Advice on a card or other for someone who's just lost a baby?

[GiraffeObsessedBaby]

There's a mum I'm loosely friends with, we've been for coffee and food a few times and saw each other weekly at a class. She has a child roughly the same age as mine. Since I've gone back to work in the last month we've talked less but still once or twice a fortnight.

She was pregnant with her second but baby was delivered by emcs at 37 weeks this week. Baby was born with a serious health problem that was only identified last week and didn't make it. I'm heartbroken for her, I really want to do something but I don't know what. Obviously a card, something food wise as we always commiserate on our hatred of cooking but I was thinking an m&s voucher for something nice to eat or a just eat voucher as I know she loves a good takeaway. I just don't know what to do!

Has anyone got any advice or been there and willing to say what might have been a pinprick of light in an otherwise utterly shit time? I know nothing I do can make any real difference I just don't want to do nothing!

You are very thoughtful.

Definitely send a card. A just eat voucher is also a good idea.

When DD died we didn't get many cards. I think people couldn't imagine the loss of a baby as just say an older person they met or known so a card is a good idea. Just because a baby died doesn't make it less of a loss, all her hopes, dream, hugs and cuddles she imagined with her little one are gone.

Also we were so heartbroken I couldn't even contemplate cooking or shopping so we either ate cereal or ate out for quite some time.

You mentioned she has a child a similar age to yours? Are they acquainted? Would a play date be possible? If so, your friend may appreciate the offer as I'm sure she is exhausted.

Thank you belle that's really good to know I'm on the right track. I know the babies name so will make sure I use it. They were a person just because they weren't here for long doesn't diminish that. I can't begin to imagine how they're feeling!

Ooh I didn't think of a play date! Yeah our little ones have known each other for months and there's a small soft play we often go to. I might offer to take him for a few hours when I send the card. I had originally wanted to do something for the older child but couldn't think of anything that wouldn't seem inappropriate.

Hi - that's really sad. My friend's baby also died after being delivered very premature. We were heartbroken for her. A card and some flowers and have a look online for a little token/ornament of some kind with the baby's name on it.
I know somebody bought her a decorated initial to hang on the Xmas tree each year. Very sad but means that he/she won't be forgotten. Also maybe something with their birthstone in it?
The idea of the play date for her eldest is fab - it will give her a few hours to herself.

Oh you are definitely on the right track. You are very kind. Don't be afraid to mention the baby especially in the next few weeks and months. Maybe follow up with a text in a few days with some thing specific like "I'm planning to go to soft play tomorrow, I can bring X along for a few hours if you want" Her head is probably like mush and it's much easier for everyone involved to propose some thing that you will follow through on rather than saying "if you need anything just ask" IYKWIM. Your friend will probably not ask. Oh sorry one more thing if when you do see her it's ok to acknowledge that you don't know what to say because there is nothing really you can say that will make the situation any better. I had a good friend visit for a hour or so and we said nothing except she made me lots of tea and it was lovely.
Take care OP, you are a good friend.

Thank you that's really helpful, I'm so sorry to those of you who have lost a child. It's honestly something I can't imagine dealing with. Hopefully I can do something to make anything a tiny bit easier for her. I've just been to get a card and found some mini meals for her elder child, I don't know if they're any good but they jumped out at me and if they are then she can just shove them in the microwave. (I know the child's diet and allergies pretty well as that's the reason we initially started talking on an allergy issues group).

There was a horrible spate of such losses among people I know a few years ago and the things i picked up on were that the parents felt they really wanted to talk about their baby and loss but others shied away from it. One had a sibling who didn't take time off to go to the funeral which made the parents feel it wasn't a 'real' loss. I know other people who felt that one grieving couple were taking too long to 'get over it' and had been rude in not asking after another couple's wedding which took place just days after they had delivered their stillborn child. So, I think time, space and listening are invaluable gifts.

But on the more tangible side, yes, a card is welcome, I think. Food vouchers are great, especially those you can use for ordering food or buying stuff in when you can't face going out. Maybe a book voucher or something or some magazines that are not all about babies.

Thank you @NastyCats I was going to ask if the funeral wasn't private would they mind us attending but didn't know if that was too personal?

Perhaps you could ask about the funeral in the card, or in some way that doesn't demand an immediate answer so that they can have a think about it rather than be put on the spot?

I haven't lost a child so my experience is quite different, but I lost my dad this summer and his loss was entirely unacknowledged by friends and family. I didn't get any cards, phone calls, nothing. I don't know if it's just that people lead busy lives, or if email and social media means that real life communications aren't followed any more. In any case, I felt really alone and would have very much appreciated even just someone sending a simple card or coming round to give me a hug and make tea. Anything to let them know you care is better than nothing, both now and in the future.

I have a couple of friends who have lost babies and what they wanted and needed were people who could talk about the baby with them and acknowledge the babies' existence.

It sounds as if you're on the right lines giraffe. Many people struggle to discuss it so just being a listening ear is so valuable.

I know it’s not the same situation but when my DD was in hospital for cancer treatment, a friend of mine appeared on the door step with a couple of lasagnes in foil trays ready to be reheated in the oven. She also gave me a bag of different fruits for the DCs and a magazine for the youngest.

In a very dark, bleak time it was one of the most thoughtful gestures I’ve ever known. Someone else came and made me coffee and chatted for a while. No expectations, no pressures.

Funnily enough neither of them said ‘if you need anything just ask’, they were there anyway. I couldn’t have asked for a thing as I was in such a dark place.

Just being there for her will be enough, I’m sure.

Also make a note of the date somewhere so that you can remember next year and send her another card or talk to her around her baby's birthday. One thing that's terrifying is your baby being forgotten.

Definitely a card. A listening ear if and when she wants it. Maybe help with the little one if that would be of use to her. Definitely remember the birthday.

We lost our son three years ago and.was shocked and upset at people who didn't really understand we had lost a baby. People who spoke about him, asked about him and the birth are the ones i feel closer to now. You will be suprised how many people act like it never happened.

Sands have a great leaflet on their website for friends and family of bereaved parents. It is worth a look.

I did get a gorgeous bracelet from close friends and a beautoful willow tree figure. Doesnt sound like much but it acknowledged i was a mother.

I sent a massive bunch of flowers to my friend who had a late term loss. I also asked to see some photos of her daughter and told her I was going to light a candle for her.

If you're close enough to drop off a home cooked meal (I wasn't), I imagine that would be a massive help too.

Not everyone will be the same but i would just like to say be careful with flowers.

I received a huge bunch from work and it really upset me. If the baby is being buried they may associate flowers with that. To me they were just like a big fuck off sign in our front room that our baby was dead. I know that might sound odd because there was no getting away from the fact but i really hated them.

I did receive a plant which didnt trigger the same emotions so maybe a safer alternative.

Just wanted to say op that you sound lovely and thoughtful and your friend is lucky to have you. I couldn't begin to imagine what she is going through.

I was going to say about using the baby's name in the card as this happened to someone I know and lots of people did not acknowledge his name.

I think your plans are perfect. I would definitely offer to take the older child and let your friend know that you're always at the end of the phone

Thank you! This is all really helpful. It makes me really sad that people who are grieving for whatever reason don't have that in person contact these days. Definitely not the same but I helped care for my grandma through cancer and secondary cancer and through her death as a young teenager. It surprised me how alone she was, we have a huge family and my grandma was a massive member of her local church and there used to be at least 3/4 visitors a day until she got sick. But then they all disappeared, I think I just never want anyone of my friends or family to feel like that!

I've been and got a card, some little meals for her elder child and a book as I know they're book mad at the minute, I've sorted the just eat voucher and I'm trying to think how best to write it all in the card - might write the card and pop a little letter inside.

I've seen a beautiful little pendent necklace with the baby's initial on it but again I don't want to overstep? I've messaged friends mum to ask if there's an address I can drop off card and stuff - apologised for bothering her as I know she's grieving too - I know my friends street but not her number and I don't feel right turning up without warning?

Agree with Rarfy about the flowers, just seeing them made me irrationality angry when DD died.

Asking to see pictures and talking about birth, people shy away from in but in my experience you want to talk about your child and birth in the same way someone would if they'd had a happier outcome. I still wanted to talk about the experience of labour, I felt like a woman for the first time although a broken one.

Food vouchers are a good idea, or even a 'finest' meal deal with a bottle of wine. A friend dropped one at my house and it was really appreciated, especially the wine.

@GiraffeObsessedBaby if it helps the bracelet i got was a joma one 'a little baby boy'. I loved it and it really made me feel closer to my son.

A close friend of mine and his wife lost there little boy at just over 24 weeks. I sent a card and a supermarket shop made up of ready meals, snacks, bread, milk etc. They live about 90 minutes away so taking home made food wasn’t really an option. It was appreciated as neither of them felt up to leaving the house.

I made it known that I was available to talk fwith either fo them wanted to and spent a lot of time talking to my friend when he went back to work or when he was out of the house as he felt he needed to stay strong for his wife.

I also asked babys name, weigth etc like you would with any other baby.

Ive sent/taken a pretty wind mill or balloon on his birthday each year as my friends didn’t want flowers on his grave.

Oh op, you sound like a lovely friend. Definitely a card with some thoughtful words, and a food gift to help practically would I'm sure be much appreciated.

Thank you to everyone for your advice! I dropped off the card, some bits of food and the voucher last night. Didn't knock as didn't want to disturb (about time for putting her eldest for bed) but my friend got them and we chatted a bit last night. Hopefully it distracted her for a few minutes at least

You sound like a lovely friend Giraffe

Thanks but I hope I'm not and anyone would do something so little for someone in that situation - the world is a shitty enough place without people looking out for each other especially at the worst times. But as my husband regularly tells me I'm too much of an idealist and think people are much nicer than they actually are.

You would be very surprised! I have a huge family and lots of friends and aquaintances. I received 2 cards and no offers of help with anything.

You've done something really lovely and your friend will remember it for years to come.

Rarfy that makes me really sad that you didn't get those little bits of support and thought. I wonder what it is about the way things are now that stop people from doing that