What has grief taught you?

[lisaorris99]

When my dad died, the hospice gave us some really useful info about grief. Made us all realise we were ‘normal’ when it felt far from it. So what have you learnt that might help someone else ? Mine are ...

• grief is very physical. I’ve lost weight, my hair has fallen out in handfuls, my periods went all over the place and I’ve felt sick often. All of this is natural.
• it comes and goes in waves. Last week I though ‘I think this might actually be getting easier’. This week as my dads birthday approached .. nope it’s not.

Grief is exhausting - I sleep fine but sometimes I feel so so tired. Like I could sleep for a week. In the first few weeks I used to feel like I was walking through treacle some days. Walking was exhausting

• grief doesn’t come in the near stages you read about ... shock, anger etc etc. For me it comes and goes through them all randomly. I can sometimes feel anger just under the surface then it goes again. Hope I’m not storing that one up

Grief likes to trick you - like the time you forget your loved one has gone and then remember about just as suddenly. It actually doesn’t get easier - I think you just adapt and change as a person to cope.

3kids I lost my brother to illness nearly 2 years ago and I still have the disbelief. So to have lost someone suddenly and only 8 months ago, no wonder you are struggling to get your head round it.

I don’t have any wise ideas I’m afraid, although I think talking about it again and again can be useful...do you have siblings you can do this with as they are presumably in a sminilr boat to you?

Grief has taught me that it (grief) comes on so many levels and is rather messy.

I used to think about it was just about missing the person who has died.

But there are so many different feelings and aspects to grief. Sadness for yourself having lost them, sadness for them because they didn’t get to live longer (very hard when it’s someone young who has died). Sadness for other family members grieving.

And so many little unexpected things that knock you for six. Not just the obvious milestones/dates etc.

to all grieving

That I am strong and can cope.

That I will never stop missing my mum and dad but I can live with it. They are still part of me and my life.

That now, a number of years later it will still suddenly overwhelm me as fresh loss.

That I feel orphaned.

That life is for the living and it goes on.

That I would love, just love one more day with them where my dad could meet DH and they could both meet DS and DD (who they would adore), where they could see how happy I am and where we live, and we could have a walk and spend the afternoon at our house in the garden and have afternoon tea and they could play with DS and DD. I could hug them and tell them I love them and say thank you for being such lovely parents. Just one more day.

It's very hard to be alive sometimes. I try to stay closer to the ones that are left and I try to live because I have a DS. But the moments of joy I used to experience frequently are so rare now. I feel like I'm not the same person I was before. I suppose part of me died too.

Grief has taught me that I am stronger than I thought. It never leaves and can blindside me at a moment's notice. I am generally happy, but there are moments, like yesterday, when it floors me. Yesterday was the anniversary of DM's death in a car accident. I would like to say that it didn't make me want to sit down and just weep, but it did. I managed to mostly control myself, despite someone at work telling me that it was no chore to visit her DM in the hospital and reminding me that you only get one DM. I haven't 'got over' her death. I never will get over it.

On the other hand, grief has also taught me that it can be illusive. I don't think I have grieved properly for DF. I didn't really like him when he died, because his illness had made him nasty. I know now, and knew then, that it wasn't his fault, but that made the swearing and blaming and the loss of DF much harder to bear. I cried a lot at his death, but I don't miss him, and that tells me that I haven't grieved properly and I possibly never will.

Grief has taught me that people don't know what to do or say. I have tried to teach my DC how to deal with it.

Grief has taught me that there are days when I am not strong, when I want my DM to hold me and tell me everything will be all right, when I don't have to be the adult.

Its been 19 years since DM died. It feels like yesterday.

To remember the small day to day things, because it's those which will side-swipe you when you least expect it as much as the occasions or anniversaries (which have not happened yet). It's about being on holiday and not buying whisky fudge, it's about DD saying or doing something which you can't tell the story about, it's the smell of her washing that comes from using up her tablets which you don't normally buy. It's all a bit shit at times, but not all the time.