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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

We found out my partner has not long to live, we have no children.

42 replies

Anon018 · 04/11/2018 12:13

I'm writing this on a throw-away account because I don't have a mum's net account and I wish for this not to be on any main account. We found out my partner has a prognosis of 6 months to live, I'd rather not give details and I won't be talking about how that has affected me. I'll talk about my current dilema.

We have no children and I always said I'd rather not have any but hearing that he's not long for this world anymore changed me. Would it be selfish to ask him to try and concieve now, before he goes? I don't want to be left alone and I want him to live on through his child, but I have to think of the child too. Would he/she want to grow up without his/her father? I know his family would be happy, they'd take care of us but I worry still.

I know this question may be strange, I can't shake this huge feeling of regret and sadness. This is not the ideal time to concieve, but I won't get another chance. This man is the love of my life and when he's gone what will I have? This is difficult.

OP posts:
Orchiddingme · 04/11/2018 12:16

Anon poor you. So difficult. My grandma had a baby in the Second World War for the exact same reason- she wanted something of 'him' if he were to pass away. In her case, he didn't. There's lots of sensible reasons why not- he won't be around, you will be very stressed. The desire remains, though. What does your partner think?

Santaisgettingbusy · 04/11/2018 12:19

Women have a baby for a million worse reasons than yours.
What an awful time - if your dh is happy to ttc then go for it imo. .
Would storing sperm be an option also?

lisaorris99 · 04/11/2018 12:19

So very sorry to read this - thoughts are with you both.

I don’t know how easy it is to freeze sperm and have it stored, but could that be an option. Gives you a bit more breathing time without having to make decisions now with everything else you have to deal with.

Annasgirl · 04/11/2018 12:20

I know someone who did this - has no regrets. She conceived and had a baby just a few months before DH died - they had a one year prognosis.

Just to reassure you that it is not weird or selfish and perhaps your partner would like to live on through a child

Haffdonga · 04/11/2018 12:24

I'm very sorry to hear about your dpd's prognosis. I don't know the answer to your question but have some questions.

  • Do you want a baby with him because you desperately want to be a mum and have a child or because you want to 'keep' a piece of your dp?? (because a child wont be him)
  • Would it be harder for him to die knowing he's not only leaving you and his family but also his child that he will never meet?
  • If you want his child but not have to cope with pregnancy and birth at the same time as bereavement and a funeral could you consider freezing his sperm for a future time?
  • Do you think your sudden change of heart about a child is a shock emotional reaction to the terrible news? If he was expected to live would you have changed your mind eventually about having a child together or stayed child free?
Oblomov18 · 04/11/2018 12:32

I'm so sorry. But I definitely think it's something you should talk about, ASAP and try and make decisions and probably also get some sperm stored.

Original poster
Anon018 · 04/11/2018 12:35

I know if we do concieve and I have his child it won't be him. It will be his child that he will have given life to and I think as awful as it is that he has to go, a child will give me hope for the future and to see new life that came from a beautiful man after his death will help me. I'm still trying to gauge whether I'm being selfish, or if this is a request he'll agree with and I won't regret.

OP posts:
HashTagLil · 04/11/2018 12:39

Is your partner dying from a genetic condition?

Original poster
Anon018 · 04/11/2018 12:43

If he were dying from a genetic condition I wouldn't want a child to suffer the same.

OP posts:
Thursdaydreaming · 04/11/2018 12:44

How old are you OP?

I can see why you've had the idea, but I don't know honestly. Imagine you get pregnant and are really sick, you won't be able to properly take care of DP and support him in his last months. You won't be able to enjoy the time he has left - you might spend it with your head in the toilet bowl instead of by his bedside.

But people have done this before, some by accident, and it seems to have worked out.

danni0509 · 04/11/2018 12:45

No advice, just to say so sorry to hear your news x

whatifido · 04/11/2018 12:46

Did your OH want children?
As a parent your biggest fear is not seeing your children grow up, just something to be aware of as if you did fall pregnant he would likely be upset that he will never meet his child and watch them grow, adding an extra upset for him in an already scary, devastating time.

Justkeeprollingalong · 04/11/2018 12:49

I'm so sorry for your situation. I think it would be a good thing to do but, not meaning to be heartless, please take into consideration your financial situation after your husband goes. It would be awful to have to cope with grief, a new baby and being poor.

Sophia1984 · 04/11/2018 12:50

This woman was in the same position and went for it: snickollet.blogspot.com/?m=1
Sending you strength x

Original poster
Anon018 · 04/11/2018 12:53

We're both late twenties. As other people have mentioned, I may ask him to freeze sperm but I feel that he'd prefer to see that I'm pregnant before he goes. He does want children but we agreed that we wouldn't try for any at the moment. Obviously a lot changed and here we are now. I don't know how he feels, I don't know if I should even mention it to him because it's just another thing for him to worry about.

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 04/11/2018 12:54

I'm so sorry, OP.Flowers

I don't think it's wrong or selfish to want this, but I do think you need to think very carefully about whether you want to cope with a pregnancy and a newborn as your partner approaches the end of his life and as you deal with a major bereavement. There aren't any right or wrong answers, it's just a question of what's right for you.

I think you also need to respect your DP's feelings on this matter. Would it help him to know that he was giving new life to a child or would he find it hard to come to terms with creating a child who he will never meet. Again, no right or wrong answers.

RoboJesus · 04/11/2018 12:56

A friend did something similar 3 years ago. She said it was the best decision she ever made. She had his sperm frozen first so if she didn't get pregnant it would be something to fall back on. She didn't need it but now she has the opportunity to make a sibling in the future.

rubyroot · 04/11/2018 12:58

You're in your late 20s and will probably meet another man you love, a man that can be there for his child

I think your urge is strong, but I actually think boys in particular need their fathers, girls less so. I'm not sure I would want to set my child up with a life without a father.

I agree- can't you freeze sperm and think later about this. You may not conceive quickly anyway.

Santaisgettingbusy · 04/11/2018 13:01

I am thinking you will need a solicitor for consent letter to use his sperm via ivf?

Neolara · 04/11/2018 13:02

I am very sorry you and your DH are in this terrible situation.

Is your DH going to have any treatment that may affect his fertility? If so, him banking sperm may be the best option.

Jlynhope · 04/11/2018 13:06

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
If I'm being honest it sounds like you never wanted kids and I'm not sure if you suddenly want to be a mom or just hang onto a piece of your dp.
Only you can know that, but the reality is you wouldn't just become a mom, but a single mom which is a whole other story.
As for your dp, it's my worst nightmare not to see my ds grow up , but I have no clue how I'd feel in this situation.

GirlFliesHome · 04/11/2018 13:07

Ask him what he feels. Be guided by that.

best of luck. Thanks

simplepimple · 04/11/2018 13:09

Such a shock for you and your DP. It's very difficult in such circumstances to make life changing decisions. It's likely to be a difficult road ahead just coming to terms with what is let alone anything else. First of all you don't need to decide anything right now - just find out more about your options. You should be offered the chance to freeze sperm as if your DP needs chemo you won't be able try for a pregnancy.

Other things to consider are:-

What sort of life might a child have knowing his father died before he was born? Will it be tinged with sadness forever?

Even though you love your DP right now it can be common for people to meet someone else later and will having a child make that all more difficult and complicated?

Are your finances in place to support a child?

Do you want a child so that he has left something of himself in the world?

Would you want to go ahead with a pregnancy after his death or is it something you want to bring some joy into such a sad situation?

Trinpy · 04/11/2018 13:19

I think you should talk this through with your partner and decide together what you want to do.

I do think sperm storage would be a better option as it will give you more time to think about it and you won't be making the decision while you're still shocked and grieving. I used to work in a fertility clinic and it was not at all unusual for terminally ill men to bank sperm for their female partner to use for insemination after his death. In most cases the woman eventually chose not to use it but it seemed to help them just to know that the option was there. Some women did return for treatment with the banked sperm and they seemed very happy with their choice.

BangingOn · 04/11/2018 13:20

I can understand why you feel this way.

What is your financial situation- would you be secure after his death in raising a child alone?

What support do you have from family and friends?

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