We found out my partner has not long to live, we have no children.

[Anon018]

I'm writing this on a throw-away account because I don't have a mum's net account and I wish for this not to be on any main account. We found out my partner has a prognosis of 6 months to live, I'd rather not give details and I won't be talking about how that has affected me. I'll talk about my current dilema.

We have no children and I always said I'd rather not have any but hearing that he's not long for this world anymore changed me. Would it be selfish to ask him to try and concieve now, before he goes? I don't want to be left alone and I want him to live on through his child, but I have to think of the child too. Would he/she want to grow up without his/her father? I know his family would be happy, they'd take care of us but I worry still.

I know this question may be strange, I can't shake this huge feeling of regret and sadness. This is not the ideal time to concieve, but I won't get another chance. This man is the love of my life and when he's gone what will I have? This is difficult.

This may sound unkind, it isn't meant to be. I think it would be a bad decision to get pregnant with the main driver being because you know he wants it and through love you feel an overwhelming desire to give this to him before he goes. He may not want it, the pressure of TTC, perhaps failing, knowing he will never meet his child, worrying about how you will cope alone.

Whatever decision you make, either way, you need to make it for yourself and the child, not for him, as you are the one whose life will change and will live with the consequences of that decision long term. I am especially worried for you as you say you haven't wanted children before but think the child might help your grief. Try not to make decisions when you are so understandably emotionally in turmoil and vulnerable.

Freezing sperm might be a better idea so you can decide later.

Also, meant to say, don't rely on the in-laws being there to support long term even if they are initially happy. I know a couple of people where the relationship with the in-laws just fizzled away after their son/daughter died.

DSIL died when her child was 2, after couple of years of trying to keep up the relationship with the in-laws DBIL gave up and it just fizzed out as the connection/bond just didn't seem to be there without DSIL. They continued to send cards etc for another couple of years but have had no contact with dn since he was around 5-6 (he's 25 now).

I’m not sure how I feel about this. Facilitating a pregnancy when I would never see the child born or grow up. It’s selfless but terribly sad and potentially might make him feel as though he has failed if you don’t get pregnant. That could be difficult in itself and cloud his final days with you.

It wouldn’t be a subject I would want to raise at this difficult time unless my partner raised it first.

So sorry to hear this OP 

I'd definitely speak to him and if it's something he wants then yes I'd definitely do it - 100%. I'd freeze a couple of vials of sperm too for future use.

Only you can really answer that. You never wanted children when you saw a long term future with him. Would you be adequately supported? People to help with child care? Maternity leave be adequate? Able to work as a single parent? Is he able to donate sperm, or has he been on medication already which would affect fertility? If the child had additional needs/disabilities, would it being a part of him be enough?

Freezing sperm to use after death is really legally complex and you'd need to sort permissions before the sperm was stored. If that's an option; see a solicitor ASAP.

I'm so sorry, OP 

Op only you and your partner can make a decision that is right for you both. You are both going through a horrendous time.

Of the 3 families that I know who have lost the Dad leaving children under 10.
First has tremendous support from the MIL,
The second no real support but see the children once a week
The third has next to no contact, they exchange greetings cards thats about it.

You know your IL's you can see how much support they are giving you now. You can guess the support in the future.

But only you can decide if you feel able to raise a child on your own.

I'm so, so sorry for both of you, OP.

I wouldn't do it, however. I wouldn't bring a child into the world knowing that their father won't be around.

A child will not be all that's left to you of their father, they will be a person in their own right, and I don't think it's fair on them, to be a sort of posthumous link to their dead father.

Also - I have a friend whose father died of cancer while his mother was pregnant with him. He was an only child.

The responsibility he has always felt for his mother has always been enormous. When he was younger, he was never able to strike out and do things on his own (or even go out for a night clubbing) because he felt so guilty. He always assumed that, if he married, his mother would go and live with them. And this was despite the fact that they had the support of both sides of the family.

It's a heavy burden, being a posthumous only child.

I don’t think anyone can answer this .

I would talk to him about it. He may have strong feelings on the subject

So sorry OP. A lot for you to think about.

BrokenWing that's awful! How could your DSIL's parents not want to be there for their daughter's child??

Oh I so feel for you in what is such a difficult situation. And I think only you and your partner will be able to decide what is right for you. You certainly should tell him how you are feeling as I don't think you will want to regret having not told him or not knowing what he thought.

I have a 5 year old, when she was 12 months old her daddy died, aged 26; it wasn't completely unexpected but it happened without much warning in the end. I am immensely thankful for her but she isn't him and I miss him painfully still now. It was incredibly difficult to grieve alongside raising my daughter and I don't think I have been able to grieve properly. You have a little person you have to care for and the day to day has to keep going. It is hard. I wouldn't swap it though.

For fertility reasons we decided to try storing sperm but my husband was explicit that it would be destroyed in the event of his death as he didn't want to father a child in that circumstance so sperm banking isn't always the answer for everyone.

I hope that you and your partner are able to make peace with this decision and the many difficult decisions you may have to make over the coming months.

I remember Nigella Lawson said somewhere that, when her first husband was dying of cancer, his relationship with her continued normally, because - as she put it - "there was nothing unfinished between them".

But he sort of turned away from his children, who were very little then, because he could not bear to think that he would not be there to watch them grow up.

It must be terrible, knowing that you are dying and you will be missing one of the most important things in life. No-one can answer your question, but personally I would focus on getting the most out of these remaining months as a couple, not on planning a future which will not include your husband.

Can you afford to bring a child up single handedly - don't bank on his family, whatever they say now.
Has he made a will? Are you married? I would focus on the practicalities first. And I wouldn't consider it unless I were married to him first.

Just another voice saying please get married. It makes no difference emotionallly but practically it makes a VAST difference.

I hope you can have a session with a neutral counsellor before definitely deciding about trying to conceive.

I really feel for you OP. It's a very sad situation.t

However, you are young and eventually will find someone else. Difficult to think of that now I know but it will happen.

I don't think you should conceive a child right now. Your potential child's father doesn't have long to live, concentrate on making that time as good as possible.

I was pregnant with DD when MIL was dying. DH did his best but grieving and raising a tiny baby at the same time is very very hard. And he still had me. Look after yourself.