What has grief taught you?

[lisaorris99]

When my dad died, the hospice gave us some really useful info about grief. Made us all realise we were ‘normal’ when it felt far from it. So what have you learnt that might help someone else ? Mine are ...

• grief is very physical. I’ve lost weight, my hair has fallen out in handfuls, my periods went all over the place and I’ve felt sick often. All of this is natural.
• it comes and goes in waves. Last week I though ‘I think this might actually be getting easier’. This week as my dads birthday approached .. nope it’s not.

Grief is exhausting - I sleep fine but sometimes I feel so so tired. Like I could sleep for a week. In the first few weeks I used to feel like I was walking through treacle some days. Walking was exhausting

• grief doesn’t come in the near stages you read about ... shock, anger etc etc. For me it comes and goes through them all randomly. I can sometimes feel anger just under the surface then it goes again. Hope I’m not storing that one up

Grief likes to trick you - like the time you forget your loved one has gone and then remember about just as suddenly. It actually doesn’t get easier - I think you just adapt and change as a person to cope.

My dad died just over a year ago.

For me, grief has been like relentless cloud sitting on my shoulder. Sometimes I really feel it and it weighs me down, sometimes I carry it fine no problems. Sometimes I think I'm fine and feel fine and then I suddenly glimpse it out of the corner of my eye and it flaws me.

I had been relentlessly tired.
I've put on weight.
I've been very confused about how I feel about anything.
I've been very angry.
I've lost passion for my career that took me 24 years to build. I'm on the cusp of giving it all up but I'm holding off incase it's just the grief clouding my thoughts.

I do laugh though. I've found things to laugh about.

It's a bit though shit isn't it?

It gets both easier and harder as time moves on. It is now more normal to not have my mum, but I'm getting a bit fed up of it and would like her back now, thank you very much.

It doesn't go away but does come in waves.
There is no rule book or 'right or wrong' reactions.
it really sucks...

Grief goes away eventually and you find that you can look back on the life of the person who died with appreciation for the time you spent with them and the things they did for you.

I remember my dad telling me years ago that the pain of grief never fades you just learn to live with it. He’s not normally one for emotional statements but this really resonated with me and stuck with me.

Over the last few years I’ve suffered a number of horrendous bereavements and I think that it’s so true. You learn to live with the hole in your life, the sense of loss, the anger at the unfairness of it all (my losses were all young people).

Grief has changed me too - I’m more spontaneous and grab everything life throws at me. I worry less about what others think - and I take loads of photos of my friends and family as I never know when it’ll be the last photo I take.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP.

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I 💯 relate. My dad died in May from cancer after a horrific time, and I have felt the complete gamut of emotions since then.

The flashbacks. Oh god, the flashbacks.

Good post op. It's taught me life is short and so much of the stuff we can get bothered about is minor.

It's taught me to be gentle with myself and cradle myself in ways I didn't. Being in so much agony forced me to talk to myself as a loving friend. I like that inner voice and will keep it.

When I met dp he'd already lost close relatives and I hadn't. He sometimes says that there's worse things than death and I used to think that made no sense. It does now.

What I mean is I've seen people suffer with disease long term. Although the death is awful, I've learnt that dying isn't the worse thing to happen to someone.

I know exactly what you mean @headinhands

It taught me that when terribly bad things happen, I will look strong. People will think I'm remarkably composed. I will start to wonder why I'm quite so remarkably composed; how I'm getting through this; what people are expecting me to do that I'm not; and eventually I'll start to believe I somehow got away without some massive tidal wave of devastation...

...and then a year or two years later it will hit me like a tropical storm and I won't understand what's happening to me.

Except now I do understand what's happening to me, because I've learnt that I'm someone who powers through a crisis when everyone's looking at me, but that the grief is always coming. You can't escape it. But you can be prepared for it, and go easy on yourself when it comes.

That grief turns some people into arseholes.

That some people will vanish from your life quickly despite all the 'anything I can do'. While others who you might not expect offer support quietly and without.

That love doesn't die. It's been nearly 6 weeks and I still love my partner with all my heart.

That I can't die of a broken heart, no matter how many times I've wanted to.

That a very large number of people don't know how to deal with someone who is grieving.
Your life will never be the same again, but you can find a new life, with both memories of the past, and hope for the future.
to you all.

Everyone is different how they deal with grief and how long the recovery from losing a loved one takes.

I gave myself no time limit, four years down the line was the time to get on with my life as a working mum of two small people.

to all here. DH died just over 5 months ago. Yes, yes to the exhaustion and flashbacks and a surprising amount of anger. And also, a great deal of loving kindness and support. For me mostly though, it’s a deep loneliness that words don’t cover. Just awful.

Anger (I call it screaming into the wind)
Yes - flashbacks (horrible)
Resentment ('why is that bastard still alive?')
And don't start me on the 'oh, it's the circle of life' bollocks.

Also, tiny tiny little things like

Seeing a new trailer for tv series he used love. Me thinking "must tell Dad about that!".....then that second remembering that he's gone and he'll miss it.

Finding things at a World War 11 retro/flea market he would love.

Seeing his favourite sweets at a sweet shop (Kendle Mint cake)

Just constant little stabs of forgetting and remembering.

Small things like being in the supermarket and realising you don't need to buy something that they only ate or used.
Not having any ironing to do for that person anymore.
Feelings of anxiety, shaking and loss of interest in others.

Waves of utter sadness that lasts for days when it seems impossible to control my emotions no matter what my head says then suddenly feel fine again.

Sleeplessness! A lot!
Sorry for everyone's loss X

That some people truly do not understand grief, and there are some who emphatically do - and they do so gently and quietly.

I hope in time i'll be one of those people, but in the meantime I am not "doing ok" or "fine".

I agree with the poster who said it gets easier and harder. I lost my dad a year ago.
It's easier in the sense that the feelings are less raw. I don't cry often these days. It's harder because I am conscious that with every day that passes it's a day longer since I last saw him but with no hope of seeing him again.
The day after his first anniversary the thought hit me like a ton of bricks that he had been gone for more than a year and that totally floored me.

That some people will vanish from your life quickly despite all the 'anything I can do'. While others who you might not expect offer support quietly and without*

This^

This is a sad thread but bloody hell, its about time people actually talk about death. So many people skirt around it. It's inevitable.

I also agree with the waves feeling, it starts as a tsunami and some days are gentler.
I think that life does get easier as time goes on.

Grief is so savage. I wonder if animals feel grief too..

That even after 5 years grief will tap me on the shoulder unexpectedly and remind me that my Dad is dead.
Ballsballs balls your post really touched me, I hope you find some peace in your life

My partner was killed in a road accident just over three years ago.

I have learnt never to judge what people do in grief, until you have lived it, you never know how it will affect you.

I'm more sensitive to the pain of others, I wouldn't wish how I felt on anyone.

Life is so precious, value it and be grateful for what you do have rather than covet what you don't.

It's made me a different person.

for everyone who is grieving.

Grief has taught me that time is a luxury.

It’s taught me that people say they’ll be there a lot, but in actual fact you find out who really means it and who is just saying it.

It’s taught me that my family aren’t who I thought they were.

It’s taught me that I can get up and keep going. Even when it feels impossible.

It’s taught me that grief is the price we pay for love, and that sometimes loss comes with no warning, sometimes it does, neither is better or worse.

It’s taught me that I want to leave proper memories for my children, like my Mum did. Not schmaltzy instagram shite, actual proper fond memories, traditions and moments that will make them smile and comfort them long after I’m gone.

I don't know what grief has taught me.
The day my dd died, part of me died too.
A parent should never have to bury their child.
You have to keep living is the only thing I can think of.