 because she was only 14 months when she died so won't remember her at all and that breaks my heart. But we keep her memory alive.

We do things like letting balloons off at Xmas and write her cards still to put on the grave for Xmas and birthday.

We still celebrate her birthday by lighting candles and things like that.

It's true when people say they are always in your heart. My nan will never leave me or my girls because I make sure we celebrate the life she had and the memories we had rather than her not being here