Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

*trigger warning* suicide

67 replies

IGiorni · 28/09/2018 23:52

My husband took his own life this morning. I have family around me but I just can’t talk. I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
MrsMozart · 29/09/2018 07:27

Anger and guilt are normal I believe. You know it wasn't you, he was in a place where he couldn't be reached.

HappyHedgehog247 · 29/09/2018 07:31

I am so sorry. Everything you feel is normal. Sending you a big hug. You can get help to support DS when it feels right XX

McFugget · 29/09/2018 12:43

Thinking of you and your DS today IGorni.

Original poster
IGiorni · 29/09/2018 13:12

Thank you. I went back to the house this morning to get some stuff and it just made me feel sick and as though I couldn’t breathe. I have no idea how to even begin to cope.

OP posts:
MrsMozart · 29/09/2018 13:19

Oh sweetie. You need to talk with someone and get some help to deal with all this.

McFugget · 29/09/2018 14:03

Are you in the UK lovely? I found SOBS (survivors of bereavement by suicide) really kind and helpful. They're a a volunteer group run by people who have lost loved ones, so they really do understand, and very empathic. Their national helpline is closed over the weekend, but here's a link to their page where you can find a group local to you, and can be contacted by 'phone or email anytime, even the middle of the night. I found it such a relief to speak to somebody who understood how I felt.

I found the day after losing DH the most awful, the shock and trauma was unbearable, and I cannot imagine what it must have been like for you to discover your DH, I'm sure traumatised doesn't even begin to describe how you're feeling, and your body will most likely be in shock. Try to let the people around you take care of you, even if you don't feel up to talking. I was prescribed a short course of sleeping tablets by my GP, are you able to get to them on Monday?

Wishing you strength, you will get through this. x

Original poster
IGiorni · 29/09/2018 14:15

Thank you. My sister works in palliative care so I have a list of organisations to contact. The paramedics have referred me to the mental health team for some support and I will go see my gp on Monday. I think the shock is wearing off a little. I’ve cried a lot today, I couldn’t do that yesterday because I felt so numb so I think that’s a good thing. We’re not allowed to go see him yet.

OP posts:
NorthernLurker · 29/09/2018 14:27

We lost a friend to suicide last year. I can't tell you when you start to accept this has happened because I don't think it has sunk totally for me yet. That's after 10 months, a funeral and an inquest. This is a bereavement like no other. I'm sorry op, what a dreadful loss for you both.

We found this nhs guide helpful here

Also just to say as your husband didn't leave a note you may find ultimately you end up with an open verdict at inquest. We had that and I think in advance if I'd known that it would have bothered me but in the event it made no difference at all. We actually found the inquest slightly helpful as it was a very careful enquiry in to what happened to our friend and that public acknowledgement of how much he mattered was definitely a good thing.

McFugget · 30/09/2018 18:51

How are you doing today IGiorni?

Original poster
IGiorni · 30/09/2018 19:12

Struggling today. Feeling less shock and more grief, it’s just overwhelming. Slept a little bit last night but finding it hard to eat. People are being unbelievably kind though and my DS is coping so well considering.

OP posts:
McFugget · 30/09/2018 20:32

Eating is so hard isn't it? I could only manage teeny tiny sips of cupasoups, with a dash of milk to boost the calories.

I'm glad you have kind people around you. Even if they don't know what to say. And you're doing so well just managing to put one foot in front of the other, you really are.

Original poster
IGiorni · 01/10/2018 07:26

Everything I try to eat feels like it’s sticking in my throat, even yoghurts or soup. I’ve never known anything like it. I’m bouncing from feeling sad to guilty to angry to exhausted and back again. Like I’ll never feel normal again.

OP posts:
Beetlebum1981 · 01/10/2018 08:01

I'm so sorry, what a truly horrendous experience for you. I can't offer any answers but I'm here if you need to get things off your chest Thanks

Beetlebum1981 · 01/10/2018 08:09

I'd also s cons getting in touch with Winston's Wish. I've taught several children who've lost a parent and their help as been invaluable for me as well as the children concerned. Your son's school may be able to offer counselling if he feels he needs to talk to someone.

anunseemlylovefordustin · 01/10/2018 08:26

My DH has MH problems and I live in fear of this, even though we are separated now. I'm so sorry for your loss. All I can suggest is to take each day 10 minutes at a time. My father died very suddenly and unexpectedly (not the same at all, I know) but in the month or so afterwards I used to get through each day by constantly saying to myself "just the next 10 minutes". And only thinking about those next 10 minutes.

Also, that ANYTHING you find yourself feeling is completely normal. Some of the thoughts and feelings I had afterwards really shocked me, but they were all totally normal reactions.

Lots of hugs to you, I will be thinking of you x

mouthkisses · 01/10/2018 08:32

I have no practical advice OP, but just wanted to give you some support. Your physical symptoms are that of an adrenalised body. The food sticking into your throat, the panicky sleep. It's all a symptom of adrenaline in your system. This will pass once your brain has processed the shock a bit more. I'm so sorry. What a terrible thing to have happened. X

newhousenewstart · 01/10/2018 08:44

I haven't experienced what you have but needed to just say how very sorry I am. I have, however experienced a very traumatic and violent death of someone very close to me. I so wish someone had told me at the time that the horrendous fear and panic I constantly felt for months was, in fact, very normal. That was my over riding emotion until I started to grieve many months later.

CS Lewis said ' “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.

At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not to me.”

I found these words comforting and didn't feel so alone.

Original poster
IGiorni · 01/10/2018 17:15

Thank you, you’re all so lovely. The kindness of strangers has been overwhelming. I’ve been to the dr this morning and have some diazepam to take the edge off the anxiety. There will be a post mortem now so it will be a few more days before I can see him. I am just so unbelievably sad.

OP posts:
yawning801 · 01/10/2018 17:20

Oh you poor thing OP, and your poor DS. How is the rest of the family coping? If you're still in contact with them, you won't be alone in your grief.

percheron67 · 01/10/2018 17:25

I wanted to add my support. I have not had to deal with this so have no comprehension of what you are going through but I wish I could help in some way. You and your little chap are in my prayers.

allusedup · 01/10/2018 17:58

I'm so very sorry that this has happened to you and your DS, sending you deepest sympathies and a big hug. It sounds like you have very good people around you, and that you are doing all the right things, even though I know it probably doesn't feel like much helps and nothing can take away the sadness and difficulty of what has happened.
We lost my dad the same way a month ago, it is just the worst and like you say feels like nothing will be normal again whilst somehow having to get on with and do a lot of difficult things. Here if you would like to talk. Lean on the people around you as much as you can, and don't be afraid to ask for what you need (or don't need) from specific people.

BelladonnaKebab · 01/10/2018 18:07

I'm so sorry. I have no words of advice but am also here to listen. Be kind to yourself Flowers

lastkisstoo · 01/10/2018 20:31

So many lovely and supportive comments here. Nothing to add except to tell you that you are in my thoughts Flowers

@newhousenewstart what a lovely quote, it expresses some of my feelings too, I hope @IGiorni can take some comfort from it.

Original poster
IGiorni · 02/10/2018 04:09

It’s just so difficult, I can’t even put it into words. Everyone knows now and so many people are devastated. He was wonderful in many ways but not perfect like all of us, but I feel like I am putting him on a pedestal and it’s making me feel more guilty for not appreciating him more, for arguing with him, for not realising just how much he was struggling. I’m being offered so much support now but I didn’t have that before. I just can’t stop the overwhelming feeling that it’s my fault. I just want him to give me a hug.

OP posts:
Dontcallmelenyoulittleprick · 02/10/2018 04:12

I'm so sorry Flowers