MIL only got a few weeks left, how do I prepare my 5 year old son ?

[pumpkinpie01]

My MIL is dying from lung cancer and only has 1-2 weeks left. She has suddenly deteriorated after the cancer has spread, just 2 weeks ago she was dancing at a party. Our DS is her only grandchild and she sees him twice a week, they have a wonderful relationship and she dotes on him.How on earth do I prepare him for this ? So far I have told him she is very poorly in hospital, we are visiting later which could well be the last time he sees her which breaks my heart.

You need to tell him that’s she’s going to die. That her body is very sick, her lungs that she breathes with are not working any more and although the doctors have tried very hard they can’t fix it.

Explain in practical terms what happens when we die and according to your cultural / religious beliefs . Explain what will happen to her body.

Make sure he understands that she is going away and he won’t see her again. Sometimes in our desire to be gentle ( “gran is looking down on your from a star” ) children can think that they will see then again. The permanence of death is hard to grasp.

He might ask questions about the funeral and answer if you can.

Don’t tell him to be brave , allow him to cry at home.children do grief differently . You should let his school know too in case he’s upset or tells his classmates .

Suggest that he might like to draw a picture or make a card to take with him to see her. Depending on how well and conscious she is, is he might be able to say goodbye.

If she has lines and tubes in your will need to prepare him for this and explain how ill she is. Eg Say that even if she is in a very deep sleep, she still might be able to hear us so we can talk to her

I’m so sorry for your loss .

Thank you so much for your response its made me cry, Im really not coping very well with this. She said a month ago that all she wanted was to see him grow up, it breaks my heart that wont happen. He will be drawing a picture to take today. She is dosed up on morphine and is sleeping a lot, but he hasnt seen her for 10 days and I think he needs to go. When she has had bad days before and has only been able to sit with him and watch TV and has struggled to walk he has never questioned it and doesnt notice that she's not well. Plus those bouts never lasted long. I'm worried Im not going to be able to answer his questions when Im heartbroken too and cant stop crying but feel its unfair on my DH to expect him to when he is devastated. (he is very close to his mum and an only child).

You ARE coping just fine. Even in the middle of your own grief you are trying to do the best thing to support your child and husband. You are a good mother, wife and daughter in law.

I agree that your son need to go and see her. It will help him understand how sick she is . For most people, dying is a process, we are not totally healthy one day and dead the next.

Maybe you need to tell him that she has in fact been unwell for a long time but she didn’t want to tell him because of X reason eg she wanted to spend her time doing fun things with him and not being sad.

It can help him to know about her illness, so he doesn't worry later that you or his dad might suddenly get ill and die. ( I know it can happen but it’s not very likely ) . Because from his point of view, two weeks ago she was totally healthy watching TV and now she’s unconscious and dying.

You need to be very concrete and practical when you explain. This can be hard as often kids ask what seem to us very insensitive questions

Eg will it hurt when they put her in a box and burn her ?

So you are right, it can be easier for you to deal with these questions rather than your DH.

Your son may ask the same question lots of times over the next weeks and months and it DOES get easier each time you say it.

You are doing the right thing to take him in to see her. Even if she seems asleep she might still be able to hear him and squeeze his hand and feel when he hugs or kisses her.

It will comfort her to know he’s there. You can’t protect him from losing her but you can ensure he’s part of the family’s journey . Just like adults, he needs the chance to say goodbye .

And you WILL be able to answer his questions, even if they answer is “I don’t know “ or “ You are right, it’s not fair “ or “ I don’t know what happens to the person when their body dies, but some people believe X Y or Z”.

Some questions have no answer.

I don’t have anything more to add, but I just wanted to say KristinaM what beautiful words, and lovely advice.
Sorry to hear of your sad news pumpkinpie01

You have come up with a point I was thinking as she seemed so well just the other week( dancing and chatting away at a party) I do think he needs to see her poorly as he could well be thinking that perfectly well people suddenly die. Obviously we both know that does happen, but I dont want him thinking mummy and daddy are going to suddenly die.My DH and FIL were adamant the other day that he was not to go to the cancer ward as it is very upsetting and depressing so when we visit later she will be moved into a side room with a TV so he can just sit with her. This visit is just going to be awful, Im a wreck today at work on my own crying all day on and off. Just feel so sorry for everyone and feel Im no use as Im crying so much.

@Nixen, thank you.

So sorry. This is tough. I would suggest you contact the helpline at Winston’s Wish - a charity that supports bereaved children. They have wonderful resources they could send you to assist with preparing your son and in how to help him in the coming months and years.

I’m sorry to read this. I would advise contacting Child Bereavement UK or looking on their website.

Thank you @alphasox and@SpottingTheZebras I will have a google of those 2 in a minute. He is a clever little lad and I know there are going to be so many questions. Cant believe how quick its spread, we thought she would go into hospital, be on a drip and come out a couple of days later, we did not expect this. I wish I could be stronger but I just think of his little face crumbling and im a blubbering mess.

It's ok to be upset. Don't hide it from him. Grief is a part of life and it's a great gift to teach him it's ok to show your emotions and that adults get upset too
We lost DMIL in the summer. I know how difficult this is but it's wonderful that your DS was able to have such a close relationship with her.

QWinnieFosterTether can I please ask how old your children were ? How did they cope ?

One DC aged 9. They were very stoic when we explained DMIL wasn't going to get better. And, on the day when DMIL died, they were actually surprisingly easily distracted by the fact they were able to see their cousins and play with them. I think, death as a concept was quite abstract for them even though we'd lost a great-aunt the year before.
A few days later, they got very upset because they realised they'd forgotten to say goodnight to DMIL the last time they'd seen her and they worried that had somehow caused DMIL to die because they had broken a routine. Their grief came in waves. Days where they were fine and then days where they were sad, crying, quiet, etc.
They wanted to come to the funeral. They were very, very upset at the service but afterwards they enjoyed seeing family members and getting to play.
We talked about their gran a lot in the immediate weeks afterwards and let them see us when we were sad. tbh I also explained DH might be more grumpy than usual because they had lost their mum.
We also factored more treats than usual in for DC eg games or fun activities .
Like you, I worried about how they would be and how DH was going to cope and then how I'd manage my grief too but it was all much more manageable than I thought it was going to be. And I'd say we all felt closer having come through it together. There are still days where we're sad and so, so tired. Grief (especially after the loved one has had an illness) is draining. Be kind to yourself. We often have days where we do very little and just rest .

@WinnieFosterTether thank you for your reply I really appreciate it, it’s been really helpful I think it’s made me realise I need to take one day at a time. We have been to the hospital tonight she was a lot worse, DS only asked 2 questions and made people smile on the ward and was oblivious to how ill everyone was so my emotions were kept in check. Thought I would get emotional when they were hugging each other but I was Ok.

We lost my dad to a horrid cancer earlier in the year. My then 6 and 3 year old saw him when he was very ill (we live abroad so visits were more lengthy). They knew he was ill and was going to die. The hospice advised me to explain that this meant they wouldn’t see him again. We had some wonderful moments all together and I think we all benefited from the kids being around.

They didn’t come to the funeral but did come to the wake. My eldest wanted to know all the details about the cremation - to the point of me acting out how a dead person looks .

They seemed to deal with it all ok for the most part.... My youngest says still that she misses grandad and she was so sweet with him when he was ill, just holding his hand and telling him that their hearts would always be connected.

A couple of months after dad died, my eldest said she didn’t like grandad anymore. I think she was cross with him somehow that he’d got ill and didn’t want to play games etc. Plus she said he looked a bit scary when he was really poorly and that she hadn’t liked all the “fuss” - ie visits to go and see him. But we talked and talked and talked about it all to ensure she was ok. I hadn’t thought she was that bothered but it seems like she took in more than I realized and was obviously grieving. I think the feelings of grief confused her more than his death, if that makes any sense.

Wishing you all lots of love at this difficult time.

Thank you @BonApp that’s really helpful. mil has suddenly gone very downhill and is sleeping most of the time , I don’t know whether to take him to see her again ?( I have never been through this before my older children are still lucky enough to have their grandparents ). His dad was at the hospital this morning and I said to him’ Grandma is very very ill, we don’t think the doctors can make her better ‘ he said ‘ I hope they can and why are you talking in that funny voice?’ ( I was obviously struggling not to cry ) I said it was because I was feeling very sad. He stared at me for a bit then changed the subject

Ahh sorry to hear your MIL has declined. I would be inclined to say it’s not the time to take your son to visit now, sadly. When my dad was in his final days I was relieved to be there as daughter not as mummy, and that I didn’t need to worry about the kids.

Go gently with yourself and those around you in these coming days and weeks.

I’m sorry to hear that MIL is so poorly now but glad to hear that she’s sleeping and appears to be in no pain. I hope the nursing team are taking good care of her.

Personally I would take DS back to see her now. It would be good for him to see that she is peaceful and not in pain and that for her, death will hopefully just be slipping away.

As she is still conscious though she will like hearing his voice and she may be able to squeeze his hand to show she knows he is there.

As you have discovered, young children usually don’t find this particularly upsetting and the hospital staff will be nice to him. It’s YOU who find this hard not him.

Also this stage may last longer than you think - for our Loved one it was about 4 weeks of the staff saying “ he’s only got a few days “. So you may be visiting quite a few times.

I do think you need to be clear with your son now that the doctors will NOT be able to fix his gran, it’s not fair to leave him hoping that she will get better when it’s not the case. I know that it seems kinder to give him hope but it means that her death will come as a huge shock for him.

That’s why he’s confused about your “funny voice “ and why you are so sad . You’ve suggested that she might get better so he’s holding onto that hope you have given him.

I know it’s very hard but there’s no way around this. You need to tell him sometime - either now or after she has gone, and then he will have no chance to prepare himself or say goodbye.

Thankyou @KristinaM and @ BonApp my DH was in bits last night crying and crying after going to watch the football at the pub and finding all his old friends there being supportive. Im trying to be strong but its so so hard when I think the world of her too.She hasnt eaten since Friday now so Im thinking its probably going to be this week. She was supposed to be moving to her sisters today for pallative care (she lives in a bungalow so easier than a house ) but they are now saying a hospice.My DD17 wants to visit her later (its her step grandma) so we will find out where she is and drive to wherever. I think will take DS tomorrow, I have a feeling that he needs to visit again, my DH says she is very peaceful. Im lucky that I have got good friends but Im finding typing things out quite cathartic, thank you.

I’m glad you are finding it helpful to talk, it’s hard when you have to be strong for everyone else.

If she is still taking fluids then it might be a while yet. Just speaking from personal experience, I’m not a HCP. I don’t know how much pressure they are under for beds but I’d be suprised if they were talking about moving her if they thought she might only have a couple of days left. No one wants the person to die in the ambulance.

How do you feel about her being moved to a hospice ? I have no experience of having a relative there but I have heard only positive things about the care they offer patients and families. They are very used to having children visit and will probably have a playroom with toys for your DS.

The hospice my dad was in was amazing. We all felt scooped up and cared for. Sure they looked after my dad, but they looked after all of us too. I cannot speak highly enough about them - a true sense of light in a very dark time.

I think KristinaM’s advice is very good. I hope I didn’t put you off taking your son. My kids were abroad in dads final days so it wasn’t a decision I had to make. You will know what is best.

I would echo the point about the end not being quite as near as you think. Even under tremendous strain the human body is amazing. We thought my dad would go sooner than he did but he never could be hurried

Without meaning to sound trite, I found it an honor to be with my dad in his last days, really it was a privilege. Hard and sad and devastating but still a privilege. I wasn’t staying overnight at the hospice so I couldn’t be there when he died early hours of the morning. I thought I would be upset at that but I believe he picked a moment that suited him and I’d told him many many times that I loved him so I know he knew.

Best wishes to all of you.

She isn't taking fluids and neither is she on a drip which I find a bit odd and almost cruel, surely our bodies still need water even when dosed up on morphine ? FIL and DH have just popped into my work after visiting the funeral directors, I will be ringing at 4 to see where she is. The ward she is on is for people that are being treated with the intention of them going home, whereas sadly thats not the case. I will visit with my DD later, she has been an absolute star and then go with DH and DS tomorrow.Will speak to his teacher later and put her in the picture, he is really going to struggle with the concept of never seeing his Grandma again, she doted on him.

Good plan to speak to the teacher, I’m sure the school will be supportive . Sadly many school children lose a grandparent and the teachers know what to do.

You are right that he will struggle with the permanence of death ( don’t we all ? ). They are very big on magical thinking at his age , so he may well tell the teacher that’s she’s getting better. Or even after she has died, that she was on holiday in Spain and is coming back on Saturday.

So it’s helpful if the school know the facts so they can support him and you.

The magical thinking means that you will probably have to repeat the story over and over again for the next few months and years. Our children used to ask “ what happened to M Again?” at some random time, often when I was driving.

You get used to saying “ Gran was very ill, she had a disease called cancer in her lungs. The doctors tried really hard to make her better but they couldn’t and she died”.

Every time you say it, it becomes easier for them and you.

What BonApp said about young children asking all the details was exactly our experience too. I have to admit I smiled at having to act a dead person. Ours were very interested in the furnace etc. As adults we are used to skipping over these details and not thinking about it too much. But it seems to be what children want to know and it’s good that they can ask you and hopefully not their father or grandfather .

I suspect that at 17 your DD willl be more like an adult and find her little brothers questions distasteful or gruesome.

However I think it’s a good plan to take your DD to see your MIL tonight. At her age she will be much more scared than DS, as she is old enough to imagine all sorts of horrible things. So she will be very sad but relieved to see her step gran so peaceful and not in pain.

You need to prepare yourself because she may well be much more uspet that DS at this stage. Or she might cope fine tonight but be in floods of tears at the weekend.

Re a drip - I don’t think they do this if she’s on a palliative care pathway, although they will do mouthcare to keep her comfortable . Maybe you could ask the nurse in charge when you visit tonight ?

DD will be scared when she visits and will need guidance from you on what to do. Encourage your DD to sit beside your gran, hold her hand and talk to her. Tel her how she’s getting on at college etc.

If she wants to, of course. She may be scared at first but once she seems you talking to your MIL she will be reassured.

If her step gran liked music, she could downloads some of her favoursite songs onto her phone and play that to her ( I’m assuming she on a single room and not in the ward ).

Often older people enjoy the songs they liked when they were younger - these things seem to stay in the memory better.

If your MIl has some favourite perfume at home you can take that in for her. Ask the nurses, you may be able to put in on her pillow or on your wrist so she can smell it. You probably won’t be able to put in on her own skin because the skin breaks down very easily at this stage.

If she is wearing her own nightwear then you might be allowed to spay some on that.

Explain to DD that hearing is the last thing to go and even if someone can’t respond they can often hear and will be comforted.

Really sorry you're going through this - we lost my grandmother earlier this year; DD is the same age as your DS.

One piece of advice we were given was to be really clear that she was dying/had died and not to use euphemisms like sleeping - saying 'grandma's gone to sleep' can be very confusing; will she wake up? Will Mummy/Daddy die when they go to sleep? I know it's hard using some words, but it's clearer for children.